Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

Browsing in Day to Day

So still feeling really lost. Have put on all the weight I lost before christmas. Hate all my clothes on me. Don’t know what to eat or what ‘plan’ to follow. Decided to stop focusing on weight and trying to focus on health again and set up a daily ‘to do’ list of things that are going to make my body feel good and also me feel good about myself. So far I have:

  1. Eat at least 1 meal with green leafy veg (probably a green smoothie every morning)
  2. Go for a walk (weather permitting) even if I only start with 5 minutes
  3. Take all my supplements (motillium, sam-e, 5-htp, pre-natal vitamins, zinc, magnesium-calcium, fish oil)
  4. Protein shake daily (trying rice protein at the moment on the advice of my holistic GP)
  5. Home made soup, dahl or salads for lunch wherever possible
  6. Fold and put away washing
  7. C time (time allocated to playing with my daughter)

I’m also going to try and limit sugar and try to use coffee as my ‘treat’ rather than chocolate or other sweets. I’m trying to implement my house as a nurturing, nutritious zone so I don’t keep or bring sugar or ‘treats’ into the house. These ‘treats’ if needed can be consumed outside the house on a very irregular basis for special occasions etc.

My chiropractor wants me to start using water and milk kefir to try to get rid of the yeast in my body. My GP says she doesn’t think it will get rid of the yeast that I need to try to alkalise my body (hence the green leafy veg and the Grainfields lemon & ginger drink she’s given me – see here: http://www.agmfoods.com/contents/en-us/d17.html). It’s so hard when everyone gives you different advice.

Basically the outcome my GP wants for me is to alkalise my body as currently it is too acidic and causing pain and hormonal imbalances.  I very nearly cancelled my appointment with my GP today as I just didn’t feel I was getting anywhere and she is really expensive but really glad I went as chatting to her always leaves me more motivated and determined to get my body healthy rather than worrying about weight.  I also agreed to another 6 months of chiro. I really hope it is worth it.

Just adding to yesterday’s post about perfectionism…It annoys me that I feel I need to portray the image of perfection to other people…especially one of my best friends who’s known me for 35 years! I guess I feel I need to show people I’ve got it together at least in some aspect in my life…as in “Oh she’s fat but she has a beautiful house!”…craziness..

I broke down on the chiropractor’s table today. They’ve been trying to talk to me about nutrition for awhile now and I just admitted I am lost.  She asked me to keep a food diary for her and that it wouldn’t be a judgemental exercise and that she’ll just be asking me to add things to it rather than take away…I have been resisting keeping it because my diet is SO full of sugar right now. She was telling me not to give up on myself and they are there to support me in every way they can etc. I’m going down to weekly visits and we’re going to talk about what sort of foods I can eat to get rid of some of the inflammation in my body right now…everything hurts pretty much all the time. It hurts to stand up from sitting. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit here right now on the office chair. I’m only 37…well 38 later this month…I really shouldn’t be feeling this way. Over. IT.

I cancelled my weight watchers online subscription.

I was contacted by someone from 60 minutes last week . She had found my blog and wanted to know if I’d like to be part of a story about how hard it is to maintain weight loss. I was kind of excited at first. 15 minute of fame and all that. Not just that..I think I had some fantasy in my head that maybe someone would see me and want to help me. I have no idea who that person would be but I guess I’m still looking for the magic pill, surgery or person who has the answer for me when I really need to buckle down and do it myself. Anyway I initially said yes but mentioned it to some trusted friends and they cautioned me to be careful and asked me if I really wanted to define myself to all of Australia and to myself as someone who can’t lose weight…and they also warned me not to let myself be portrayed as a victim…so I thought about it some more and decided not to do it. The producer called me early this week and I told him I changed my mind. I think I’m doing the right thing but there is still some part of me that wants to do it…fame whore much?

I don’t know what to do next…I’m contemplating giving up sugar. It is so addictive to me and I’m sure I feel more pain when I consume too much.

I also did 5 minutes on the recumbent bike tonight. Big deal right? I just feel like if I can commit to small regular steps in the right direction I might just get there. So I’d like to try to commit to 5 minutes on the bike every day and take it from there.  I really need to move and ideally I’d like to walk but it is so damn hot right now and my feet really hurt when I walk…so this is my starting point.

