Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

Browsing in Day to Day

Instead of the usual self hate that goes on in my head. After being away for so long, I have so much that I need to do. I keep giving myself a hard time about not doing enough, about not eating right, about not exercising.  I thought I’d try to praise myself each day instead for the things I did manage to get through and do right…

Today I ticked several things of my to do list.

  1. I issued invoices for last week
  2. I paid all opened bills
  3. I gathered all September receipts and documents for the accountant and put in an express post envelope to send
  4. I unpacked the dishwasher and packed it again and cleaned the kitchen
  5. I contacted the architect about our renovations
  6. I made an appointment at the beautician
  7. I chose a chicken pesto panini roll instead of the Oporto Bondi burger and chips I really wanted.
  8. I booked a car for our weekend in Nowra for my cousin’s wedding
  9. I met my wonderful banded buddy Jen for shoe shopping instead of sitting down at a cafe and choosing a naughty lunch!

I am trying not to focus on all the things I didn’t do and all the wrong choices I made…I think I did pretty well today.

What would I do without you all? It is so nice to know you are all out there, listening to me and offering advice to help me. Nola, I swear I really do need to make my next holiday to Tasmania. I could really do with a good laugh. I know your big day is coming up in a couple of days and I am so excited for you. I will be with you in spirit and will be thinking of you all day. You’re going to do so well. It’s actually a great idea for me to maybe try getting back to liquids and mushies for awhile…I think I’ll try it. I was wondering about having another fill, but my band is already so tight. I get a lot of restriction that I get through by eating really slow and chewing really well. I wonder how I’d go with more. But maybe that’s worth a try too.

Cranky, I agree with your comments totally. I just feel so guilty for always spending so much money on me and never really succeeding or it never really working. And by the way the holiday is the main reason I can’t afford regular counselling! haha. I will look into it though.

Cass…hope you had a great holiday…we’ll have to talk!

Tracey, thanks so much for your comments. I think I already did that GPMP last year.  I had to convince my GP I was depressed though (which I actually was). I was referred to a psychologist who I didn’t really think was right for me so I only did 4 of my sessions. I wonder if you can have more than 1 GPMP?

I am still feeling really down, so I really recognise the need to see someone. The problem is always who should I see? I have been doing some searching on the web to try and find some counsellors who specialise in food/weight issues. I guess I’ll keep searching until I find the right person.

As much as the thought of going back to work in 2 days fills me with dread, I am thinking it will probably do me some good. I seem to be able to snap out of my depression when I’ve got things to occupy my mind. Here’s hoping…

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On a positive note, although I still haven’t weighed myself, I do feel and I think I look like I’ve lost weight. Some of my clothes feel and look more comfortable and I saw my hairdresser on Saturday after only seeing her on Tuesday and she said “Look how skinny you’re getting, your face looks so much skinnier”. So that confirmed how I’ve been feeling which is nice.

My exercise last week included:

Monday:  30 minute Personal training session and 40 minute walk

Tuesday: 30 minutes cardio at gym

Wednesday: 30 minutes kickboxing

Thursday: 1 hour cardio at gym

Friday: 30 minute personal training session

I’m really happy with my exercise at the moment and feel so much better physically than I used to.

My food has been interesting. I’ve been trying to mainly stick to porridge for breakfast and soup for lunch. I’ve really been struggling with some foods such as chicken breast, hot chips, steak, sandwiches or burgers of any kind and after struggling one night for over an hour to eat a quarter of a chicken (breast), I decided I had to stop eating dry, hard kind of foods and switch to softer more mushy foods. I’m really tired of struggling to eat and I know I should be able to make some better choices if I’m sticking to softer foods. This was a good point for me to come to, as up till now I’ve been stubborn and have just struggled my way through these difficult foods. So I’ve declared no more hot chips which is a really big weakness for me, but they are just so hard to eat, that I cannot do it anymore!

