Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

Browsing in Feeling…

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is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. And so after several really down days about the lack of movement on the scales and after some 2nd hand advice from my surgeon, I’m approaching my life from a completely different angle.

The girl from my office who I’ve been going to the gym with and who has also been operated on  my Dr Layani went to see him last week and he told her to throw out her scales. He told her they will hinder her more than help her and that she has the best tool in the world and does not need the scales. When she told me about that, I put up the argument that I really can’t tell how I am going without them and that sometimes I think I am doing so well and then get on the scales and see no loss (like the past 3 weeks) and so I can’t trust my judgement etc.

But after spending 3 days feeling sorry for myself and not doing exercise and eating things I know aren’t helping my progress, I have decided he is right. Huh, fancy the surgeon who put this thing in me being right?

I’m so tired of living my whole life focused on what the scales say. I have literally lived the past 20+ years focused on my weight and wishing my life away until I can be thin. I rarely live for now, I am always so focused on the day that I become thin and I’m sick to death of it.  I’ve been overweight my whole life and I’ve spent every day wishing I was different. I’ve spent every day feeling guilty for not being different, feeling guilty for eating something I know is ‘bad’ for me, for not exercising enough.

The fact is the last few weeks have made me feel SO much better. I am walking faster and further with less pain than I have in a long time. Today we did  a very similar route that I did back in July 2007 for the Royal Brisbane Women’s Hospital Fundraising walk and I completed it in 1.5 hours and could’ve walked further. I had very little heel or leg pain and felt great afterwards. Back in 2007 when I did it, I remember being really exhausted and was in a lot of pain.  And besides that, I actually chose to get out into the sunshine and the beautiful weather and WALK instead of sitting in front of the tv or computer. Now that is a very big change in itself!  And so the scales are going into the other bathroom where I can hopefully forget about them and I’m continuing my exercise and ‘mostly’ (I’m becoming an all or mostly kind of girl bit by bit) healthy eating as training for our upcoming trip. If I lose weight before I go, great. If not, then at least I will be more physically prepared for all the walking we will be doing and I can enjoy the sights without complaining about my sore feet and legs the whole time.

The thing is I really do feel like I’ve lost weight and I really do think I can see the change in my body. So I’m going to start believing in myself and  trusting myself and this amazing tool that I have inside my stomach!

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I’m not feeling so good today. I’m frustrated. So frustrated that I have been exercising so much and the weight is just notmoving. I have been depriving myself of real food at night and this weight just won’t shift. I feel really depressed and despondent about it. So much so that I skipped the gym this morning (after my gym buddy slept in) and then also skipped my afternoon walk. I then decided I had to eat tonight and had a can of 97% fat free lean beef and bean chilli con carne thing with a piece of toast. Doesn’t sound very nice, but actually it was. I just had too much of it. I ate the whole can, when 1/2 would’ve been plenty.

I know that my actions today are not going to help my weight loss cause but I just feel so depressed. I’m secretly hoping my depression and crankiness is caused by hormones which might indicate my period is coming which would mean I could have my frozen embryo transfer soon, but I think that’s just wishful thinking.

God give me the patience and strength to keep on doing what I’ve been doing as I know it has to work eventually. Doesn’t it? Sigh…

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I had a sad moment on Sunday while we were out for breakfast. There was a Mother and daughter having breakfast a few tables away from us. As they left I watched them leave together and had a sad moment where I realised it has been 14 years since I shared a moment with Mum and in fact can’t even remember us ever going out to breakfast together. I then thought of Sienna and how I almost had the opportunity to experience the Mother Daughter relationship with her but in a different way. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Maybe one day I’ll experience that Mother-Daughter relationship again but I find it so sad that I’ll never have that relationship with my Mum in my life ever again. Stating the obvious really but sometimes that fact hits you harder than others.

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I was walking yesterday during my lunch hour and noticed a very attractive, tall, slim girl walking in front of me. She was wearing a cute flouncy mini skirt that sat low on her hips and a shortish style singlet top that finished a few inches above the waistline of the skirt, so that a few inches of her back could be seen. She walked along so confidently. I kept wondering if she was concerned about the wind catching her skirt and showing her underwear, but she walked as though she had not a care in the world. I see girls like that every day. But yesterday I saw her and I wondered what it would feel like to wear so little clothes, to not care about covering up lumps and rolls and bits of your body you hate. I wondered what it would feel like to slip on a cute little mini skirt that fit just right, showed off lots of leg, tummy and back, and a cool, well fitted top that looked comfortable and was just…easy…

I wondered if I’d ever know what it would feel like to get dressed and not be self conscious about whether my extra tummy roll was showing or if something was hugging my tummy or hips too tightly. I wondered if I’d ever be able to walk out of my front door, in something small, cool and comfortable and not having to feel like I had to cover up. I felt sad that I’ve spent 34 years never having experienced that. I felt sad that I may never get to wear an outfit like that or feel as confident as that girl looked…

It’s been a long time between updates…a big one is coming very soon. Stay tuned.

