I have been wanting to update here for some time but honestly I just don’t seem to have any time to myself these days…I love being a Mum but boy is it tiring and time consuming! I miss being able to just go and do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it…but of course I wouldn’t change a thing.  Tonight everyone else is in bed and I decided to stay up and put down some things that have been on my mind.

5 weeks after giving birth to Carys I was quite excited as I was only 4kg heavier than I was when I first fell pregnant. This was of course still much higher than  my lowest weight (due to IVF and my last pregnancy) but I was still quite surprised and happy to see most of the weight disappear that quickly. I stopped weighing myself in the end but I estimate I put on between 16-18kg during the pregnancy so was happy to have shifted 12+kg within 5 weeks. However I haven’t really weighed myself much lately and I’m a bit scared to as my eating has been TERRRIBLE and I have done no exercise.

A couple of weeks ago I decided my eating was really out of control. I was hungry all the time and my meal sizes seemed to be getting closer to what I used to eat pre-band. So I spoke to my lactation consultant and also Dr Duncombe about whether they thought I should have an adjustment. I already have a low milk supply so I didn’t want anything to affect my supply even further! Both of them agreed I could have an adjustment so I did that and had 1ml put back in. I’m pretty sure this took me back to my pre-pregnancy fill amount. My first few days I took it easy and felt a difference. However it didn’t take me long to work out that although the fill slowed me down eating wise I could still eat almost as much as I was before the 1ml. I just had to eat it slower and really chew well. So I went back for another 1ml  two weeks later. And again I’ve found the same thing. I have to eat a lot slower and I’m having more food get stuck (but eventually pass through) but I can still eat a hell of a lot more than I should be able to.  It’s scaring me! I mentioned to Dr Duncombe that I was worried I’d stretched my new ‘pouch’ or smaller stomach but she didn’t think I had. I’m tempted to go get another fill to see what it does. I’m almost wanting to get to a point where I can only drink liquids but I know that is just stupid as that will definitely affect my milk supply and I know it’s not healthy. I just need my band to be my self control at the moment and I don’t think it’s ever going to be?

I’ve been feeling really depressed lately despite being so in love with my little girl. I hate the way I look and I still can’t fit back into a lot of my clothes. My stomach is the main problem…I hate the extra bit that’s hanging down and stopping me from wearing my jeans and hence most of my tops which I feel I need the tightness of my jeans to wear with them.  My depression is causing me to want to eat more and eat bad food and it’s just a vicious cycle.

I’m not exercising and I’m hating the way I feel. I ache when I get up in the morning. My knees and ankles crack loudly with almost every move and I’m starting to spend more time on the floor with Carys and getting up from there is  a real effort and it hurts! Don’t even talk to me about bathing her as I’ve just started bathing her in the big bath and it is a real effort to get down and stay on my knees to bath her, let alone getting up.

The thing is I don’t want to be that Mum! I want to be full of energy when I get up in the mornings and get up and down off the ground with her with ease. So why am I doing this to myself? Why am I doing this to her? I love her more than anyone/anything I’ve ever known. I don’t want to be a fat Mum. I don’t want her to get teased because of me. I don’t want her to be ashamed of me. I want her to be proud of me. I don’t want to let my weight stop me from taking her to the beach or wet’n'wild or to go out and run around with her.

I’ve got every excuse under the sun for not exercising. It’s too hot, it’s magpie season so I can’t walk, I don’t have time. And truthfully fitting in anything is hard work. I could definitely fit in a walk with her (i.e do something that includes her rather than trying to use my exercise bike or elliptical where I need her really to be asleep) but the heat and the magpies are an honest deterrent for me. So I’ve been toying with the idea of joining a gym with childcare. I mean I’m not working and I should just make it my job to go to the gym EVERY day. With someone to take care of Carys while I work out I have no excuse really. Except I’m struggling big time with the idea of a stranger looking after her for an hour. BIG TIME. She’s only 3 months old. Will she feel abandoned? What if they are mean to her? What if they don’t pick her up if she cries? It’s all just too much for me. Except of course I know that she’s better off being without me for an hour every day than forever. My mortality is playing on my mind big time. I’ve never seriously considered the fact that something could happen to me because of my weight. But since Carys came along I have nightmares about me having a heartattack or something and leaving her without a Mum and the thought devastates me. I want to be around for my little girl so I need to think about that when worrying about her being in childcare for an hour right?

So tomorrow I’m off to check out a Pure Health Club near me that has childcare and lots of classes. They even have a class you can bring your baby along to which I love the sound of (wish they had that one more than once a week!).  Wish me luck!