Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

So still feeling really lost. Have put on all the weight I lost before christmas. Hate all my clothes on me. Don’t know what to eat or what ‘plan’ to follow. Decided to stop focusing on weight and trying to focus on health again and set up a daily ‘to do’ list of things that are going to make my body feel good and also me feel good about myself. So far I have:

  1. Eat at least 1 meal with green leafy veg (probably a green smoothie every morning)
  2. Go for a walk (weather permitting) even if I only start with 5 minutes
  3. Take all my supplements (motillium, sam-e, 5-htp, pre-natal vitamins, zinc, magnesium-calcium, fish oil)
  4. Protein shake daily (trying rice protein at the moment on the advice of my holistic GP)
  5. Home made soup, dahl or salads for lunch wherever possible
  6. Fold and put away washing
  7. C time (time allocated to playing with my daughter)

I’m also going to try and limit sugar and try to use coffee as my ‘treat’ rather than chocolate or other sweets. I’m trying to implement my house as a nurturing, nutritious zone so I don’t keep or bring sugar or ‘treats’ into the house. These ‘treats’ if needed can be consumed outside the house on a very irregular basis for special occasions etc.

My chiropractor wants me to start using water and milk kefir to try to get rid of the yeast in my body. My GP says she doesn’t think it will get rid of the yeast that I need to try to alkalise my body (hence the green leafy veg and the Grainfields lemon & ginger drink she’s given me – see here: http://www.agmfoods.com/contents/en-us/d17.html). It’s so hard when everyone gives you different advice.

Basically the outcome my GP wants for me is to alkalise my body as currently it is too acidic and causing pain and hormonal imbalances.  I very nearly cancelled my appointment with my GP today as I just didn’t feel I was getting anywhere and she is really expensive but really glad I went as chatting to her always leaves me more motivated and determined to get my body healthy rather than worrying about weight.  I also agreed to another 6 months of chiro. I really hope it is worth it.

Just adding to yesterday’s post about perfectionism…It annoys me that I feel I need to portray the image of perfection to other people…especially one of my best friends who’s known me for 35 years! I guess I feel I need to show people I’ve got it together at least in some aspect in my life…as in “Oh she’s fat but she has a beautiful house!”…craziness..

I broke down on the chiropractor’s table today. They’ve been trying to talk to me about nutrition for awhile now and I just admitted I am lost.  She asked me to keep a food diary for her and that it wouldn’t be a judgemental exercise and that she’ll just be asking me to add things to it rather than take away…I have been resisting keeping it because my diet is SO full of sugar right now. She was telling me not to give up on myself and they are there to support me in every way they can etc. I’m going down to weekly visits and we’re going to talk about what sort of foods I can eat to get rid of some of the inflammation in my body right now…everything hurts pretty much all the time. It hurts to stand up from sitting. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit here right now on the office chair. I’m only 37…well 38 later this month…I really shouldn’t be feeling this way. Over. IT.

I cancelled my weight watchers online subscription.

I was contacted by someone from 60 minutes last week . She had found my blog and wanted to know if I’d like to be part of a story about how hard it is to maintain weight loss. I was kind of excited at first. 15 minute of fame and all that. Not just that..I think I had some fantasy in my head that maybe someone would see me and want to help me. I have no idea who that person would be but I guess I’m still looking for the magic pill, surgery or person who has the answer for me when I really need to buckle down and do it myself. Anyway I initially said yes but mentioned it to some trusted friends and they cautioned me to be careful and asked me if I really wanted to define myself to all of Australia and to myself as someone who can’t lose weight…and they also warned me not to let myself be portrayed as a victim…so I thought about it some more and decided not to do it. The producer called me early this week and I told him I changed my mind. I think I’m doing the right thing but there is still some part of me that wants to do it…fame whore much?

I don’t know what to do next…I’m contemplating giving up sugar. It is so addictive to me and I’m sure I feel more pain when I consume too much.