2 more days till I’m back on solid foods! I went shopping tonight in anticipation and bought way too much food! My plan for Thursday is

Breakfast: 1/2 a piece of toast for breakfast (with either lite peanut butter or low fat butter and vegemite)

Snack: Weight watchers crackers and cheese

Lunch: 1/2 Pita bread with chicken and salad

Snack: Tin fruit

Dinner: Chicken with veg

Had a really tough day today. I just felt really hungry. I’m not sure if it was being a bit bored and frustrated at work or just my emotions catching up on me from yesterday but all I wanted to do was eat. Even when I reached the point of fullness, I still wanted to eat, though luckily I was too scared to push it too far, as I wasn’t sure what would happen. Twice today however I ate past the point of being full. I think I am definitely feeling hungrier now than I have been and so I’m finding it hard to be disciplined and stick to the meal plan I’ve been given and then there’s the 2nd part of it which was wanting to eat out of boredom/frustration/emotional reasons. Basically I was hungry straight after I finished my breakfast but was able to hold off till lunch by having a coffee. However about an hour after lunch I was really hungry and went down and bought a 97% fat free Risotto from the 7-Eleven and ate half of that, followed by a fun-size Mars Bar. After I finished the Risotto I was stuffed, but I was still determined to eat the fun-size Mars Bar and I probably would’ve eaten more of the Risotto if I hadn’t have forced myself to get up and put it in the fridge. I just wanted to keep eating. It really scared me.

I was really stuffed for several hours after that. Finished work, drove home, did some grocery shopping and then came home and put it all away. By that point (probably 4 hours after I finished the Risotto) I was famished again and HAD to eat. Had my usual size portion of Spaghetti Bolognaise and was still hungry, so had some prawns that my husband had cooked up in a beautiful lemon sauce with garlic, sun-dried capsicums and olives. I got through about 1/4 of that when fullness set in and I was truly stuffed. I probably had about 6 small prawns. But still I ate beyond the point of fullness and am still stuffed an hour later.

I’m scared by this compulsion I’m feeling to eat till I’m stuffed. Though I do feel confident that the band is causing me to stop way before I would’ve pre-band and will stop me from causing too much damage. You will have noticed that I have been sneaking in the odd non-mushy food such as prawns and Risotto which although mushy in my eyes isn’t strcitly what Todd described as puree! However I’ve just felt ready for it and honestly couldn’t bare any more baby style foods or soups.

Food for today:

Breakfast: 1 weet-bix with Trim milk

Snack: skim cap, nestle diet custard rice

Lunch: Home made chicken and veg soup (about 1 cup)

Snack: Chicken and lemon Risotto (1 serve – 150g), fun size Mars Bar
Dinner: Spaghetti Bolognaise (1/2 cup of sauce with a tiny amount of spaghetti) + approx 6 prawns with small amount of olives, sun-dried capsicum

Calories: Approx 945 calories

Exercise: None

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I don’t think this is 100% band related, but wanted to blog about it anyway. I suspect this feeling is going to be very short lived and will probably die down when I return to ‘normal’ foods. I just don’t feel like the ‘normal’ me lately. I feel so irritable and miserable and have been extremely cranky and short with people, particularly my husband. I just don’t know why. I think part of it is to do with us having guests at the moment and because a lot of what they do is around food, I’ve isolated myself from them so I don’t have to think about how much I want to eat what they are eating. I’ve basically been doing that for 4 weeks now and I think it’s really starting to have an effect on me. It makes me feel rude and anti-social, but I honestly can’t bear to be around the smells of food at the moment.

Now tomorrow we are due to go for lunch at the in-laws house with our guests. At first I said I wouldn’t go, as I know what their meals are like, they make the most beautiful meals, usually have all the windows closed while cooking and the smell would just be unbearable. When I found out they were cooking a roast, I changed my mind, as I figured I could blend up a bit of roast meat with veg and a little bit of gravy and would feel satisifed because I would be eating what they are eating. However they just rang this morning to let me know that as the weather is beautiful here at the moment, they decided to change it to a BBQ, but that they would be cooking some Moroccan lamb which could be blended up fine. Now I’m thinking I just don’t want to go. The BBQ smells really do drive me crazy and I have a feeling I’m just going to be moody and not nice company. I know this is really stupid feeling this way. I know I only have 2 weeks to go before I can begin to eat a little bit more normally and not have to worry too much about such things, but in the meantime I just can’t snap out of the moodiness I’m feeling.

