Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

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I know it’s been ages since I last updated. I’ve really had a hellish month and I just have not been able to bear the thought of sitting at the computer for too long to update. I’ve been experiencing really bad morning sickness and of course tiredness, but it is mainly the nausea that is affecting me the most. No vomitting, but just a terrible nausea that hangs around all day, every day. It comes in waves and is sometimes bearable so I can get things done, but sometimes completely debilitates me, so that all I can do is lay down and feel sorry for myself.

I’m now nearly 10 weeks, so hopefully only another 2-3 weeks to go. I’ve been so thankful to have 2 weeks off work so I don’t have to cope with working and the nausea for 2 weeks but I’m really not looking forward to going back to work on Monday. I am counting down the days till our 12 week Nuchal Translucency scan so that we can hopefully clear any worries we have about this pregnancy. I pray the results are normal. I don’t know how I’d go through another experience like last time and to have to go through all this morning sickness again….ugh….

The sickness and tiredness has really had a huge affect on my mood and it hasn’t helped that I have let everything fall behind (housework, paperwork etc). I feel so guilty for not doing everything I should be doing and I have really been struggling with my weight and eating.  I have put on 2kg since I first went to the accupuncturist. I know this is becuase of my eating. Since my morning sickness set in, my healthy eating went out the door. All the food I was eating prior to getting sick now makes me feel sick, so no more eggs for breakfast, no avocado, nuts, rice crackers etc. I am eating A LOT of bread and lots of salty, savoury things (some not so good for me).  Luckily I have zero sweet cravings, though I’ve still managed to eat a few sweet things here and there as comfort food.  I’m really struggling. Breakfast consists of 2 pieces of toast with butter and vegemite and cheese or peanut butter. A few hours later I’m sick and hungry again so if I’m at home I’ve been having a bacon and egg sandwich. A few hours later I’m hungry and sick again and so it will be another meal. And this just continues all day. Food helps the nausea slightly, well at least the nausea is worse if I’m hungry, so I’m constantly eating. And of course I’m so sick I am not exercising. I barely move from the lounge all day when I’m at home. It’s bad. I’m trying to convince myself that I’ll be better once this morning sickness goes around week 12-13, but in the meantime I’m so down about it.

I had 1ml removed from my band a few weeks ago which has given me slightly less restriction, but not that much to be honest. Apparently I now have about 6.5ml instead of 7.5ml. I mentioned to the doctor who does my fills that my accupuncturist was worried I wasn’t getting enough nutrition to the baby and she got a bit fired up and said I was getting plenty of nutrition and not to let anyone tell me otherwise.  I find it hard to know who to believe.

My accupuncturist has since asked me to get all my fluid removed while I’m pregnant. She is convinced the band is making my morning sickness and indigestion worse as food is not flowing through the stomach as it should be. I actually wouldn’t mind getting some or most of the fluid removed, but I’m worried about the reaction I’ll get from the doctor who wanted me to still have ‘control’, so didn’t want to remove too much fluid. And of course she’ll weigh me and find I’ve put on 2kg since she adjusted me, and I just don’t think I could handle that, even though she never gives me a hard time about my weight gains, it is me who does that.

I am thinking I could go back to my surgeon for an adjustment, but I know they were very adamant that I should wait to lose more weight before falling pregnant again, and also I feel ashamed to face him, having put on so much weight since my initial 20kg loss. So I feel stuck and frustrated and like I am disappointing everyone and can’t do anything right.  I can’t handle any lectures right now, I’m know I’m not doing well. I know I’m not doing the right things. I just don’t know how to fix it.

Sorry for such a depressing post after all this time. I’m finding it really hard to pick myself up out of this mood. Anyone would think I wasn’t happy about being pregnant. I really am.

3 Responsed To This Post

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mygif_alt
cat =^..^= said, January 5th, 2009 at 12:00 am

0h my god gorgeous! your hormones and everyone else is messing with your head. find another woman who has gone through a pregnancy with a band and see what worked for her. i know you feel sick and i know you are ashamed of the weight gain, but right now you are pregnant, something you have tried very hard and suffered for. suck in the shame, the pride, the dignity, the embarrassment. live through the lectures, snide comments and this isn’t what i recommended talks and just do whatever it takes to get your healthy baby delivered in 7 months time!!!! nothing else matters. i don’t care if you didn’t follow doctor’s orders, do what it takes now. and find out if the band should be released. it makes sense but research, research, research. your baby deserves to have its mum fighting back at every turn to get it to term. so pull on those “big girl knickers” tell htme all to go to hell and do what will get you and your kid there together!!!!!!!

loving you X0 cat =^..^=

mygif
Ri said, January 5th, 2009 at 12:43 am

Um.. ditto to everything that Cat said! There is so much going on in your body right now that you can’t help but being overwhelmed by it all. you are doing so amazingly well to be where you are at the moment and not having a nervous breakdown!

I know everyone is probably giving you heaps of advice about the morning sickness, but my aunty (midwife) mentioned as she was taking her travel ginger before getting on the plane yesterday that they are now using it in pregnancy for morning sickness. Ask your chemist about it, maybe it will help?

Lots of hugs and kisses for you!!

mygif_alt
Nola said, January 6th, 2009 at 8:32 pm

Exactly what the other two have said! Also, I would print this blog out and just hand it to your surgeon to read! He is human you know! Plus, they need to know what works and what doesn’t so it can be improved upon. That’s if you want to go to your surgeon and you can’t be bothered trying to talk to him when you get there:)I did that to my GP once….I wrote it all out about how shit I felt and that I couldn’t speak to him because I would cry and waste time….he loved it!! and was very, very sympathetic and helpful.

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