I also did 5 minutes on the recumbent bike tonight. Big deal right? I just feel like if I can commit to small regular steps in the right direction I might just get there. So I’d like to try to commit to 5 minutes on the bike every day and take it from there.  I really need to move and ideally I’d like to walk but it is so damn hot right now and my feet really hurt when I walk…so this is my starting point.

I’m struggling with my perfectionism right now. Really struggling. I start off thinking ok so I’ll just do 5 minutes a day on the bike and then I think of ALL the other things I’d like to fit into my day…various stretches from http://www.alignedandwell.com, paying bills that arrived that day, folding washing I did that day, eating well, playing with my daughter etc etc and I start to get very overwhelmed and think “why bother?” but I’m trying to push my way through this thinking. I had a massive almost meltdown the other day when I had friends coming around I hadn’t seen in 2 years and they hadn’t been to our house yet. Now I have  2 kids, one of them a toddler who likes to pick up toys and then throw them on the floor and get another one. It’s extremely hard, nay, impossible to keep a tidy home. But I usually make a huge effort if I have people coming over to have the house pretty much perfect…well as close to perfect as I can get it. All clutter gone, kitchen and floors clean etc etc. But this day I just had no chance. Firstly I had attempted to cook a cake to serve them which was an epic fail…it crumbled and fell apart as I tried to get it out of the cake tin. Secondly I had to cook a big batch meal for a cooking group I’m part of. Thirdly I had a toddler and baby to look after and fourthly my feet, legs and back were aching like hell. So I had to leave clutter and the worst part was that everyone wanted a tour of the house so although the main living rooms were almost acceptable to me (would’ve liked them a bit tidier), the bedrooms etc were a MESS and I swear I nearly had a breakdown about having to show them the house like that. I really had to talk myself out of being really panicked about it. So yeah…perfectionism sucks :(

Have had a crappy day…I’m aching all over and extremely tired. I had no idea how I was going to get through tonight…bathing my daughter, getting her to sleep, cleaning kitchen and preparing milk for my son for tomorrow. Every single muscle in my body aches. And what have I done? Nothing really…did 2 loads of laundry, fed and clothed 2 kids, multiple nappy changes, visit to the supermarket, cooked a meal for 8 families, cooked a cake (which fell apart and was a disaster), cleaned the toilet and did a small amount of tidying. My poor body and particularly my feet are not happy at this weight. They ache so much.

I ate a crap load of sugar today too and I’m sure this doesn’t help the achiness. I started off well with my green smoothie (apple, carrot, celery and baby spinach) but spiralled out of control after this…I snacked on coke, the crappy crumbled cake and the cookies I bought for my guests to replace the crappy cake (who only ate 2…I bought 18 because I thought there was going to be 11 of them plus us).

I’m so tired of feeling this way of being confused about what to eat of not feeling like I can eat healthily forever of feeling like it’s too hard to eat healthily. I’ve been going to see a chiropractor for many months now (I was pregnant with baby D) and they tell me that my neck/back are in such a bad way and that part of my neck is affecting my thyroid and that is the reason for my weight issues and bad choices in food. But I’ve been going twice, sometimes 3 times a week for in excess of 6 months now and I’m not sure I’m feeling much physical improvement…sure I’m no where near as in pain as when I was pregnant, but then maybe that just went away because I’m not pregnant any more. I also find the chiropractor really hurts me when they are pushing into my lower back and hips…and while it doesn’t last long, it makes the whole experience very unpleasant and I’m getting really tired of going twice a week at the moment and not feeling much reward for it…but how can I give up when they tell me that they are helping my thyroid and therefore eventually my weight loss? I’m so tired of people claiming they know what my issues are and then finding their solutions don’t really work. I totally trust this chiropractor but I’m just not feeling any improvement pain wise or weight wise. I’m just about to finish my 3 month program I signed up for so guess I’ll discuss how I’m feeling with her then. It’s a real struggle getting there twice a week before 9.30am with 2 kids too (their last appointment is at 9.30am in the morning unless I want to go afternoons which I don’t).

