Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

Browsing in Feeling…

Just adding to yesterday’s post about perfectionism…It annoys me that I feel I need to portray the image of perfection to other people…especially one of my best friends who’s known me for 35 years! I guess I feel I need to show people I’ve got it together at least in some aspect in my life…as in “Oh she’s fat but she has a beautiful house!”…craziness..

I broke down on the chiropractor’s table today. They’ve been trying to talk to me about nutrition for awhile now and I just admitted I am lost.  She asked me to keep a food diary for her and that it wouldn’t be a judgemental exercise and that she’ll just be asking me to add things to it rather than take away…I have been resisting keeping it because my diet is SO full of sugar right now. She was telling me not to give up on myself and they are there to support me in every way they can etc. I’m going down to weekly visits and we’re going to talk about what sort of foods I can eat to get rid of some of the inflammation in my body right now…everything hurts pretty much all the time. It hurts to stand up from sitting. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit here right now on the office chair. I’m only 37…well 38 later this month…I really shouldn’t be feeling this way. Over. IT.

I cancelled my weight watchers online subscription.

I was contacted by someone from 60 minutes last week . She had found my blog and wanted to know if I’d like to be part of a story about how hard it is to maintain weight loss. I was kind of excited at first. 15 minute of fame and all that. Not just that..I think I had some fantasy in my head that maybe someone would see me and want to help me. I have no idea who that person would be but I guess I’m still looking for the magic pill, surgery or person who has the answer for me when I really need to buckle down and do it myself. Anyway I initially said yes but mentioned it to some trusted friends and they cautioned me to be careful and asked me if I really wanted to define myself to all of Australia and to myself as someone who can’t lose weight…and they also warned me not to let myself be portrayed as a victim…so I thought about it some more and decided not to do it. The producer called me early this week and I told him I changed my mind. I think I’m doing the right thing but there is still some part of me that wants to do it…fame whore much?

I don’t know what to do next…I’m contemplating giving up sugar. It is so addictive to me and I’m sure I feel more pain when I consume too much.

I also did 5 minutes on the recumbent bike tonight. Big deal right? I just feel like if I can commit to small regular steps in the right direction I might just get there. So I’d like to try to commit to 5 minutes on the bike every day and take it from there.  I really need to move and ideally I’d like to walk but it is so damn hot right now and my feet really hurt when I walk…so this is my starting point.

I’m struggling with my perfectionism right now. Really struggling. I start off thinking ok so I’ll just do 5 minutes a day on the bike and then I think of ALL the other things I’d like to fit into my day…various stretches from http://www.alignedandwell.com, paying bills that arrived that day, folding washing I did that day, eating well, playing with my daughter etc etc and I start to get very overwhelmed and think “why bother?” but I’m trying to push my way through this thinking. I had a massive almost meltdown the other day when I had friends coming around I hadn’t seen in 2 years and they hadn’t been to our house yet. Now I have  2 kids, one of them a toddler who likes to pick up toys and then throw them on the floor and get another one. It’s extremely hard, nay, impossible to keep a tidy home. But I usually make a huge effort if I have people coming over to have the house pretty much perfect…well as close to perfect as I can get it. All clutter gone, kitchen and floors clean etc etc. But this day I just had no chance. Firstly I had attempted to cook a cake to serve them which was an epic fail…it crumbled and fell apart as I tried to get it out of the cake tin. Secondly I had to cook a big batch meal for a cooking group I’m part of. Thirdly I had a toddler and baby to look after and fourthly my feet, legs and back were aching like hell. So I had to leave clutter and the worst part was that everyone wanted a tour of the house so although the main living rooms were almost acceptable to me (would’ve liked them a bit tidier), the bedrooms etc were a MESS and I swear I nearly had a breakdown about having to show them the house like that. I really had to talk myself out of being really panicked about it. So yeah…perfectionism sucks :(

Have had a crappy day…I’m aching all over and extremely tired. I had no idea how I was going to get through tonight…bathing my daughter, getting her to sleep, cleaning kitchen and preparing milk for my son for tomorrow. Every single muscle in my body aches. And what have I done? Nothing really…did 2 loads of laundry, fed and clothed 2 kids, multiple nappy changes, visit to the supermarket, cooked a meal for 8 families, cooked a cake (which fell apart and was a disaster), cleaned the toilet and did a small amount of tidying. My poor body and particularly my feet are not happy at this weight. They ache so much.

