Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…


I’m back from my overseas holiday. We had a great time. It was a really good break and I had lots of happy moments. We ate a lot and not always well. My only saving grace was that we walked everywhere, pretty much every day, all day. So I think that helped me weight wise, though I think I have put on a few kilos. I did weigh myself when I got back, but because I have no idea what I weighed when I left, I can’t say for sure, but I think I did put on a few kilos.

I suffered from a really bad ulcer on the roof of my mouth about 1.5 weeks before we came home and that seemed to turn into an infection on my left tonsil which was sore for the last part of my trip. At one stage I was worried that maybe it was reflux that caused the ulcer and then the sore throat as I woke up quite a few nights coughing and that maybe I had been pushing the limits of my band. However the day I got home I went to the doctor and got some penicillin as she thought it could’ve been tonsilitis and the sore throat cleared up within 24 hours, so I am thinking it wasn’t reflux. It did give me a scare though.

I’ve certainly come to the realisation that exercise is not enough and that I really need to take control of my eating again. I am not happy with where I am weight wise, in fact I’m downright depressed about it. I have been feeling really lost and don’t know what to do or how to fix my eating. Then I remembered that the dietician gave me a perfectly good and flexible plan to follow many months ago and that would probably be a good place to start. I dismissed it at the time as I felt it was just another ‘diet’ which I was so over, but I know now that I HAVE to get into a healthy eating routine. The band is not going to do it on it’s own. Exercise is not going to do it on it’s own. I need to take control. I guess I had a real penny dropping moment the day I got back that lapbanding is really not the easy way out and I am still going to have to work damn hard to get this weight off (damn it!).

I had some great times overseas and mostly I felt pretty good about myself (possibly helped by the fact that american men generally can find beauty in women of all shapes and sizes), however on returning and checking out the photos on the ‘big screen’, I realised that I didn’t look so good after all and it really did depress me. I can’t believe a year after my surgery I have manged to put back 10kg of the weight I lost after surgery and still look unacceptably fat. I am going to my cousin’s wedding in 10 days in NSW, and I had really hoped to have had a huge transformation by then and that my aunty (who doesn’t know I had the surgery) would ask me how I did it and I could tell her. But no, most people wouldn’t even notice the change. I can barely notice it anymore. I also just saw a photo of me in the dress I’m planning to wear to the wedding and I look huge in it. I really did think I looked good that day. sigh. It makes me want to go out and buy another outfit, but what’s the point…clothes can’t hide what I look like.

Another realisation I had when I was overseas was that eating out was actually a good thing. My band is pretty tight and so in order to eat what I want to eat, I have to eat VERY slow. My husband is a very fast eater, so by the time he’s finished his meal, I have literally only taken a few bites and have hardly touched my meal. He is not the most patient of people, so I always start to feel a bit panicked and start to try and rush which causes the band to get blocked which causes me to have to wait longer for my next bite (or go to the bathroom to bring up the blockage if it is really bad). This means that I will never finish a meal when we eat out. This was really good for my portion sizes. What tends to happen at home is that because I can sit in front of the tv and eat and it doesn’t affect him how long I take, I can take up to an hour to finish a meal, and so I tend to be able to eat more (still less than I used to, but considerably more than I think I should be able to). So one of the things I am going to do is to set myself a time limit. Anything I can’t finish in 20 minutes will have to go. This will be a really hard one for me, but it really must be done. I think I also need to kill the habit of eating in front of the tv. Another hard one as it’s something I really love to do…

I’ve had a really, really bad day today. I have been feeling quite down lately and today I couldn’t stop eating. I ate and I ate and I ate way past the point of feeling comfortable. I knew I was doing it to smother my sadness, my anxiety, my emotions and I told myself that’s what was going on and I did it anyway. I don’t know how to stop doing that. I know people suggest going for a walk, reading a book, doing something different, but at those points it seems impossible to do anything but eat. It makes me happy and it’s the only thing I want to do.  Thankfully since I’ve had the band, these moments don’t happen as extreme as they did today very often, but it did scare me. I don’t want to cause my band or myself damage by overeating. I want to feel the hope that I felt before I had the surgery that I CAN do this. That I can lose weight. But I will be honest and say I’ve lost it. I feel hopeless that so many around me are having such success with their bands and I have failed myself AGAIN.  I think it’s probably time I sought counselling for this, but it’s just so expensive to go regularly and I don’t know where to start to find the right person who is not too far from me and won’t cost an arm and a leg. I would love to see Tess Law again but going down to the Gold Coast regularly is not practical and she’s also not cheap (though totally worth the money). But I do need help. I am just so sad and finding it so hard get on top of it.