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I’m not feeling so good today. I’m frustrated. So frustrated that I have been exercising so much and the weight is just notmoving. I have been depriving myself of real food at night and this weight just won’t shift. I feel really depressed and despondent about it. So much so that I skipped the gym this morning (after my gym buddy slept in) and then also skipped my afternoon walk. I then decided I had to eat tonight and had a can of 97% fat free lean beef and bean chilli con carne thing with a piece of toast. Doesn’t sound very nice, but actually it was. I just had too much of it. I ate the whole can, when 1/2 would’ve been plenty.

I know that my actions today are not going to help my weight loss cause but I just feel so depressed. I’m secretly hoping my depression and crankiness is caused by hormones which might indicate my period is coming which would mean I could have my frozen embryo transfer soon, but I think that’s just wishful thinking.

God give me the patience and strength to keep on doing what I’ve been doing as I know it has to work eventually. Doesn’t it? Sigh…

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And yet the payoff hasn’t even begun! I lost a measley 0.8kg last week! Not happy Jan. Not happy at all! I am continuing my hard work and in fact went to the gym this morning for 35 minutes and another walk this afternoon for 36 minutes. Tonight’s dinner is an Optifast. I have to start losing bigger amounts of weight doing this amount of exercise and swapping 4 dinners a week for Optifast.

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For 2 days in a row I exercised twice in one day. Twice! Today I went to Fitness First for 40 minutes in the morning before work and this afternoon I went to Fernwood for 50 minutes after work. Still surviving with Optifast for dinner, though tonight I did have to have a piece of toast as well as I was still hungry.

I had a call from Felicity from Dr Layani’s rooms who has been keeping up with my progress through this blog. Firstly how amazing is it that my surgeon’s practice Manager is interested enough in my success to read my blog? I am even more amazed by the fact that after reading about the recent events of my life, she rang to ask me to come and see 2 of the specialists at the surgery – Dr Read and Tess. I have already been to see Dr Read several times regarding nutritional, hormonal imbalances etc and I have found his advise and supplement suggestions life changing. Felicity suggested a follow-up with him and also a visit to Tess who is one of their new psychologists. Aside from working with the surgery and lapband patients, Felicity said Tess works with IVF and other Obstretic related issues. I’m booked in late August to see the two of these specialists. Felicity suggested they wanted to help support me be as healthy as possible for my next pregnancy. I was totally blown away at her offer of help and the fact that I didn’t have to ask for it. Thank you Felicity!

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I thought this would be the first year in 4 years that I wouldn’t apply for the Biggest Loser. However since the events of the last few weeks, I guess I am once again eligble. Strangely enough, it had not even occured to me to apply. I had thought about it a few times over the past few months, how I wouldn’t be able to and I was totally ok with that. So when a friend of mine asked if I’d apply with her (since this year it’s a couples show…not just relationship couples, but family, friends etc), I thought ‘why not?’ and it was genuinely the first time I’d thought about applying. I’m not sure how they’ll view me having a lapband, but I’ll give it a go. I warned my friend that I may be pregnant again by then, but she was totally ok with that. And so I guess I’m putting my hat in the ring once again, unless I happen to fall pregnant again. Applications have to be in by 11 August, so I better get started. As much as I’d still love to be part of the show, I don’t have my heart set on it as much as I did in previous years, so I won’t be as devastated if I’m not successful. I guess I have other things to look forward to now and also hope after my surgery that I can do it on my own.

I actually almost ran into Michelle, the trainer from TBL on Monday. She was walking around the corner, out of a coffee shop at the bottom of my building. I wondered if it was a sign! She was taller than I expected her to be and was whingeing about something to one of the guys she was with!