I’m struggling with my perfectionism right now. Really struggling. I start off thinking ok so I’ll just do 5 minutes a day on the bike and then I think of ALL the other things I’d like to fit into my day…various stretches from http://www.alignedandwell.com, paying bills that arrived that day, folding washing I did that day, eating well, playing with my daughter etc etc and I start to get very overwhelmed and think “why bother?” but I’m trying to push my way through this thinking. I had a massive almost meltdown the other day when I had friends coming around I hadn’t seen in 2 years and they hadn’t been to our house yet. Now I have  2 kids, one of them a toddler who likes to pick up toys and then throw them on the floor and get another one. It’s extremely hard, nay, impossible to keep a tidy home. But I usually make a huge effort if I have people coming over to have the house pretty much perfect…well as close to perfect as I can get it. All clutter gone, kitchen and floors clean etc etc. But this day I just had no chance. Firstly I had attempted to cook a cake to serve them which was an epic fail…it crumbled and fell apart as I tried to get it out of the cake tin. Secondly I had to cook a big batch meal for a cooking group I’m part of. Thirdly I had a toddler and baby to look after and fourthly my feet, legs and back were aching like hell. So I had to leave clutter and the worst part was that everyone wanted a tour of the house so although the main living rooms were almost acceptable to me (would’ve liked them a bit tidier), the bedrooms etc were a MESS and I swear I nearly had a breakdown about having to show them the house like that. I really had to talk myself out of being really panicked about it. So yeah…perfectionism sucks :(

Have had a crappy day…I’m aching all over and extremely tired. I had no idea how I was going to get through tonight…bathing my daughter, getting her to sleep, cleaning kitchen and preparing milk for my son for tomorrow. Every single muscle in my body aches. And what have I done? Nothing really…did 2 loads of laundry, fed and clothed 2 kids, multiple nappy changes, visit to the supermarket, cooked a meal for 8 families, cooked a cake (which fell apart and was a disaster), cleaned the toilet and did a small amount of tidying. My poor body and particularly my feet are not happy at this weight. They ache so much.

I ate a crap load of sugar today too and I’m sure this doesn’t help the achiness. I started off well with my green smoothie (apple, carrot, celery and baby spinach) but spiralled out of control after this…I snacked on coke, the crappy crumbled cake and the cookies I bought for my guests to replace the crappy cake (who only ate 2…I bought 18 because I thought there was going to be 11 of them plus us).

I’m so tired of feeling this way of being confused about what to eat of not feeling like I can eat healthily forever of feeling like it’s too hard to eat healthily. I’ve been going to see a chiropractor for many months now (I was pregnant with baby D) and they tell me that my neck/back are in such a bad way and that part of my neck is affecting my thyroid and that is the reason for my weight issues and bad choices in food. But I’ve been going twice, sometimes 3 times a week for in excess of 6 months now and I’m not sure I’m feeling much physical improvement…sure I’m no where near as in pain as when I was pregnant, but then maybe that just went away because I’m not pregnant any more. I also find the chiropractor really hurts me when they are pushing into my lower back and hips…and while it doesn’t last long, it makes the whole experience very unpleasant and I’m getting really tired of going twice a week at the moment and not feeling much reward for it…but how can I give up when they tell me that they are helping my thyroid and therefore eventually my weight loss? I’m so tired of people claiming they know what my issues are and then finding their solutions don’t really work. I totally trust this chiropractor but I’m just not feeling any improvement pain wise or weight wise. I’m just about to finish my 3 month program I signed up for so guess I’ll discuss how I’m feeling with her then. It’s a real struggle getting there twice a week before 9.30am with 2 kids too (their last appointment is at 9.30am in the morning unless I want to go afternoons which I don’t).

I’ve also been seeing a great GP who says my problems are all related to nutrition and all the supplements she’s given me should help. I’m also supposed to do a bit of a detox and I did follow it mostly for awhile but hit the same issue I also do in maintaining it.

I’m just so lost. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to eat. I sent an email to my surgeon’s office over the weekend pleading for help, for advice, asking if they have any patients in my situation who have turned it all around and succeeded. I think I’m going to try and fit in an adjustment in the next few weeks to see if that helps. Sigh…

I can’t believe it’s been 2 years since I last posted…wow…time flies. So much news to share.

My daughter is now 2.5 years old. I went through another round of IVF (egg collection and embryo implantation) and fell pregnant. My son D, was born on 5th September 2011 at 5.30 in the morning in the water at home.

I have had my band loosened and tightened many times over the past 2 years but I am currently back at my pre-surgery weight. In fact as of today I am 2kg heavier than my pre-surgery weight. I am struggling. I am sad. I am disappointed…in the band…but mostly myself.

