Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

Browsing in About Me

I don’t know what to do next…I’m contemplating giving up sugar. It is so addictive to me and I’m sure I feel more pain when I consume too much.

I also did 5 minutes on the recumbent bike tonight. Big deal right? I just feel like if I can commit to small regular steps in the right direction I might just get there. So I’d like to try to commit to 5 minutes on the bike every day and take it from there.  I really need to move and ideally I’d like to walk but it is so damn hot right now and my feet really hurt when I walk…so this is my starting point.

I’m struggling with my perfectionism right now. Really struggling. I start off thinking ok so I’ll just do 5 minutes a day on the bike and then I think of ALL the other things I’d like to fit into my day…various stretches from http://www.alignedandwell.com, paying bills that arrived that day, folding washing I did that day, eating well, playing with my daughter etc etc and I start to get very overwhelmed and think “why bother?” but I’m trying to push my way through this thinking. I had a massive almost meltdown the other day when I had friends coming around I hadn’t seen in 2 years and they hadn’t been to our house yet. Now I have  2 kids, one of them a toddler who likes to pick up toys and then throw them on the floor and get another one. It’s extremely hard, nay, impossible to keep a tidy home. But I usually make a huge effort if I have people coming over to have the house pretty much perfect…well as close to perfect as I can get it. All clutter gone, kitchen and floors clean etc etc. But this day I just had no chance. Firstly I had attempted to cook a cake to serve them which was an epic fail…it crumbled and fell apart as I tried to get it out of the cake tin. Secondly I had to cook a big batch meal for a cooking group I’m part of. Thirdly I had a toddler and baby to look after and fourthly my feet, legs and back were aching like hell. So I had to leave clutter and the worst part was that everyone wanted a tour of the house so although the main living rooms were almost acceptable to me (would’ve liked them a bit tidier), the bedrooms etc were a MESS and I swear I nearly had a breakdown about having to show them the house like that. I really had to talk myself out of being really panicked about it. So yeah…perfectionism sucks :(

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I don’t have to sit in silence and suffer when I go to a restaurant and squash myself into a chair and feel uncomfortable for the whole meal, willing the food to be served quicker, willing the bill to be brought quicker.

My husband and I went to a beautiful fine dining restaurant on the river in Brisbane on Friday night. The views were beautiful, the food was superb, but I spent the whole night wriggling around, trying to get comfortable in a seat that was just too small for me. To top it off I was feeling every one of the 10kg I have put on since I got back from the USA 4 months ago. 10 kilos in 4 months! I don’t know why I am suprised. I have been deliberately not weighing myself over the past month or two, but had to face the truth when I got weighed at Dr Layani’s office yesterday by his nurse Jan.
Anyway back to the chair…to make matters worse this extra 10kgs meant my clothes were now a lot tighter than they used to be, so not only was I squashed into an uncomfortable chair, but my clothes were also making me feel restricted, like a german sausage with too much pork mince packed into it’s skin, spilling up out of the top. I felt like I must look ridiculous and in the dark, looking out to the river, I kept catching glimpses of my reflection in the dark glass and it just made me feel even fatter and more uncomfortable. I felt sure everyone must be staring at me spilling out of the chair and looking at me in disgust. How frustrating that I spent a night that was supposed to be a celebration of our 3 year wedding anniversary was spent with me feeling uncomfortable, with a back and neck ache from sitting awkwardly and just feeling outright horrible. Blah.

You know normally I’d be all indignant and angry at the restaurant for providing small seats that didn’t cater for larger people, but who am I kidding? I didn’t see anyone else there uncomfortable in the seats.  I made the decision that as lovely as the restaurant was, that I’d never go back there as a fat person. That I would go back there as a thin (or thinner) person and no doubt only order 1 main meal and hopefully only be able to eat half of it. And what a pleasure that would be. I like thinking about that situation.

I just can’t wait to no longer be a slave to food. I can’t wait to feel normal. To eat to nourish my body, not out of emotional need or pure greediness.

For Zoe:

I’m finding this really hard to write right now, but I’m giving it a shot. Actually cut to a week later,  I only had 4 things….so with the help of my husband, here’s the 10:

  1. I’m intelligent
  2. I’m considerate
  3. I’m generous
  4. I’m empathetic
  5. Aware of my faults and strive to improve myself
  6. Infectious laugh
  7. Generally positive
  8. Supportive of others
  9. Friends from all walks of life, accepting of others
  10. Discerning eye for the finer things in life