Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life battling with these demons in my head. The demons that accuse me of being hopeless, of judging me for just not doing what I have to do to lose weight once and for all. The constant voice in my head:

  • Don’t eat this, don’t eat that.
  • You should be eating more fruit and vegetables.
  • You’re not exercising enough.
  • You’re not doing enough.
  • You’re failing.
  • You’ll never do this.
  • You can’t do this.
  • I don’t want to …. (exercise, cook and prepare healthy food)
  • I’m so tired of the physical pain
  • I’m so tired of the emotional pain
  • I’m so tired of being tired
  • It’s hard, I’m sick of it being so hard
  • I just want to eat what I want to eat
  • I just want to do what I want to do
  • I hate exercise
  • I hate food
  • I love food
  • Why can’t you just do it????
  • I hate you!!!
  • Why me?
  • Poor me!!

I’m so tired of feeling sorry for myself. I need to feel angry. I need to be in a position where I can’t control what I eat or what I do. I need to be forced to do the things I don’t want to do. I need to be pushed, beyond my levels of comfort. I don’t need to be surrounded by people who will bend and cater to my whims or feel sorry for me. I need tough love. I will hate it, it scares the shit out of me, I will cry, I will feel sorry for myself, I will expect others to feel sorry for me. But i can’t have sympathy anymore. I need to get angry. I need to get angry enough to push through the pain, to get to a place where there is no turning back. I don’t know where else to get this experience from. I know this is all in my head. I know that I need to break through something mentally that I just don’t believe I can do in my normal, comfortable, cushy life surrounded by people that just want to keep me happy and comfortable. I need to be in a place where I can’t play the princess, where I can’t pretend that everything is OK. EVERYTHING IS NOT OK.

So I had a tough childhood. So I had an alcoholic, depressed Mother with probably some sort of mental illness. So my Mother committed suicide when I was 20. So my parents divorced and my Dad married someone who I thought hated me. So I sometimes felt unwelcome and not part of that home. So I had too many tragic experiences to go into as a child. So I’ve never felt good enough, so I’ve always compared myself to others, so I’ve had some very cruel and horrific experiences because of my weight. SO WHAT??? I’m so tired of feeling sorry for myself. When do I get angry about all that instead? When does the fury inside me flare up so much that I can’t bare another day of this pain and mental anguish? I NEED to be angry. I NEED to stop being so damn sad all the time. So I get stared at, laughed at, pointed at by a group of asian men when I’m walking outside my work IN FRONT of my colleagues!!! Do I get angry? No, I get sad. I feel sorry for myself. I hate them for making me feel small (no pun intended haha), for making me feel like a freak, for making me feel like I want to crawl up into a little ball and hide, but I sit there in my sadness, feeling sorry for myself and I DO NOTHING!!

I know what I have to do. I know what I have to eat. I know what sort of exercise I need to do. I know, I know, I know, I know. But I don’t do it. Why? I don’t think I have the time or money to explore whatever barriers I have that keep me in this terrible place. I’ve seen cousellors, I’ve written pages and pages and pages (probably books!) about my issues and my feelings, I’ve talked and I’ve talked and I’m analysed everything in my life to the point where I’m sick of talking about it, thinking about it, agonising over it. I need to ACT!! I need to stop talking the talk and walking the walk instead. I just can’t see me doing this on my own in my current circumstances. I just don’t believe I can do it. I know it shouldn’t be hard. I know I do have the ability to do it on my own, I’ve achieved so much in my life despite circumstances, but this battle has gotten the better of me. This is not a cry of a woman giving up. I do intend to keep trying, taking step by step each day, but I am slowly losing hope that I’ll ever climb the one mountain I ever dreamed of conquering.

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Stephanie said, July 31st, 2010 at 1:23 am

Just starting to read your blog.

I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written here – mainly the general feelings of being overweight.

I want to give you a big hug for what you have gone through. You are such a beautiful person – inside and out. Hugs for you, Rach xoxo

Note to self – lap top keyboard does not like tears – use tissues instead!

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