9 Responsed To This Post

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Nola said, October 13th, 2008 at 5:59 am

God I wish we lived closer to each other!! Seeing someone would probably help, but I know how expensive it is and that it isn’t easy to “just do that”. Is there another bander that lives near you? Maybe, if you could find the right bander that you really get on well with you could arrange to meet once a week and talk. Like having your own little WW meetings and thrash out your feelings between one another and also “rev” each other up? Maybe even kill two birds with one stone and make it a walk and talk meeting? Perhaps you could be the one to start a support group. Get your teeth into something (besides food that is!!) and make this your interest? Get passionate about it and start this club, organise walks, meetings….interstate get togethers??? Don’t withdraw….that is the main thing! Rach, the island has chat now…so next time you are having a rough time and feel like talking….text me and I will hop on chat…might help :) Mind you… will be all about me on Thursday and you might just be getting a text from MOI !!!! Keep your chin up …. you KNOW I love you!! When is your next holiday…come down to me:)

Cass said, October 13th, 2008 at 9:39 am

Hey sweetie – I am so hearing you and completely get where you are coming from… Will send you am email later today – I just came back from a 2 week holiday myself and am facing a whole heap of broken promises to myself… I hate that feeling of failure…

nola said, October 13th, 2008 at 2:53 pm

Also…how is your restriction? Maybe you could just “pretend” to start all over again to get back on the right track? Do a week of fluids, then mush etc just to kick start yourself again?

cranky said, October 13th, 2008 at 6:57 pm

In terms of the Pyschologist – what price your health? You and your husband have jobs, and can afford to go overseas, so you CAN afford to see a counsellor. In fact – you have to. It’s the only thing that will get you over the addiction you have to food.

This may seem harsh, but I believe that you need to force yourself to value what you need, and good, regular couselling (sp?) is what you need…

I write all this with love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nola said, October 14th, 2008 at 12:20 pm

Hmmmm….Cranky might have something there:)

Tracey said, October 14th, 2008 at 1:46 pm

Hi There, you can afford to see a physcolagist. All you need to do is make an appointment with your GP. Based being obese, you are entitled to have a GPMP [General practitioners medical plan] set up. This entitles you to 6 visits to a medical proffessional of your or your GP’s choice. At the end of the 6 appointments, if you still need help, the GP will provide you with further referrals.

I have GPMP’s for a phsycologist, dietician and physiotherapist all to help me overcome my morbid obesity.

Look into it today!


Tracey said, October 14th, 2008 at 1:47 pm

I didn’t clarify that the 6 appointmens are billed at Medicare’s schedule fee. So bulk billed. No cost to you.

Linda J said, October 15th, 2008 at 7:05 pm

“My husband [.. ]is not the most patient of people”

Helloooooo? It might just serve HIS health interests to take a leaf outta your book: slow down, take time, enjoy the meal – not to mention the bloody company!

Ungrateful toad! Rach, do not speed up your eating or panic eat, or force food down. Take the time YOU NEED to savour the food and enjoy the experience. You need to reprogramme your relationship with food! that’s why you had major surgery.

Please use the band and what it offers and don’t let him force you into counter-intuitive behaviour. You’re worth it.

cat =^..^= said, October 19th, 2008 at 1:19 pm

gorgeous, you will get there!!! the counselling plans set up with your dr have been a true blessing to me. i see an amasing psychologist just across the highway from Ikea at springwood. i asked her how many appointments i was entitled to and she said 12 a year. between her and my dr i think i’ve got a couple of years of counselling to access yet. i don’t know if peta briner is able to use the plan as she is a social worker not a psychologist, but always worth asking her and getting a referral instead.

and like cranky said, you can afford it!!!! if i can, anyone can. just make it your priority. what else is covered under your health insurance???? girlfriend over the years i may have picked up some resistance to counselling from you and i think it is time. feel the fear and do it anyway. this is where how you truly feel about yourself regardless of weight will change.

i’m on 4 weeks holidays now, so i will be seeing you, count on it!!!!

love cat =^..^=

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