I have friends that have had the gastric sleeve and are doing amazingly well and I have almost let myself consider the possibility but I just don’t think it’s an option for me. Finally nearly 5 years after being banded I have come to the conclusion that I regret getting the band. It cost me a lot of money and I know have this device inside of me which I feel is not really helping me.

I’m wondering if there is anyone out there that has been in my situation and has been able to turn it around and succeed with the band? I am going to go and get adjusted again but I’m just not convinced it is going to work.

Right now I feel restriction in the first few mouthfuls of food but once they go down I am eating fairly normal serves of food. Do I need to be at the point where I am living off liquids to lose weight? I just don’t know.

I have been doing weight watchers and detoxing but I’m just so tired of ‘dieting’ and so far I have been unable to make permanent changes in my lifestyle to do this. I really need help and I just don’t know where to turn or what to do.

I’m so lost. I saw a great tip tonight about writing about my emotions instead of eating through them…so here I am. Updating a blog is really hard as a Mum of 2. I have very little time to myself. Right now I have a pile of unopened and unpaid bills dating from weeks ago, I have an unclean kitchen and unfolded laundry…but I am choosing to come here and write while my children sleep but it’s not always easy to make the decision given how behind I am on everything. I’m going to try.

Finally…I had a fill a couple of weeks ago. Nearly 4 weeks ago actually. She put in another 1ml giving me about 10ml total. I was surprised as I thought they only took 10ml but she said she has a girl with 14ml in hers. Interesting. Anyway I noticed the effect immediately. Eating is hard work. My portion sizes shrank immediately and I take a long, long time to eat now. I lost 1kg the first week without even trying. Yay! I got a bit excited and hoped that the 1kg a week loss would continue. Why do I always think that it’s going to work without me making an effort? The following week I put on the 1kg I lost and last week I stayed the same. The thing is that if there is a loophole I will find it! If I’m at home and have lots of time then although initially I can’t eat as much I can eventually finish the plate over a matter of hours. For instance I was still serving myself my usual serve of breakfast – not as much as it would’ve once been but more than I should be eating with a lapband in! I’d eat an initial amount – put the plate on the bench and come back over the following hours and finish it bit by bit.  Admittedly before the fill I would’ve eaten that breakfast and probably snacked on extra things but still…why do I cheat myself like that?

So this week I got strict again and have been using my lapband plate to serve my food so I don’t have the opportunity to come back and ‘finish’ leftover food. That’s beenworking well. Will be interesting to see whether that’s made a difference weight wise. I even managed to fit in one Jillian Michaels workout dvd.

However I have a new tactic…I can’t believe I’m about to write this…I got sucked in by the Bodytrim ads on foxtel! Can you believe 2 years and thousands of dollars later I’m buying diet products again? Sigh…anyway I’ve watched 2 of the dvds and read some literature and I’m actually quite impressed. It’s actually not a diet and sounds like a really reasonable way to eat for the rest of my life…It is low carb (not no carb but low) and I’ve never really been sure about this approach before but this guy really makes sense.  He says that if your diet is high in carbs that the carbs are the first thing your body will burn and it will never get to burn the fat stores if there’s lots of carb stores there. Which kind of explains why I keep putting on so much weight. My diet has always been really high in carbs. He also believes that food is 70% of the success of weight loss and just plain old walking is 20% and strenuous exercise is 10%. I like this concept. It explains why the weeks I’ve killed myself exercising 6 or 7 times a week at high intensity that I don’t lose weight! I like the fact that despite the fact he owns one of the most successful personal training companies in Australia he is not advocating strenuous exercise for weight loss. He just wants you to walk 10,000 steps and follow the food plan. Of course walking 10,000 steps is still a challenge for me but I hope to work my way up to it.

It’s funny because I really fight the structure of a ‘diet’ usually. I hate being told what to eat. But clearly just eating what I want isn’t working and I’ve been really feeling the need for some structure. On the bodytrim weight loss plan (there’s also a weight maintenance plan) you basically eat 6 small meals a day of which 3 are protein snacks.  The rest of the meals are primarly protein and veg however for breakfast you can have one serve of  starchy carb or fruit. You also have one protein only day a week and one ‘free’ day a week where you can eat what you want but they recommend you still eat your protein snacks. It seems like a good balance to me.  From what I’ve researched people seem to be having a lot of success with it.

I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and I used to be quite anti protein diets but for some reason this one appeals. Maybe I’m desperate!