I ate a crap load of sugar today too and I’m sure this doesn’t help the achiness. I started off well with my green smoothie (apple, carrot, celery and baby spinach) but spiralled out of control after this…I snacked on coke, the crappy crumbled cake and the cookies I bought for my guests to replace the crappy cake (who only ate 2…I bought 18 because I thought there was going to be 11 of them plus us).

I’m so tired of feeling this way of being confused about what to eat of not feeling like I can eat healthily forever of feeling like it’s too hard to eat healthily. I’ve been going to see a chiropractor for many months now (I was pregnant with baby D) and they tell me that my neck/back are in such a bad way and that part of my neck is affecting my thyroid and that is the reason for my weight issues and bad choices in food. But I’ve been going twice, sometimes 3 times a week for in excess of 6 months now and I’m not sure I’m feeling much physical improvement…sure I’m no where near as in pain as when I was pregnant, but then maybe that just went away because I’m not pregnant any more. I also find the chiropractor really hurts me when they are pushing into my lower back and hips…and while it doesn’t last long, it makes the whole experience very unpleasant and I’m getting really tired of going twice a week at the moment and not feeling much reward for it…but how can I give up when they tell me that they are helping my thyroid and therefore eventually my weight loss? I’m so tired of people claiming they know what my issues are and then finding their solutions don’t really work. I totally trust this chiropractor but I’m just not feeling any improvement pain wise or weight wise. I’m just about to finish my 3 month program I signed up for so guess I’ll discuss how I’m feeling with her then. It’s a real struggle getting there twice a week before 9.30am with 2 kids too (their last appointment is at 9.30am in the morning unless I want to go afternoons which I don’t).

I’ve also been seeing a great GP who says my problems are all related to nutrition and all the supplements she’s given me should help. I’m also supposed to do a bit of a detox and I did follow it mostly for awhile but hit the same issue I also do in maintaining it.

I’m just so lost. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to eat. I sent an email to my surgeon’s office over the weekend pleading for help, for advice, asking if they have any patients in my situation who have turned it all around and succeeded. I think I’m going to try and fit in an adjustment in the next few weeks to see if that helps. Sigh…

I can’t believe it’s been 2 years since I last posted…wow…time flies. So much news to share.

My daughter is now 2.5 years old. I went through another round of IVF (egg collection and embryo implantation) and fell pregnant. My son D, was born on 5th September 2011 at 5.30 in the morning in the water at home.

I have had my band loosened and tightened many times over the past 2 years but I am currently back at my pre-surgery weight. In fact as of today I am 2kg heavier than my pre-surgery weight. I am struggling. I am sad. I am disappointed…in the band…but mostly myself.

I have friends that have had the gastric sleeve and are doing amazingly well and I have almost let myself consider the possibility but I just don’t think it’s an option for me. Finally nearly 5 years after being banded I have come to the conclusion that I regret getting the band. It cost me a lot of money and I know have this device inside of me which I feel is not really helping me.

I’m wondering if there is anyone out there that has been in my situation and has been able to turn it around and succeed with the band? I am going to go and get adjusted again but I’m just not convinced it is going to work.

Right now I feel restriction in the first few mouthfuls of food but once they go down I am eating fairly normal serves of food. Do I need to be at the point where I am living off liquids to lose weight? I just don’t know.

I have been doing weight watchers and detoxing but I’m just so tired of ‘dieting’ and so far I have been unable to make permanent changes in my lifestyle to do this. I really need help and I just don’t know where to turn or what to do.

