Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

I have been wanting to update here for some time but honestly I just don’t seem to have any time to myself these days…I love being a Mum but boy is it tiring and time consuming! I miss being able to just go and do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it…but of course I wouldn’t change a thing.  Tonight everyone else is in bed and I decided to stay up and put down some things that have been on my mind.

5 weeks after giving birth to Carys I was quite excited as I was only 4kg heavier than I was when I first fell pregnant. This was of course still much higher than  my lowest weight (due to IVF and my last pregnancy) but I was still quite surprised and happy to see most of the weight disappear that quickly. I stopped weighing myself in the end but I estimate I put on between 16-18kg during the pregnancy so was happy to have shifted 12+kg within 5 weeks. However I haven’t really weighed myself much lately and I’m a bit scared to as my eating has been TERRRIBLE and I have done no exercise.

A couple of weeks ago I decided my eating was really out of control. I was hungry all the time and my meal sizes seemed to be getting closer to what I used to eat pre-band. So I spoke to my lactation consultant and also Dr Duncombe about whether they thought I should have an adjustment. I already have a low milk supply so I didn’t want anything to affect my supply even further! Both of them agreed I could have an adjustment so I did that and had 1ml put back in. I’m pretty sure this took me back to my pre-pregnancy fill amount. My first few days I took it easy and felt a difference. However it didn’t take me long to work out that although the fill slowed me down eating wise I could still eat almost as much as I was before the 1ml. I just had to eat it slower and really chew well. So I went back for another 1ml  two weeks later. And again I’ve found the same thing. I have to eat a lot slower and I’m having more food get stuck (but eventually pass through) but I can still eat a hell of a lot more than I should be able to.  It’s scaring me! I mentioned to Dr Duncombe that I was worried I’d stretched my new ‘pouch’ or smaller stomach but she didn’t think I had. I’m tempted to go get another fill to see what it does. I’m almost wanting to get to a point where I can only drink liquids but I know that is just stupid as that will definitely affect my milk supply and I know it’s not healthy. I just need my band to be my self control at the moment and I don’t think it’s ever going to be?

I’ve been feeling really depressed lately despite being so in love with my little girl. I hate the way I look and I still can’t fit back into a lot of my clothes. My stomach is the main problem…I hate the extra bit that’s hanging down and stopping me from wearing my jeans and hence most of my tops which I feel I need the tightness of my jeans to wear with them.  My depression is causing me to want to eat more and eat bad food and it’s just a vicious cycle.

I’m not exercising and I’m hating the way I feel. I ache when I get up in the morning. My knees and ankles crack loudly with almost every move and I’m starting to spend more time on the floor with Carys and getting up from there is  a real effort and it hurts! Don’t even talk to me about bathing her as I’ve just started bathing her in the big bath and it is a real effort to get down and stay on my knees to bath her, let alone getting up.

The thing is I don’t want to be that Mum! I want to be full of energy when I get up in the mornings and get up and down off the ground with her with ease. So why am I doing this to myself? Why am I doing this to her? I love her more than anyone/anything I’ve ever known. I don’t want to be a fat Mum. I don’t want her to get teased because of me. I don’t want her to be ashamed of me. I want her to be proud of me. I don’t want to let my weight stop me from taking her to the beach or wet’n’wild or to go out and run around with her.

I’ve got every excuse under the sun for not exercising. It’s too hot, it’s magpie season so I can’t walk, I don’t have time. And truthfully fitting in anything is hard work. I could definitely fit in a walk with her (i.e do something that includes her rather than trying to use my exercise bike or elliptical where I need her really to be asleep) but the heat and the magpies are an honest deterrent for me. So I’ve been toying with the idea of joining a gym with childcare. I mean I’m not working and I should just make it my job to go to the gym EVERY day. With someone to take care of Carys while I work out I have no excuse really. Except I’m struggling big time with the idea of a stranger looking after her for an hour. BIG TIME. She’s only 3 months old. Will she feel abandoned? What if they are mean to her? What if they don’t pick her up if she cries? It’s all just too much for me. Except of course I know that she’s better off being without me for an hour every day than forever. My mortality is playing on my mind big time. I’ve never seriously considered the fact that something could happen to me because of my weight. But since Carys came along I have nightmares about me having a heartattack or something and leaving her without a Mum and the thought devastates me. I want to be around for my little girl so I need to think about that when worrying about her being in childcare for an hour right?