Anyway it kind of fits in with what I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile. Now that Carys is on solids I’ve been wanting to change the way we eat. I’m following the Baby Led Weaning method which means no purees, mushy baby food etc. The principle is she should be able to eat appropriate food off our plates.  And of course anything with added salt or preservatives is not recommended. We eat lots of canned and packet sauces etc. So I can’t feed her what we’re eating! I’ve been steaming veg etc for her separately which is not ideal.  So I’ve been slowly going through all the sauces we have in the cupboard and have been planning to get back to more ‘real’ foods and this is a great opportunity.

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I’m slack I know. I have truthfully been really busy. We are car shopping at the moment and organising all sorts of home improvements AND I’ve been getting overwhelmed by my ever increasing to-do list because with everything that’s going on and being really tired from this pregnancy and having all sorts of aches and pains, all I want to do in any spare time is sit in front of the tv or sleep! But just this past week I downloaded a new application for my iphone (oh how I love thee iphone) to manage my to-do list and low and behold I am slowly getting things done. I’ve now realised that beating myself up for not completing my to-do list in a night or even a week is just stupid. There is just too much to do, so as long as I can cross off one or 2 things off my list every night I’m happy.

Right now it is 10.12pm and since I’m getting up at 5.30am, I really should’ve been in bed at 9.30pm, but here I am writing to you my dear friends because you made me feel guilty! I shall blame you all when I am walking around bleary eyed tomorrow at work! I’ve been busy tonight catching up on last night’s Biggest Loser, ahhh yes I still love that show! I then completed my goal of opening all mail for the day and paying any bills and I actioned several items off my to-do list. I also had to get in some practice and music theory for a vocal ensemble group I’ve joined. I’m WAY behind on that. Have been going for 3 weeks now and in my group are mostly 16-17 year olds who have all done music their whole schooling life and can read music beautifully. Teacher says sing a ‘c’ and they sing a ‘c’. I still cannot comprehend that. I can’t even recognise a C on a sheet of music let alone recognise it when I hear it or know how to sing it! Anyway it has been stressing me out that I am so far behind them all and never seem to remember how to sing any of the songs we practice every week, so really wanted to put in some time towards that tonight.  And I was quite proud of myself that when I couldn’t remember how to sing one of the songs, I worked out what notes were on the music, worked out what keys on a piano the notes were and played the melody till I recognised it and could sing it in the right key. Yay me! Still a long, long way to go though. I’m enjoying the challenge though…kinda…

OK….so on to the 14 week scan update…new post for that I think.

Thanks for everyone’s comments. You know Nola it’s funny, because only this morning I was thinking that maybe I should stop worrying about what the accupuncturist says and what the doctor’s going to say and ask myself how I feel. I actually feel like I don’t need any more out of the band right now. I really do feel like I’m eating enough. In fact all I seem to do is eat all day, so I hate to think how I’d be without restriction! So I’ve decided to keep the band as it is for now.

I’m actually thinking of cancelling my accupuncturist appointment next week. I’m just not enjoying it (not sure if I’m supposed to). It is making me feel anxious before I go and the guilty when I get there and report I’m not doing things right oh and it hurts!  I’m a bit scared to stop going as I worry then if something happens and things go wrong that I’ll blame myself for not continuing with the accupuncture but in my heart of hearts I know I really don’t want to go anymore!

The nausea is extremely bad tonight. I keep burping up the taste of the fish oil tablet I took before dinner which is really not helping. Sorry if too much information!  The food thing is really weird and driving me crazy. I just do not feel like eating anything and yet I want to eat to try and help the nausea so I have this strange compulsion to eat while my body rejects every food I think about eating. Tonight was a bad night for it – I really couldn’t think of anything that didn’t make me feel sick. When I get like this I have to just think of something and make myself eat it. So I decided on fillet steak and mashed veg. So after I made it I pretty much forced every bite down. I really did not enjoy it, which is unusual for me. But I wanted the protein/iron from the steak and the goodness from the veg so I persisted. when I got the last 5 bites or so I couldn’t continue. I actually had to spit out a moutful and throw the rest out. Not because I was full but because I couldn’t stand the taste. Yet 2 days ago those veg were the best thing I could eat! And I’ve been eating steak ok till now too. Right now I never want to eat another steak or mashed veg ever again!  I may have to live off vegemite toast for the rest of this pregnancy. It’s about the only consistent thing I can eat.  Last night was the same. I had the taste for spaghetti bolognaise. I know now that if I actually do feel like eating something I should jump on it. So my husband made it for us and I ate a really big bowl and honestly could’ve eaten the whole pot of it last night. I kept thinking how I could maybe eat this for the rest of my pregnancy but today I had it for lunch and had to force it down and now the thought of it makes me sick. It’s bizarre.

