Finally…I had a fill a couple of weeks ago. Nearly 4 weeks ago actually. She put in another 1ml giving me about 10ml total. I was surprised as I thought they only took 10ml but she said she has a girl with 14ml in hers. Interesting. Anyway I noticed the effect immediately. Eating is hard work. My portion sizes shrank immediately and I take a long, long time to eat now. I lost 1kg the first week without even trying. Yay! I got a bit excited and hoped that the 1kg a week loss would continue. Why do I always think that it’s going to work without me making an effort? The following week I put on the 1kg I lost and last week I stayed the same. The thing is that if there is a loophole I will find it! If I’m at home and have lots of time then although initially I can’t eat as much I can eventually finish the plate over a matter of hours. For instance I was still serving myself my usual serve of breakfast - not as much as it would’ve once been but more than I should be eating with a lapband in! I’d eat an initial amount - put the plate on the bench and come back over the following hours and finish it bit by bit.  Admittedly before the fill I would’ve eaten that breakfast and probably snacked on extra things but still…why do I cheat myself like that?

So this week I got strict again and have been using my lapband plate to serve my food so I don’t have the opportunity to come back and ‘finish’ leftover food. That’s beenworking well. Will be interesting to see whether that’s made a difference weight wise. I even managed to fit in one Jillian Michaels workout dvd.

However I have a new tactic…I can’t believe I’m about to write this…I got sucked in by the Bodytrim ads on foxtel! Can you believe 2 years and thousands of dollars later I’m buying diet products again? Sigh…anyway I’ve watched 2 of the dvds and read some literature and I’m actually quite impressed. It’s actually not a diet and sounds like a really reasonable way to eat for the rest of my life…It is low carb (not no carb but low) and I’ve never really been sure about this approach before but this guy really makes sense.  He says that if your diet is high in carbs that the carbs are the first thing your body will burn and it will never get to burn the fat stores if there’s lots of carb stores there. Which kind of explains why I keep putting on so much weight. My diet has always been really high in carbs. He also believes that food is 70% of the success of weight loss and just plain old walking is 20% and strenuous exercise is 10%. I like this concept. It explains why the weeks I’ve killed myself exercising 6 or 7 times a week at high intensity that I don’t lose weight! I like the fact that despite the fact he owns one of the most successful personal training companies in Australia he is not advocating strenuous exercise for weight loss. He just wants you to walk 10,000 steps and follow the food plan. Of course walking 10,000 steps is still a challenge for me but I hope to work my way up to it.

It’s funny because I really fight the structure of a ‘diet’ usually. I hate being told what to eat. But clearly just eating what I want isn’t working and I’ve been really feeling the need for some structure. On the bodytrim weight loss plan (there’s also a weight maintenance plan) you basically eat 6 small meals a day of which 3 are protein snacks.  The rest of the meals are primarly protein and veg however for breakfast you can have one serve of  starchy carb or fruit. You also have one protein only day a week and one ‘free’ day a week where you can eat what you want but they recommend you still eat your protein snacks. It seems like a good balance to me.  From what I’ve researched people seem to be having a lot of success with it.

I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and I used to be quite anti protein diets but for some reason this one appeals. Maybe I’m desperate!

Anyway it kind of fits in with what I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile. Now that Carys is on solids I’ve been wanting to change the way we eat. I’m following the Baby Led Weaning method which means no purees, mushy baby food etc. The principle is she should be able to eat appropriate food off our plates.  And of course anything with added salt or preservatives is not recommended. We eat lots of canned and packet sauces etc. So I can’t feed her what we’re eating! I’ve been steaming veg etc for her separately which is not ideal.  So I’ve been slowly going through all the sauces we have in the cupboard and have been planning to get back to more ‘real’ foods and this is a great opportunity.

I’m slack I know. I have truthfully been really busy. We are car shopping at the moment and organising all sorts of home improvements AND I’ve been getting overwhelmed by my ever increasing to-do list because with everything that’s going on and being really tired from this pregnancy and having all sorts of aches and pains, all I want to do in any spare time is sit in front of the tv or sleep! But just this past week I downloaded a new application for my iphone (oh how I love thee iphone) to manage my to-do list and low and behold I am slowly getting things done. I’ve now realised that beating myself up for not completing my to-do list in a night or even a week is just stupid. There is just too much to do, so as long as I can cross off one or 2 things off my list every night I’m happy.