I’ve also been seeing a great GP who says my problems are all related to nutrition and all the supplements she’s given me should help. I’m also supposed to do a bit of a detox and I did follow it mostly for awhile but hit the same issue I also do in maintaining it.

I’m just so lost. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to eat. I sent an email to my surgeon’s office over the weekend pleading for help, for advice, asking if they have any patients in my situation who have turned it all around and succeeded. I think I’m going to try and fit in an adjustment in the next few weeks to see if that helps. Sigh…

I can’t believe it’s been 2 years since I last posted…wow…time flies. So much news to share.

My daughter is now 2.5 years old. I went through another round of IVF (egg collection and embryo implantation) and fell pregnant. My son D, was born on 5th September 2011 at 5.30 in the morning in the water at home.

I have had my band loosened and tightened many times over the past 2 years but I am currently back at my pre-surgery weight. In fact as of today I am 2kg heavier than my pre-surgery weight. I am struggling. I am sad. I am disappointed…in the band…but mostly myself.

I have friends that have had the gastric sleeve and are doing amazingly well and I have almost let myself consider the possibility but I just don’t think it’s an option for me. Finally nearly 5 years after being banded I have come to the conclusion that I regret getting the band. It cost me a lot of money and I know have this device inside of me which I feel is not really helping me.

I’m wondering if there is anyone out there that has been in my situation and has been able to turn it around and succeed with the band? I am going to go and get adjusted again but I’m just not convinced it is going to work.

Right now I feel restriction in the first few mouthfuls of food but once they go down I am eating fairly normal serves of food. Do I need to be at the point where I am living off liquids to lose weight? I just don’t know.

I have been doing weight watchers and detoxing but I’m just so tired of ‘dieting’ and so far I have been unable to make permanent changes in my lifestyle to do this. I really need help and I just don’t know where to turn or what to do.

I’m so lost. I saw a great tip tonight about writing about my emotions instead of eating through them…so here I am. Updating a blog is really hard as a Mum of 2. I have very little time to myself. Right now I have a pile of unopened and unpaid bills dating from weeks ago, I have an unclean kitchen and unfolded laundry…but I am choosing to come here and write while my children sleep but it’s not always easy to make the decision given how behind I am on everything. I’m going to try.

Finally…I had a fill a couple of weeks ago. Nearly 4 weeks ago actually. She put in another 1ml giving me about 10ml total. I was surprised as I thought they only took 10ml but she said she has a girl with 14ml in hers. Interesting. Anyway I noticed the effect immediately. Eating is hard work. My portion sizes shrank immediately and I take a long, long time to eat now. I lost 1kg the first week without even trying. Yay! I got a bit excited and hoped that the 1kg a week loss would continue. Why do I always think that it’s going to work without me making an effort? The following week I put on the 1kg I lost and last week I stayed the same. The thing is that if there is a loophole I will find it! If I’m at home and have lots of time then although initially I can’t eat as much I can eventually finish the plate over a matter of hours. For instance I was still serving myself my usual serve of breakfast – not as much as it would’ve once been but more than I should be eating with a lapband in! I’d eat an initial amount – put the plate on the bench and come back over the following hours and finish it bit by bit.  Admittedly before the fill I would’ve eaten that breakfast and probably snacked on extra things but still…why do I cheat myself like that?

So this week I got strict again and have been using my lapband plate to serve my food so I don’t have the opportunity to come back and ‘finish’ leftover food. That’s beenworking well. Will be interesting to see whether that’s made a difference weight wise. I even managed to fit in one Jillian Michaels workout dvd.

