Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

Just adding to yesterday’s post about perfectionism…It annoys me that I feel I need to portray the image of perfection to other people…especially one of my best friends who’s known me for 35 years! I guess I feel I need to show people I’ve got it together at least in some aspect in my life…as in “Oh she’s fat but she has a beautiful house!”…craziness..

I broke down on the chiropractor’s table today. They’ve been trying to talk to me about nutrition for awhile now and I just admitted I am lost. ¬†She asked me to keep a food diary for her and that it wouldn’t be a judgemental exercise and that she’ll just be asking me to add things to it rather than take away…I have been resisting keeping it because my diet is SO full of sugar right now. She was telling me not to give up on myself and they are there to support me in every way they can etc. I’m going down to weekly visits and we’re going to talk about what sort of foods I can eat to get rid of some of the inflammation in my body right now…everything hurts pretty much all the time. It hurts to stand up from sitting. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit here right now on the office chair. I’m only 37…well 38 later this month…I really shouldn’t be feeling this way. Over. IT.

I cancelled my weight watchers online subscription.

I was contacted by someone from 60 minutes last week . She had found my blog and wanted to know if I’d like to be part of a story about how hard it is to maintain weight loss. I was kind of excited at first. 15 minute of fame and all that. Not just that..I think I had some fantasy in my head that maybe someone would see me and want to help me. I have no idea who that person would be but I guess I’m still looking for the magic pill, surgery or person who has the answer for me when I really need to buckle down and do it myself. Anyway I initially said yes but mentioned it to some trusted friends and they cautioned me to be careful and asked me if I really wanted to define myself to all of Australia and to myself as someone who can’t lose weight…and they also warned me not to let myself be portrayed as a victim…so I thought about it some more and decided not to do it. The producer called me early this week and I told him I changed my mind. I think I’m doing the right thing but there is still some part of me that wants to do it…fame whore much?

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