Unfortunately I weighed myself this morning and I had put on another 0.3kg. But Nola is right and I not going to keep weighing myself every morning. It’s ridiculous. I’m scared I’ll get out of control if I don’t keep an eye on my weight, but hey it’s not exactly like I have control right now anyway.

Linda’s advice about just trying to concentrate on nutrition is good advice. Sometimes hard with the morning sickness, but I have been a lot better this week. I went grocery shopping tonight and had promised myself I wouldn’t buy anything sweet which I stuck to. It’s ridiculous really as the thought of anything sweet really does make me sick, but I have been persisting with eating it after dinner as I know that once it hits my mouth it will taste good and won’t actually make me feel sick…it’s just the thought of it. So I’ve suitably realised how ridiculous it is not to take advantage of this situation where I honestly don’t feel like sweet things and have made a pact to avoid them as much as possible. I missed something sweet after dinner tonight but I got over it quickly because thinking about eating it made me feel sick. I really am a strange one.

Ri – re the travel ginger – I will go check them out at the chemist. I am taking anti-nausea tablets which my accupuncturist gave me. I didn’t think they were working till I stopped them and it got a lot worse, so I think they do help a bit but not entirely. Maybe I’ll try the ginger too. I’ve hear that before, and have tried ginger tea but no help there!

Cat – awesome advice too. There’s not a lot out there on the internet about pregnancy and lapbands, but from what I’ve read people don’t seem to get that much taken out of their bands, so I’m going to trust myself and stick with what I have right now.

So I’m feeling a little better today.  Only a little. Woke up feeling pretty crappy and in a very cranky mood. Not helped by stepping on the scales and finding I’d put on another 1kg since yesterday. It really makes no sense to me. I know I’m not eating well but I’m not eating like I used to pre-band – no where near it and yet I never put weight on at this rate.  And I know I’m pregnant…but only 10.5 weeks! I have heard of women putting on weight this early and noticing changes in their stomach, but this just doesn’t seem normal.

I actually managed to go for a 20 minute walk when I got home this afternoon which I am very proud of myself for. I wasn’t feeling great, and I’m really tired, but I decided to try anyway. Unfortunately it only highlighted the weight I’ve put on in my stomach. Everything felt the same but my stomach felt so heavy and I could feel the extra weight moving around as I walked. It is bizarre. I’m not sure anyone can understand what it feels like right now.

I’ve really been concentrating on increasing my vegetable intake and have been making sure I eat vegetables every night and try to add some at lunch. Yesterday was a chicken, salad and cheese toasted sandwich with lots of salad.  Today I had a fresh apple and carrot juice. Not great as I’m supposed to be avoiding fruit (sugar) but then I’m supposed to be avoiding bread too and that’s just not happening. That juice is the only drink I’ve really felt like and enjoyed for quite awhile now and I figure the carrots would’ve done me good! I even had vegetables as a snack this afternoon – my favourite way – all mashed but still nutritious. I love a good bowl of mashed veg!

The nausea has been bearable today. I haven’t felt great all day, but I’ve not experienced a big surge of nausea yet today which I usually get at least 2 or 3 times a day. I don’t expect the morning sickness is disappearing just yet, I fully expect it to resurge with a vengeance tomorrow, but I know it will go soon. Still very, very tired though.

I’ve been reading Jon Gabriel’s “The Gabriel method” and have been trying to listen to his cd at night while I fall asleep. It really is a great book and I’m trying to work on some of the things he recommends (like the visualisation etc) as I really do think there’s more to my problem than a pure calorie in/calorie out problem. I highly recommend anyone who has struggled with their weight for a long time to read his book.

I decided to go back to basics and brought out the plan the dietician gave me many, many months ago. I had a much improved day. I didn’t get it 100% right, but did better than I have been doing.

The plan is:

Breakfast: 1-2 serves of carbohydrates, 1 serve of dairy

Snack: 1-2 serves of carbs

Lunch: 1-2 serves of carbs, 2 serves of protein, vegetables

Snack: 1 serve of fruit, 1 serve of dairy

Dinner:  2-3 serves of protein, vegetables

Snack: 1 serve of dairy, 1 serve of fruit

So tomorrow I’m trying this:

Breakfast: Porridge and skim milk
Snack: 1 piece of toast
Lunch: Chicken and salad sandwich (wholegrain bread)
Snack: Fruit and skim cappuccino
Dinner: Steak and steamed veg
Snack: Fruit and low fat ice-cream

I’m going to try and get my eating in order this week and hopefully begin some exercise next week.

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