However I have a new tactic…I can’t believe I’m about to write this…I got sucked in by the Bodytrim ads on foxtel! Can you believe 2 years and thousands of dollars later I’m buying diet products again? Sigh…anyway I’ve watched 2 of the dvds and read some literature and I’m actually quite impressed. It’s actually not a diet and sounds like a really reasonable way to eat for the rest of my life…It is low carb (not no carb but low) and I’ve never really been sure about this approach before but this guy really makes sense.  He says that if your diet is high in carbs that the carbs are the first thing your body will burn and it will never get to burn the fat stores if there’s lots of carb stores there. Which kind of explains why I keep putting on so much weight. My diet has always been really high in carbs. He also believes that food is 70% of the success of weight loss and just plain old walking is 20% and strenuous exercise is 10%. I like this concept. It explains why the weeks I’ve killed myself exercising 6 or 7 times a week at high intensity that I don’t lose weight! I like the fact that despite the fact he owns one of the most successful personal training companies in Australia he is not advocating strenuous exercise for weight loss. He just wants you to walk 10,000 steps and follow the food plan. Of course walking 10,000 steps is still a challenge for me but I hope to work my way up to it.

It’s funny because I really fight the structure of a ‘diet’ usually. I hate being told what to eat. But clearly just eating what I want isn’t working and I’ve been really feeling the need for some structure. On the bodytrim weight loss plan (there’s also a weight maintenance plan) you basically eat 6 small meals a day of which 3 are protein snacks.  The rest of the meals are primarly protein and veg however for breakfast you can have one serve of  starchy carb or fruit. You also have one protein only day a week and one ‘free’ day a week where you can eat what you want but they recommend you still eat your protein snacks. It seems like a good balance to me.  From what I’ve researched people seem to be having a lot of success with it.

I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and I used to be quite anti protein diets but for some reason this one appeals. Maybe I’m desperate!

Anyway it kind of fits in with what I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile. Now that Carys is on solids I’ve been wanting to change the way we eat. I’m following the Baby Led Weaning method which means no purees, mushy baby food etc. The principle is she should be able to eat appropriate food off our plates.  And of course anything with added salt or preservatives is not recommended. We eat lots of canned and packet sauces etc. So I can’t feed her what we’re eating! I’ve been steaming veg etc for her separately which is not ideal.  So I’ve been slowly going through all the sauces we have in the cupboard and have been planning to get back to more ‘real’ foods and this is a great opportunity.

So the 1st Jan has come and gone…and the Monday after the 1st Jan has also come and gone and I am no closer to being in control than I was.  I have an appointment next week for another fill. I really hope that helps. I need some serious restriction. SERIOUS.

Thanks for everyone’s advice. I really appreciate it and it’s nice knowing I have friends that care. I seriously need to look at the psychologist option and Nola I hear you on the walking but it is seriously hot here…seriously. If I could get myself up early then it might be easier. But with the broken sleep I’m having with my little one waking up all the time…it’s hard. I know that sounds like an excuse…I’m really hoping once this hot weather settles a bit I can start walking. I can’t really see me doing much else exercise wise at the moment.

I’m beating myself up constantly for eating crap and for not exercising which is not helping matters at all. I’m feeling rather down at the moment and it concerns me. I think I really need to start taking SAM-e again but I’m hesitant to do it while breastfeeding as there has been no research done on whether it is safe to take it while breastfeeding and even though I have a low supply and have to top up with formula, I really, really want to keep breastfeeding for as long as I can.  So I’m in between a rock and a hard place at the moment.  I know if I could start exercising I would feel a lot better about things and if I could get my eating in control.

Every part of my body is aching at the moment pretty much all the time. And if I get up and walk after sitting for awhile I have a serious waddle as my feet, ankles, calves, legs all hurt and it is becoming embarassing. I’ve never really felt I had a fat person’s walk but lately I think I do. Awful.

Will update after my fill to let you know how it goes…

I have been wanting to update here for some time but honestly I just don’t seem to have any time to myself these days…I love being a Mum but boy is it tiring and time consuming! I miss being able to just go and do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it…but of course I wouldn’t change a thing.  Tonight everyone else is in bed and I decided to stay up and put down some things that have been on my mind.