I’m so lost. I saw a great tip tonight about writing about my emotions instead of eating through them…so here I am. Updating a blog is really hard as a Mum of 2. I have very little time to myself. Right now I have a pile of unopened and unpaid bills dating from weeks ago, I have an unclean kitchen and unfolded laundry…but I am choosing to come here and write while my children sleep but it’s not always easy to make the decision given how behind I am on everything. I’m going to try.

So the 1st Jan has come and gone…and the Monday after the 1st Jan has also come and gone and I am no closer to being in control than I was.  I have an appointment next week for another fill. I really hope that helps. I need some serious restriction. SERIOUS.

Thanks for everyone’s advice. I really appreciate it and it’s nice knowing I have friends that care. I seriously need to look at the psychologist option and Nola I hear you on the walking but it is seriously hot here…seriously. If I could get myself up early then it might be easier. But with the broken sleep I’m having with my little one waking up all the time…it’s hard. I know that sounds like an excuse…I’m really hoping once this hot weather settles a bit I can start walking. I can’t really see me doing much else exercise wise at the moment.

I’m beating myself up constantly for eating crap and for not exercising which is not helping matters at all. I’m feeling rather down at the moment and it concerns me. I think I really need to start taking SAM-e again but I’m hesitant to do it while breastfeeding as there has been no research done on whether it is safe to take it while breastfeeding and even though I have a low supply and have to top up with formula, I really, really want to keep breastfeeding for as long as I can.  So I’m in between a rock and a hard place at the moment.  I know if I could start exercising I would feel a lot better about things and if I could get my eating in control.

Every part of my body is aching at the moment pretty much all the time. And if I get up and walk after sitting for awhile I have a serious waddle as my feet, ankles, calves, legs all hurt and it is becoming embarassing. I’ve never really felt I had a fat person’s walk but lately I think I do. Awful.

Will update after my fill to let you know how it goes…

I have been wanting to update here for some time but honestly I just don’t seem to have any time to myself these days…I love being a Mum but boy is it tiring and time consuming! I miss being able to just go and do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it…but of course I wouldn’t change a thing.  Tonight everyone else is in bed and I decided to stay up and put down some things that have been on my mind.

5 weeks after giving birth to Carys I was quite excited as I was only 4kg heavier than I was when I first fell pregnant. This was of course still much higher than  my lowest weight (due to IVF and my last pregnancy) but I was still quite surprised and happy to see most of the weight disappear that quickly. I stopped weighing myself in the end but I estimate I put on between 16-18kg during the pregnancy so was happy to have shifted 12+kg within 5 weeks. However I haven’t really weighed myself much lately and I’m a bit scared to as my eating has been TERRRIBLE and I have done no exercise.

A couple of weeks ago I decided my eating was really out of control. I was hungry all the time and my meal sizes seemed to be getting closer to what I used to eat pre-band. So I spoke to my lactation consultant and also Dr Duncombe about whether they thought I should have an adjustment. I already have a low milk supply so I didn’t want anything to affect my supply even further! Both of them agreed I could have an adjustment so I did that and had 1ml put back in. I’m pretty sure this took me back to my pre-pregnancy fill amount. My first few days I took it easy and felt a difference. However it didn’t take me long to work out that although the fill slowed me down eating wise I could still eat almost as much as I was before the 1ml. I just had to eat it slower and really chew well. So I went back for another 1ml  two weeks later. And again I’ve found the same thing. I have to eat a lot slower and I’m having more food get stuck (but eventually pass through) but I can still eat a hell of a lot more than I should be able to.  It’s scaring me! I mentioned to Dr Duncombe that I was worried I’d stretched my new ‘pouch’ or smaller stomach but she didn’t think I had. I’m tempted to go get another fill to see what it does. I’m almost wanting to get to a point where I can only drink liquids but I know that is just stupid as that will definitely affect my milk supply and I know it’s not healthy. I just need my band to be my self control at the moment and I don’t think it’s ever going to be?