So tomorrow I’m off to check out a Pure Health Club near me that has childcare and lots of classes. They even have a class you can bring your baby along to which I love the sound of (wish they had that one more than once a week!).  Wish me luck!

9 Responsed To This Post

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beetricks said, November 16th, 2009 at 5:30 pm

I know you are going to be pretty unimpressed with me and probably tell me to fuck off but I’m willing to take the risk. *takes a deep breath and crosses fingers*

Can I please, please beg again for you to seek help from a psychologist? You told me last time you couldn’t afford it but you know that you can – it’s really important. The things you buy for you or your daughter cannot bring you happiness – only you being content and happy with your life is really going to make a difference.

I would recommend the Beck Diet Solution – it has changed my life big time. But I couldn’t have got to this point without my dietician who is also a psychologist.

Please get help. It’s the most important thing you can do.

beetricks said, November 16th, 2009 at 8:49 pm

And girl, you do know who this is, don’t you???? New name…

ntbl said, November 16th, 2009 at 10:22 pm

Yes I know who you are beetricks :-)
And no I’m not unimpressed with you! Of course no one likes anyone else to tell them need a psychologist lol…but of course I know you’re coming from a good place and I know you’re right. It’s not *just* the money thing bee…it’s just…well…I’ve been to so many psychologists, therapists, counsellors etc over the years and while I agree that my problems are definitely psychological I just don’t think I have faith that anyone can actually help me. They haven’t up till now. I need to find the right person and I don’t even know how to begin to do that you know?
Will check out the Beck Diet Solution….

beetricks said, November 17th, 2009 at 7:04 am

I know…it’s hard to find the ‘right’ one. The last time I went to one (there’s been a few!) I found her through a recommendation by the psych I was seeing – it just wasn’t working out. She was gold! But she still couldn’t help me with the food thing. It wasn’t until I found my dietician/phych that it really clicked…and even then it took a good 8 months of seeing her. You know how I found her? She was recommended by the Low GI Newsletter! LOL!

I would be happy to ask her if she knows anyone up your way. A combo like hers (D&P) would be great because there’s just some days you don’t feel like dealing with the head but the food still needs sorting.

Even if you’re up for me asking her for you, I think the first step is to look for someone who deals specificially with food issues. In fact, deals with it so much they state it in the ad! Yes, it’s a pain in the arse and it’s puttiing everything out there again and yes it hurts ut it has to be done. I bawled like a baby for my 1st session – felt like such a failure because I had just put on 20+kgs in under a year after taking over 2 years to lose it. But I knew I had to do it.

ntbl said, November 17th, 2009 at 8:28 am

Please ask her bee…that would be awesome…

linda said, November 26th, 2009 at 8:22 pm

Rachie pooh, those excuses are bollocks. What about starting off with just 10 sit ups and 10 light weights each arm? then moving to 15 sit ups etc etc etc.

Pooh, I’ve worked out with you. I know your stamina. I know your potential. You can so start a program. Do it for your baby girl. Just start SOMETHING! OK???

You know I’ve been studying coaching. OK, it’s business coaching, but do you need some structure? You know my number. LJ

ntbl said, November 26th, 2009 at 8:27 pm

You’re totally right Linda…and have started a bit of a routine…will post about it soon…feelng better for it…lost next to no weight last week even though I worked my ass off…but oh well…I know I need to keep going…coaching sounds good though….when’s a good time to call?

Nola said, November 29th, 2009 at 9:02 pm

Firstly….go get another fill. You can always go and get some out again! I hear you with your excuses….I really do. I used excuses like that for 48yrs!! lol….except the magpie one…I used plovers!! lol lol
Seriously Rach….I can tell you are worried about being around for Carys and being able to do “stuff” with her. Just put her in the pram and get out and walk…..every farking day. Just get out the door….you HAVE TO!!! Doesn’t matter if it’s raining…you can put one of those plastic cover things over the pram and you can wear a coat. Just start with that. Just walk with Carys. That’s all….that is all you have to do. STOP putting so much pressure on yourself. Sort out your fill and start walking. The rest will come eventually….I promise. While you walk meditate or listen to something positive in your earphones or just concentrate on your breathing….like they teach you in meditation. Just walk and breathe….walk and breathe.
God, I wish I lived near to you….we would be like twin Forest Gumps together :) How is it going anyway….update please….

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