5 weeks after giving birth to Carys I was quite excited as I was only 4kg heavier than I was when I first fell pregnant. This was of course still much higher than  my lowest weight (due to IVF and my last pregnancy) but I was still quite surprised and happy to see most of the weight disappear that quickly. I stopped weighing myself in the end but I estimate I put on between 16-18kg during the pregnancy so was happy to have shifted 12+kg within 5 weeks. However I haven’t really weighed myself much lately and I’m a bit scared to as my eating has been TERRRIBLE and I have done no exercise.

A couple of weeks ago I decided my eating was really out of control. I was hungry all the time and my meal sizes seemed to be getting closer to what I used to eat pre-band. So I spoke to my lactation consultant and also Dr Duncombe about whether they thought I should have an adjustment. I already have a low milk supply so I didn’t want anything to affect my supply even further! Both of them agreed I could have an adjustment so I did that and had 1ml put back in. I’m pretty sure this took me back to my pre-pregnancy fill amount. My first few days I took it easy and felt a difference. However it didn’t take me long to work out that although the fill slowed me down eating wise I could still eat almost as much as I was before the 1ml. I just had to eat it slower and really chew well. So I went back for another 1ml  two weeks later. And again I’ve found the same thing. I have to eat a lot slower and I’m having more food get stuck (but eventually pass through) but I can still eat a hell of a lot more than I should be able to.  It’s scaring me! I mentioned to Dr Duncombe that I was worried I’d stretched my new ‘pouch’ or smaller stomach but she didn’t think I had. I’m tempted to go get another fill to see what it does. I’m almost wanting to get to a point where I can only drink liquids but I know that is just stupid as that will definitely affect my milk supply and I know it’s not healthy. I just need my band to be my self control at the moment and I don’t think it’s ever going to be?

I’ve been feeling really depressed lately despite being so in love with my little girl. I hate the way I look and I still can’t fit back into a lot of my clothes. My stomach is the main problem…I hate the extra bit that’s hanging down and stopping me from wearing my jeans and hence most of my tops which I feel I need the tightness of my jeans to wear with them.  My depression is causing me to want to eat more and eat bad food and it’s just a vicious cycle.

I’m not exercising and I’m hating the way I feel. I ache when I get up in the morning. My knees and ankles crack loudly with almost every move and I’m starting to spend more time on the floor with Carys and getting up from there is  a real effort and it hurts! Don’t even talk to me about bathing her as I’ve just started bathing her in the big bath and it is a real effort to get down and stay on my knees to bath her, let alone getting up.

The thing is I don’t want to be that Mum! I want to be full of energy when I get up in the mornings and get up and down off the ground with her with ease. So why am I doing this to myself? Why am I doing this to her? I love her more than anyone/anything I’ve ever known. I don’t want to be a fat Mum. I don’t want her to get teased because of me. I don’t want her to be ashamed of me. I want her to be proud of me. I don’t want to let my weight stop me from taking her to the beach or wet’n’wild or to go out and run around with her.

I’ve got every excuse under the sun for not exercising. It’s too hot, it’s magpie season so I can’t walk, I don’t have time. And truthfully fitting in anything is hard work. I could definitely fit in a walk with her (i.e do something that includes her rather than trying to use my exercise bike or elliptical where I need her really to be asleep) but the heat and the magpies are an honest deterrent for me. So I’ve been toying with the idea of joining a gym with childcare. I mean I’m not working and I should just make it my job to go to the gym EVERY day. With someone to take care of Carys while I work out I have no excuse really. Except I’m struggling big time with the idea of a stranger looking after her for an hour. BIG TIME. She’s only 3 months old. Will she feel abandoned? What if they are mean to her? What if they don’t pick her up if she cries? It’s all just too much for me. Except of course I know that she’s better off being without me for an hour every day than forever. My mortality is playing on my mind big time. I’ve never seriously considered the fact that something could happen to me because of my weight. But since Carys came along I have nightmares about me having a heartattack or something and leaving her without a Mum and the thought devastates me. I want to be around for my little girl so I need to think about that when worrying about her being in childcare for an hour right?