Right now it is 10.12pm and since I’m getting up at 5.30am, I really should’ve been in bed at 9.30pm, but here I am writing to you my dear friends because you made me feel guilty! I shall blame you all when I am walking around bleary eyed tomorrow at work! I’ve been busy tonight catching up on last night’s Biggest Loser, ahhh yes I still love that show! I then completed my goal of opening all mail for the day and paying any bills and I actioned several items off my to-do list. I also had to get in some practice and music theory for a vocal ensemble group I’ve joined. I’m WAY behind on that. Have been going for 3 weeks now and in my group are mostly 16-17 year olds who have all done music their whole schooling life and can read music beautifully. Teacher says sing a ‘c’ and they sing a ‘c’. I still cannot comprehend that. I can’t even recognise a C on a sheet of music let alone recognise it when I hear it or know how to sing it! Anyway it has been stressing me out that I am so far behind them all and never seem to remember how to sing any of the songs we practice every week, so really wanted to put in some time towards that tonight.  And I was quite proud of myself that when I couldn’t remember how to sing one of the songs, I worked out what notes were on the music, worked out what keys on a piano the notes were and played the melody till I recognised it and could sing it in the right key. Yay me! Still a long, long way to go though. I’m enjoying the challenge though…kinda…

OK….so on to the 14 week scan update…new post for that I think.

Thanks for everyone’s comments. You know Nola it’s funny, because only this morning I was thinking that maybe I should stop worrying about what the accupuncturist says and what the doctor’s going to say and ask myself how I feel. I actually feel like I don’t need any more out of the band right now. I really do feel like I’m eating enough. In fact all I seem to do is eat all day, so I hate to think how I’d be without restriction! So I’ve decided to keep the band as it is for now.

I’m actually thinking of cancelling my accupuncturist appointment next week. I’m just not enjoying it (not sure if I’m supposed to). It is making me feel anxious before I go and the guilty when I get there and report I’m not doing things right oh and it hurts!  I’m a bit scared to stop going as I worry then if something happens and things go wrong that I’ll blame myself for not continuing with the accupuncture but in my heart of hearts I know I really don’t want to go anymore!

The nausea is extremely bad tonight. I keep burping up the taste of the fish oil tablet I took before dinner which is really not helping. Sorry if too much information!  The food thing is really weird and driving me crazy. I just do not feel like eating anything and yet I want to eat to try and help the nausea so I have this strange compulsion to eat while my body rejects every food I think about eating. Tonight was a bad night for it - I really couldn’t think of anything that didn’t make me feel sick. When I get like this I have to just think of something and make myself eat it. So I decided on fillet steak and mashed veg. So after I made it I pretty much forced every bite down. I really did not enjoy it, which is unusual for me. But I wanted the protein/iron from the steak and the goodness from the veg so I persisted. when I got the last 5 bites or so I couldn’t continue. I actually had to spit out a moutful and throw the rest out. Not because I was full but because I couldn’t stand the taste. Yet 2 days ago those veg were the best thing I could eat! And I’ve been eating steak ok till now too. Right now I never want to eat another steak or mashed veg ever again!  I may have to live off vegemite toast for the rest of this pregnancy. It’s about the only consistent thing I can eat.  Last night was the same. I had the taste for spaghetti bolognaise. I know now that if I actually do feel like eating something I should jump on it. So my husband made it for us and I ate a really big bowl and honestly could’ve eaten the whole pot of it last night. I kept thinking how I could maybe eat this for the rest of my pregnancy but today I had it for lunch and had to force it down and now the thought of it makes me sick. It’s bizarre.

Unfortunately I weighed myself this morning and I had put on another 0.3kg. But Nola is right and I not going to keep weighing myself every morning. It’s ridiculous. I’m scared I’ll get out of control if I don’t keep an eye on my weight, but hey it’s not exactly like I have control right now anyway.

Linda’s advice about just trying to concentrate on nutrition is good advice. Sometimes hard with the morning sickness, but I have been a lot better this week. I went grocery shopping tonight and had promised myself I wouldn’t buy anything sweet which I stuck to. It’s ridiculous really as the thought of anything sweet really does make me sick, but I have been persisting with eating it after dinner as I know that once it hits my mouth it will taste good and won’t actually make me feel sick…it’s just the thought of it. So I’ve suitably realised how ridiculous it is not to take advantage of this situation where I honestly don’t feel like sweet things and have made a pact to avoid them as much as possible. I missed something sweet after dinner tonight but I got over it quickly because thinking about eating it made me feel sick. I really am a strange one.