I just want to be a nice person again and not feel so much crankiness at people. Even at work, I’ve been snappier than usual and I just hate it. I know that I have a lot more going on than just the adjustment to life with the band, so it’s definitely not just that…I just want to be me again :-(

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I met up with a counsellor that I used to see last year. I haven’t been to see her since late last year. No reason in particular, as I’ve always enjoyed talking to her and she really helps me bring some things to light. Last time I saw her I was waiting to hear back about my Biggest Loser Application and she was really concerned about how I was going to deal with it if I didn’t get on the show. We talked a bit about that and about how me not being chosen was really very little to do with the person I am, and more about luck, and about choosing the right ‘personality’ mix for the show etc. We talked about the fact that if they had already decided on someone with a similar personality, story or background to me, then that was just luck of the draw that I didn’t get chosen etc.

She asked me what it was about the Biggest Loser that made me want it so much. She asked me what it was that I thought the Biggest Loser could give me that I couldn’t do myself, which is interesting as this was one of the questions I was asked in my audition.

I referred back to my first blog on this site about there being no choice, and no-one around me there that would want me to be comfortable or that I could manipulate into feeeling sorry for me. I told her how I felt I need the harshness of that environment to make me do things when I didn’t feel like it. To really kill the bit of me that doesnt’ want to do things I don’t want to do…the princess part I guess. She pointed out that even if I got onto the show that I’d still have a choice. That though difficult, I could still refuse to do what they tell me. Just look at Sarah last year. I told her that I really felt that the peer pressure of being in a team and not wanting to let them down or be the ‘weak’ one. Of course then there was the fact the whole nation would be watching. Not to mention every enemy or person who doesn’t like me. I’d hate to give them the satisifaction of seeing me fail. I just feel like with that combination of variables that it would be enough to make me do those things I don’t want to do. Of course I also find the fact that aside from temptations, I have no access to fast food, chocolate etc very desirable and would help me immensely. She asked me about what would happen if I got voted out in the 1st or 2nd week. The reality is that is quite possible, and she asked me whether I thought I would still be able to do it on my own, outside of the house. Interesting again, as this is what Lawrence from last year’s audition also asked me. I told her the same thing that I told Lawrence, that I honestly felt the finale show at the end, the catchup footage and the fact that I would be a recognisable face to the public, that everyone would be watching me, would be enough to keep me on track. I also would’ve already organised my time off work, so would spend the remaining time on my own focusing purely on weight loss. The show would give me an opportunity to do that.

She did point out something interesting. That though I used the reason that I wanted to be forced to do things I didn’t want to do, that I wanted a harsh environment where I was made to do things, where I had no choice etc, that she found it interesting that by me continuing NOT to do what I have to do to lose weight, that I put myself in probably an even harsher environment where I give myself such a hard time about being weak, undisciplined, hopeless etc. It’s interesting how I continue to not do what I feel I should be doing and then really punish myself mentally for not doing it. I doubt eanyone (even the Commando) could be as cruel to me as I am to myself when I am ‘off the wagon’ and not being what I consider to be disciplined. You think this, coupled with all the other misery and stress my weight gives me that I’d do it…but still…all these years I put up with all the pain I get by not losing weight. Weird…

So today after talking to her and finishing my 3rd day on my dietican’s meal plan, I’m feeling a bit better. Still hungry, but I think it’s getting better and not so bad. Feeling pretty content with what I’m eating and even did another 20 minutes on the bike tonight while watching “The Devil Wears Prada”.

Breakfast: Protein shake with skim milk and raw oats

Snack: Watermelon and skim Cappuccino

Lunch: Salad (Lettuce, carrot, cabbage, tomato, cucumber), avocado, 150g lean lamb, 1/2 cup of cous cous

Snack: 2tbps trail mix, 1/2 tbsp goji berries, skim Cappuccino

Dinner: Lean cuisine with extra steamed vegies

Snack: mini Paddle pop

Update 10.44pm: Extra snack: 3 x pieces of 97% fat free bacon and 2 slices of bread with tomato sauce & jarrah low fat hot chocolate(starving!)

Exercise: 20 minutes bike 199 calories (60% fat) avg heartrate 117 Max heartrate 127

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It’s been a tough few months. I’ve really felt unable to get myself out of the hole I dug myself into. I put on 6kg since the beginning of May and have stopped feeling comfortable in most of my clothes. I have been eating uncontrollably and have not exercised, aside from a couple of long walks as part of events. And all of this has been a viscious cycle causing me to feel depressed and then the depression made me want to eat and not exercise even more. Yesterday I ate a whole box of mueseli bars. Might not seem so bad, except that they were the not so low-fat kind. At 7g of fat per bar and with 6 bars in the box, it wasn’t such a healthy option. Not to mention the calories. Of course better than eating a 250g block of chocolate, but still not a great choice to knowingly and willingly consume all those calories because I was feeling depressed.