And now for some information which I am very proud of. I actually exercised twice today! I work with a very lovely girl who I discovered recently has also had the surgery by Dr Layani too. She found out about my surgery when she saw my photo in the Christmas newsletter which had photos of Dr Layani’s Christmas party! Weird! Anyway she asked me if I’d be interested in going to the gym with her just around the corner from work in the mornings. I hesitated as I am already a member of a gym near home and go sometimes with my best friend Shelly. These days we only really go once or twice a week, but I enjoy those times with her and I do like the gym. However since I am going overseas in 6 weeks and my contract basically ends then at this job, I thought I’d enquire about short term membership so that I could increase the exercise I’m doing before I go away. Aside from wanting to lose the extra weight I put on during IVF, I’m also terrified about all the stairs in the Greek Islands! The best deal they could give me short term was a month’s membership (and not that good a deal I must say…thanks Fitness First!!). I paid way too much for it, but I figured to be able to get in an extra 3 or more sessions in the morning would be a real benefit. So today I went for a 30 minute workout only (still trying to get my timing right so I don’t miss out on too much work) and then after work went for a 45 minute walk with my husband! Yay me!

Tomorrow I am meeting my friend from work at the gym at 7am and hopefully doing 45 minutes at least and then meeting Shelly at the gym near home after work for another hour workout. I’m feeling very proud of me. I just need to keep this up for the next month and I should see huge results!

Food wise today has been a small quantity but admittedly not very nutritious. I’ll get there eventually:

Breakfast; 1 piece vegemite toast, 1 skim flat white

Snack: 1 skim flat white

Lunch: 1/2 can lentil and vegetable soup

Snack: Porridge

Dinner: Optifast

I had a much needed adjustment yesterday and am feeling much better about my food quantities again. I have walked for 40 minutes for the past 2 days and spent an hour at the gym today. So even though it is early days I’m feeling much better about my prospects for getting some of this weight back off and getting back onto my weight loss journey.

Dr Duncombe was really great yesterday and after I told her all that I’d been through since March actually said she thought I’d done very well to have only put on 6kg since I saw her last.

It surprises me that I can share the events of the past few weeks with people who haven’t heard them yet and not get upset. I told her all that happened and not once felt like I would cry. I have kept up such a cheery disposition at work as well. Sometimes after appearing so happy and smiling all the time, it all just hits me and I get really down. This happened after seeing Dr Duncombe yesterday. I think also the fact that I see her at the Wesley Hospital which is where I had my ultrasounds and amnio and found out the baby’s heart had stopped probably didn’t help.

Today’s food:

Breakfast: Bowl of porridge with skim milk, skim flat white

Snack: 1 salada cracker and 1 slice of low fat cheese

Lunch: 1/2 serve of Lamb Korma and rice

Snack: skim flat white

Dinner: Lapband plate size of pasta with chicken and sun dried tomato sauce and vegetables

Exercise:

1 hour cardio at gym

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It doesn’t seem quite right, but the world continues to spin despite our recent tragedy. Each day has gotten  easier, though the pain hasn’t lessened. Today was my first day back at work and I was surprisingly very strong. Aside from a few escaped tears very early this morning when I was in the office alone, I was very brave. Everyone on my floor already knew what had happened. I mostly had sympathetic looks from people and a few “are you ok’s”. It’s funny how different people react to other people’s tragedies. Some people seem to just pretend that nothing has happened. Which is sometimes good but sometimes bad. I’m a talker and I like to talk about things that are going on in my life, even if they make me cry. But I totally understand people’s discomfort in situations like this.

I had to tell one work colleague from another floor who didn’t know and again I stayed strong and shed no tears. I was very surprised.

We are planning a 3 or 4 week trip to Europe to treat ourselves in the next few months. I’m not sure when yet, we’ve got to get leave approved from our jobs. So in preparation for that I NEED to get this weight off that I gained. I’d like to lose at least 10kg.

So tomorrow I’m off for another adjustment. I went for a walk tonight. Only 40 minutes, but my legs and back are currently complaining, so I think it was enough to start! I hope to either go to the gym or for another walk tomorrow.

I have no excuses now and really want to be back in all my pre IVF clothes before we go away.

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I have gone back to my lapband plate from my old dietician and feeling SO much better for it. Lately during my dinners I have been using normal plates and serving myself way too much and eating way past the point of comfort. I finally got that it was becoming a problem and switched to the smaller plate and it has made a huge, huge difference.

So feeling much better quantity wise. Still need to make some better food choices, but so happy to have the quantity under control again and not ending up after dinner feeling uncomfortable and sick.

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