Ri - re the travel ginger - I will go check them out at the chemist. I am taking anti-nausea tablets which my accupuncturist gave me. I didn’t think they were working till I stopped them and it got a lot worse, so I think they do help a bit but not entirely. Maybe I’ll try the ginger too. I’ve hear that before, and have tried ginger tea but no help there!

Cat - awesome advice too. There’s not a lot out there on the internet about pregnancy and lapbands, but from what I’ve read people don’t seem to get that much taken out of their bands, so I’m going to trust myself and stick with what I have right now.

So I’m feeling a little better today.  Only a little. Woke up feeling pretty crappy and in a very cranky mood. Not helped by stepping on the scales and finding I’d put on another 1kg since yesterday. It really makes no sense to me. I know I’m not eating well but I’m not eating like I used to pre-band - no where near it and yet I never put weight on at this rate.  And I know I’m pregnant…but only 10.5 weeks! I have heard of women putting on weight this early and noticing changes in their stomach, but this just doesn’t seem normal.

I actually managed to go for a 20 minute walk when I got home this afternoon which I am very proud of myself for. I wasn’t feeling great, and I’m really tired, but I decided to try anyway. Unfortunately it only highlighted the weight I’ve put on in my stomach. Everything felt the same but my stomach felt so heavy and I could feel the extra weight moving around as I walked. It is bizarre. I’m not sure anyone can understand what it feels like right now.

I’ve really been concentrating on increasing my vegetable intake and have been making sure I eat vegetables every night and try to add some at lunch. Yesterday was a chicken, salad and cheese toasted sandwich with lots of salad.  Today I had a fresh apple and carrot juice. Not great as I’m supposed to be avoiding fruit (sugar) but then I’m supposed to be avoiding bread too and that’s just not happening. That juice is the only drink I’ve really felt like and enjoyed for quite awhile now and I figure the carrots would’ve done me good! I even had vegetables as a snack this afternoon - my favourite way - all mashed but still nutritious. I love a good bowl of mashed veg!

The nausea has been bearable today. I haven’t felt great all day, but I’ve not experienced a big surge of nausea yet today which I usually get at least 2 or 3 times a day. I don’t expect the morning sickness is disappearing just yet, I fully expect it to resurge with a vengeance tomorrow, but I know it will go soon. Still very, very tired though.

I’ve been reading Jon Gabriel’s “The Gabriel method” and have been trying to listen to his cd at night while I fall asleep. It really is a great book and I’m trying to work on some of the things he recommends (like the visualisation etc) as I really do think there’s more to my problem than a pure calorie in/calorie out problem. I highly recommend anyone who has struggled with their weight for a long time to read his book.

I decided to go back to basics and brought out the plan the dietician gave me many, many months ago. I had a much improved day. I didn’t get it 100% right, but did better than I have been doing.

The plan is:

Breakfast: 1-2 serves of carbohydrates, 1 serve of dairy

Snack: 1-2 serves of carbs

Lunch: 1-2 serves of carbs, 2 serves of protein, vegetables

Snack: 1 serve of fruit, 1 serve of dairy

Dinner:  2-3 serves of protein, vegetables

Snack: 1 serve of dairy, 1 serve of fruit

So tomorrow I’m trying this:

Breakfast: Porridge and skim milk
Snack: 1 piece of toast
Lunch: Chicken and salad sandwich (wholegrain bread)
Snack: Fruit and skim cappuccino
Dinner: Steak and steamed veg
Snack: Fruit and low fat ice-cream

I’m going to try and get my eating in order this week and hopefully begin some exercise next week.

Instead of the usual self hate that goes on in my head. After being away for so long, I have so much that I need to do. I keep giving myself a hard time about not doing enough, about not eating right, about not exercising.  I thought I’d try to praise myself each day instead for the things I did manage to get through and do right…

Today I ticked several things of my to do list.

1. I issued invoices for last week
2. I paid all opened bills
3. I gathered all September receipts and documents for the accountant and put in an express post envelope to send
4. I unpacked the dishwasher and packed it again and cleaned the kitchen
5. I contacted the architect about our renovations
6. I made an appointment at the beautician
7. I chose a chicken pesto panini roll instead of the Oporto Bondi burger and chips I really wanted.
8. I booked a car for our weekend in Nowra for my cousin’s wedding
9. I met my wonderful banded buddy Jen for shoe shopping instead of sitting down at a cafe and choosing a naughty lunch!