I recently signed up for a 6 week online consultation with a dietican. I received her meal plan last Thursday and only just began today. All the usual excuses made me delay to a Monday start, but still at least I have started. The great thing was that she wrote the meal plan around what I already eat, so the changes I have to make are really small. The main thing being a reduction in portion sizes, more fruit and veg and less snacking in between meals/official snacks.  Today went well, and I’m pretty much 100% on the money and even began my exercise routine with 20 minutes on the exercise bike. They were an easy 20 minutes, but they were a start. Also walked to Woollies and to a cafe  today…trying to increase the incidental exercise.  She just called me this evening and I’m finally feeling positive about my ability to make changes and lose weight. I already lost close to a kg last week, so am happy with that, especially since I didn’t really try!

Today was a typical day of approx 6300kj.

Breakfast: Protein shake with skim milk and raw oats

Snack: Fruit snack pack and skim cappucino

Lunch: Salad (lettuce, cucumber, raw mushrooms) with lean beef, 1tbsp avocado, 1.5 tbsp cottage cheese

Snack: 250g Punnet of strawberries and skim cappucino

Dinner: Lean Cuisine (Beef Rendang and steamed vegies)

Snack: Light & Creamy low fat ice-cream biscuit

The last few days I’ve been feeling really down. I can’t even describe what it is about or why. All I know is that I’m down. I’m unmotivated and have been eating bad food and have not been exercising which really only perpetuates the depression. I haven’t exercised for 2 weeks because i got a really bad cold/flu which of course is a valid reason, but I still feel really guilty and yuck.

I’ve indulged in basically anything I want to eat lately and so I’m at the point where I just hate food of any kind. I can’t think of ANYTHING I want to eat. On the way home from work I was almost falling asleep because of too little sleep and had to stop at a service station to get something to drink or eat to help keep me awake. I bought a giant bag of M&M’S which helped keep me alive on the way home, but probably contributed to my eventual death in another way. Last time I bought one of those bags, I ate the whole thing in one night and ended up with what I call a ‘junk food’ hangover the next day. So I told myself that I must make sure I don’t eat the whole thing tonight. At the time it seemed fine. I just couldn’t think of anything I wanted to eat tonight. Friday night’s I’m usually at home alone, so usually pick up something like subway or some other takeaway, but tonight the thought of everything made me feel sick. I think it’s because I had a huge oily vietnamese crispy chicken with fried rice for lunch and ate till I was completely over stuffed.

But now I’ve been home for a couple of hours and I’m starving. So I’ve put a low fat pie and chips in the oven. Not really THAT low fat, but a lot less fat than the normal pie and fries.

I’m just feeling hopeless again. I was at a Fernwood gym today as I see a massage therapist there for my heel injury. I looked around at everyone working out and working hard and I shuddered. I really couldn’t think of anything less appealing at that point in time. I just have no desire to exercise. I’m so over worrying about it, trying, struggling, always failing. I’m tired of it being hard. I’m tired of hearing myself whine and whinge. Sigh.

On sunday I am doing a 7.5km walk as part of the Gold Coast Airport Marathon. I actually can’t believe I’ve signed up to do it. I get a marathon kit any everything *gulp*. I signed up as part of an endeavour to really change my lifestyle and get active, but I’m beginning to get really scared about it. I really don’t want to be the last one over the line. Even though it’s only a walk and there is no time limit, I’m still so worried about being left behind and being last.

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It’s been a shocking day today. I’m sick with a really bad cold. I can’t stop coughing and my throat is red raw. I’m fighting with my husband and the worse thing I ate today was a piece of thick vegemite toast from the cafe downstairs (one of my weaknesses). That’s 1 piece of toast (I’ve now managed to convince myself that 1 is enough when I let myself eat this treat). After lunch I was craving chocolate, as I had exchanged some rather upsetting emails with my husband, but I resisted the urge to go downstairs to buy a cherry slice or Toblerone. I even managed to avoid buying the large packet of chips and family size block of chocolate I fantasised about when in the supermarket after work. I wanted to drown myself in bad food to appease myself and show my husband how upset I was, but another part of me didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me give into that urge.

So I resisted. Still feeling sick, depressed and upset, but at least I don’t have to add the guilt of bad food to my list of worries today. Hurdle overcome…for today. Of course no exercise due to the cold, but I’m signed up for Boot Camp with my trainer J on Sunday. Two hours of pure torture. Hopefully I’ll be better by then to make up for the lack of exercise this week. I’m afraid though! Very afraid! As last Boot Camp I did I was once again painfully aware of how slow I was compared to everyone else and I begin to panic when I am struggling to keep up….

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