So tomorrow I’m off to check out a Pure Health Club near me that has childcare and lots of classes. They even have a class you can bring your baby along to which I love the sound of (wish they had that one more than once a week!).  Wish me luck!

Here’s the long, painful story…

I started feeling mild contractions around 1am Wed morning 5/8/2009. By 5am they’d gotten really bad and I was starting to get a bit scared. I noticed they were getting closer together and the pain was starting to scare me.  So at 5.20am I texted my Doula (Liz) who arrived about 35 minutes later.  As she arrived I burst into tears as I realised this was it and I was actually going to be meeting my baby in the very near future.  By the time she got here the contractions were 5 minutes apart and lasting 60 seconds. By 6.15am they were 3 minutes apart. However after a few hours of sitting in the birth pool my husband  and Liz set up for me the contractions slowed to every 10 minutes but they were stronger. They continued throughout the day – anywhere between 8-10 minutes. I got out of the birthing pool at times when I got too hot and spent time on the fit ball, walking, sitting, laying, trying to rest in between contractions.  At 7pm they started to come every 5 minutes. We lit some candles and sat and talked in between contractions. I was in the birth pool at this point.  My husband  sat and played his guitar for awhile. We all commented on how peaceful it was and I truly did feel quite relaxed despite being in quite a lot of pain through the contractions. By 8.25pm my contractions were 3 minutes apart and 60 seconds long. I was shaky, sweating and crying. Liz felt for sure I was getting close to birthing the baby and we left for the hospital. Before we left Liz took me into the nursery to take a look at it and told me that next time I walked into this room it would be with my baby.  A very emotional moment.

The walk to the assessment unit was dreadful.  I had to stop every 3 minutes for a contraction…it’s a long walk when heavily pregnant anyway but that was the longest walk of my life! When I arrived I was shaky, sweating and crying and the midwife could see I was in a lot of pain so sent me straight to the birth suite. As we arrived at the birth suite another midwife there starting asking me all these questions…and guess what? My contractions starting getting further apart.  It was clear she didn’t think I was in ‘true’ labour and she wanted to do an exam on me. I didn’t want the exam but she pretty much insisted so told her that I didn’t want to know how much I was dilated so I didn’t get discouraged. But of course I knew if they sent me out of the birthing suite it would be bad news.  They sent me up to a private room in the ward and offered me a sleeping tablet…I found out later I was only 1cm dilated, 90% effaced, baby’s head well down. Liz was in shock as she knew I had been having really strong and regular contractions. So I took the sleeping tablet and slept in between contractions which were back to 5 minutes apart. Liz lay on the floor next to me and sat up to hold my hand in between every contraction. What an amazing woman. This continued throughout the night.

At 5.15am the next morning (Thursday) I was given another examination and I was still only 1cm. Liz suggested I might want some pethidine (something she would not do usually under any circumstances but she knew how much pain I was in and knew I needed to rest). At 5.30am I had the pethidine. I had beautiful sleep in between contractions but still woke up groaning in pain when each contraction arrived.  At 8.45am I was given another examination. Still 1cm dilated. Saw my obstetrician who told me I was in very early labour and this could continue for days. She suggested she booked me in the next morning to have my waters broken if nothing had progressed by then. I found it hard to believe that I would have to wait that long but agreed for her to book me in. We decided to go home again (I was longing for the birth pool again!) and got home about 1.45pm Thursday. I spent the afternoon trying to rest (no success as contractions were still 5-10cm apart) and in the birth pool. At 6pm I’d had enough and called the hospital as I was exhausted and was not handling the pain. I wanted to see if they could break my waters then rather than the next morning. They told me that all their birth suites were full and they couldn’t take me so I’d have to wait till the morning. They gave me the option to come and spend the night in the private room again with pethidine but I just wanted it to be over and I knew they’d give me an epidural once they’d broken my waters and I started dilating. (At this point I should remind you that I prior to going into labour I DID NOT want an epidural. It scared me more than the labour pain and was adamant I wouldn’t have one…but now I was begging them to give me one!) So you can imagine how distraught I was at them telling me I had to wait till the next morning. I didn’t know how I was going to cope but I had no choice. So it was back in the birth pool.