I am trying not to focus on all the things I didn’t do and all the wrong choices I made…I think I did pretty well today.

What would I do without you all? It is so nice to know you are all out there, listening to me and offering advice to help me. Nola, I swear I really do need to make my next holiday to Tasmania. I could really do with a good laugh. I know your big day is coming up in a couple of days and I am so excited for you. I will be with you in spirit and will be thinking of you all day. You’re going to do so well. It’s actually a great idea for me to maybe try getting back to liquids and mushies for awhile…I think I’ll try it. I was wondering about having another fill, but my band is already so tight. I get a lot of restriction that I get through by eating really slow and chewing really well. I wonder how I’d go with more. But maybe that’s worth a try too.

Cranky, I agree with your comments totally. I just feel so guilty for always spending so much money on me and never really succeeding or it never really working. And by the way the holiday is the main reason I can’t afford regular counselling! haha. I will look into it though.

Cass…hope you had a great holiday…we’ll have to talk!

Tracey, thanks so much for your comments. I think I already did that GPMP last year.  I had to convince my GP I was depressed though (which I actually was). I was referred to a psychologist who I didn’t really think was right for me so I only did 4 of my sessions. I wonder if you can have more than 1 GPMP?

I am still feeling really down, so I really recognise the need to see someone. The problem is always who should I see? I have been doing some searching on the web to try and find some counsellors who specialise in food/weight issues. I guess I’ll keep searching until I find the right person.

As much as the thought of going back to work in 2 days fills me with dread, I am thinking it will probably do me some good. I seem to be able to snap out of my depression when I’ve got things to occupy my mind. Here’s hoping…

On a positive note, although I still haven’t weighed myself, I do feel and I think I look like I’ve lost weight. Some of my clothes feel and look more comfortable and I saw my hairdresser on Saturday after only seeing her on Tuesday and she said “Look how skinny you’re getting, your face looks so much skinnier”. So that confirmed how I’ve been feeling which is nice.

My exercise last week included:

Monday:  30 minute Personal training session and 40 minute walk

Tuesday: 30 minutes cardio at gym

Wednesday: 30 minutes kickboxing

Thursday: 1 hour cardio at gym

Friday: 30 minute personal training session

I’m really happy with my exercise at the moment and feel so much better physically than I used to.

My food has been interesting. I’ve been trying to mainly stick to porridge for breakfast and soup for lunch. I’ve really been struggling with some foods such as chicken breast, hot chips, steak, sandwiches or burgers of any kind and after struggling one night for over an hour to eat a quarter of a chicken (breast), I decided I had to stop eating dry, hard kind of foods and switch to softer more mushy foods. I’m really tired of struggling to eat and I know I should be able to make some better choices if I’m sticking to softer foods. This was a good point for me to come to, as up till now I’ve been stubborn and have just struggled my way through these difficult foods. So I’ve declared no more hot chips which is a really big weakness for me, but they are just so hard to eat, that I cannot do it anymore!

I’m not feeling so good today. I’m frustrated. So frustrated that I have been exercising so much and the weight is just notmoving. I have been depriving myself of real food at night and this weight just won’t shift. I feel really depressed and despondent about it. So much so that I skipped the gym this morning (after my gym buddy slept in) and then also skipped my afternoon walk. I then decided I had to eat tonight and had a can of 97% fat free lean beef and bean chilli con carne thing with a piece of toast. Doesn’t sound very nice, but actually it was. I just had too much of it. I ate the whole can, when 1/2 would’ve been plenty.

I know that my actions today are not going to help my weight loss cause but I just feel so depressed. I’m secretly hoping my depression and crankiness is caused by hormones which might indicate my period is coming which would mean I could have my frozen embryo transfer soon, but I think that’s just wishful thinking.

God give me the patience and strength to keep on doing what I’ve been doing as I know it has to work eventually. Doesn’t it? Sigh…

And yet the payoff hasn’t even begun! I lost a measley 0.8kg last week! Not happy Jan. Not happy at all! I am continuing my hard work and in fact went to the gym this morning for 35 minutes and another walk this afternoon for 36 minutes. Tonight’s dinner is an Optifast. I have to start losing bigger amounts of weight doing this amount of exercise and swapping 4 dinners a week for Optifast.