At 1.40am I could not cope anymore and we rang the hospital to tell them I was coming in even if all I could do was have some pethidine. So we went in and they did another exam on me and I was 2cm dilated. Oh the joy!  I was still in absolute agony. The midwife who checked me was really great and tried to get the obstetrician on duty to agree to give me an epidural or break my waters early but she refused (we saw her leaving to go home as we walked in…she clearly wanted to go home). But after making us wait a couple of hours she finally came in and gave us the good news that I was going to get an epidural immediately. I had heard her on the phone several times talking about me and how much pain I was in and how loud I was when having contractions that they could hear me at the front desk.

So finally around 3am I got an epidural and it was pure heaven. Finally I was out of pain…50 hours later…No complications and not painful for him to put it in. My concern was that because I am a bigger girl he’d have trouble finding the right spot but it was all fine thank goodness! Not without worry. He told me about the all the risks of epidurals and proceeded to tell me my risk was double for all those because of my weight. Awesome. Honestly though I needed to be out of pain so even though the risks worried me I had no choice but to go through with it.

My doctor arrived around 6am and broke my waters and put a Syntocinon drip on to get the labour really going (36mls per hour). By 10.30am I was 4cm dilated…apparently that was the hard bit getting to 4cm. Then around 1pm I started to feel a lot of pressure and a bit of pain again. The doctor wasn’t due for another hour or 2 but I asked for another exam as I really felt like the baby might be coming. Liz said she doubted the baby would be coming as it was a bit early and said we should be pleased if I was 5cm-6cm. I had an exam but the midwife wasn’t too confident and said she thought I was 6cm but wanted to get another opinion. So another midwife came in and said “There’s no cervix”. I asked what that meant and Liz said “You’re fully dilated” Hallelujah! The baby was at -1 station.  So they told me to wait for another hour to let the baby come down a little bit more and they the doctor would come for me to start pushing. At some point I had a top up of my epidural again as I really started to feel the contractions.

At 2.40pm my obstetrician came and the hard work began…the pushing…At this point she was at +1 station. She was born at 4.24pm. I honestly didn’t think I’d get through it. The first hour or so I didn’t make much progress in moving her out, and at that point I would’ve gratefully accepted a c-section to be honest. But about half way I started to make progress and I could hear everyone getting really excited and I could feel the pressure from her head…so it (kind of) got easier to keep pushing despite now having been in labour for 60+ hours with nothing more than 10 minutes sleep at a time.

And then she was here…They took her to the paediatrician’s table first as there had been meconium in my waters when they broke it  but they brought her over to me for me about 90 seconds later to see what sex she was…I said “It’s a little girl…I’m so happy…oh you beautiful little girl” and they put her on my chest and I cried. She looked up at me all slimy and with big wide eyes…she had SO much hair…it was all curly from the vernix and she was so big! She was 9 pounds. But I fell in love with this little slimy, wriggly, chubby little girl instantly. We just gazed at each other forever and I kept kissing her head. When Dale spoke to her she would look around to find where his voice was coming from. Such as special moment and I’d do it all again 40 times over for her…

mummy-and-me

Carys

Born Fri 7/8/2009 at 4.24pm after a 60 hour labour!!

9 pounds 1

53.5cm long

Carys is pronounced like Paris but with a ‘C’. It means ‘love’ in Welsh. Janette was my Mum’s name and Vanessa is my Mother-in-law’s name.

I’m possibly biased, but seriously the most beautiful girl in the world.  I’m totally in love.

She has some ’stork bites’ on her face which I’m told will fade eventually…probably in a few months.
I can’t believe it’s taken this long for me to post this…life with a newborn is crazy!

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