I’ve been feeling really depressed lately despite being so in love with my little girl. I hate the way I look and I still can’t fit back into a lot of my clothes. My stomach is the main problem…I hate the extra bit that’s hanging down and stopping me from wearing my jeans and hence most of my tops which I feel I need the tightness of my jeans to wear with them.  My depression is causing me to want to eat more and eat bad food and it’s just a vicious cycle.

I’m not exercising and I’m hating the way I feel. I ache when I get up in the morning. My knees and ankles crack loudly with almost every move and I’m starting to spend more time on the floor with Carys and getting up from there is  a real effort and it hurts! Don’t even talk to me about bathing her as I’ve just started bathing her in the big bath and it is a real effort to get down and stay on my knees to bath her, let alone getting up.

The thing is I don’t want to be that Mum! I want to be full of energy when I get up in the mornings and get up and down off the ground with her with ease. So why am I doing this to myself? Why am I doing this to her? I love her more than anyone/anything I’ve ever known. I don’t want to be a fat Mum. I don’t want her to get teased because of me. I don’t want her to be ashamed of me. I want her to be proud of me. I don’t want to let my weight stop me from taking her to the beach or wet’n’wild or to go out and run around with her.

I’ve got every excuse under the sun for not exercising. It’s too hot, it’s magpie season so I can’t walk, I don’t have time. And truthfully fitting in anything is hard work. I could definitely fit in a walk with her (i.e do something that includes her rather than trying to use my exercise bike or elliptical where I need her really to be asleep) but the heat and the magpies are an honest deterrent for me. So I’ve been toying with the idea of joining a gym with childcare. I mean I’m not working and I should just make it my job to go to the gym EVERY day. With someone to take care of Carys while I work out I have no excuse really. Except I’m struggling big time with the idea of a stranger looking after her for an hour. BIG TIME. She’s only 3 months old. Will she feel abandoned? What if they are mean to her? What if they don’t pick her up if she cries? It’s all just too much for me. Except of course I know that she’s better off being without me for an hour every day than forever. My mortality is playing on my mind big time. I’ve never seriously considered the fact that something could happen to me because of my weight. But since Carys came along I have nightmares about me having a heartattack or something and leaving her without a Mum and the thought devastates me. I want to be around for my little girl so I need to think about that when worrying about her being in childcare for an hour right?

So tomorrow I’m off to check out a Pure Health Club near me that has childcare and lots of classes. They even have a class you can bring your baby along to which I love the sound of (wish they had that one more than once a week!).  Wish me luck!

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I know it’s been ages since I last updated. I’ve really had a hellish month and I just have not been able to bear the thought of sitting at the computer for too long to update. I’ve been experiencing really bad morning sickness and of course tiredness, but it is mainly the nausea that is affecting me the most. No vomitting, but just a terrible nausea that hangs around all day, every day. It comes in waves and is sometimes bearable so I can get things done, but sometimes completely debilitates me, so that all I can do is lay down and feel sorry for myself.

I’m now nearly 10 weeks, so hopefully only another 2-3 weeks to go. I’ve been so thankful to have 2 weeks off work so I don’t have to cope with working and the nausea for 2 weeks but I’m really not looking forward to going back to work on Monday. I am counting down the days till our 12 week Nuchal Translucency scan so that we can hopefully clear any worries we have about this pregnancy. I pray the results are normal. I don’t know how I’d go through another experience like last time and to have to go through all this morning sickness again….ugh….

The sickness and tiredness has really had a huge affect on my mood and it hasn’t helped that I have let everything fall behind (housework, paperwork etc). I feel so guilty for not doing everything I should be doing and I have really been struggling with my weight and eating.  I have put on 2kg since I first went to the accupuncturist. I know this is becuase of my eating. Since my morning sickness set in, my healthy eating went out the door. All the food I was eating prior to getting sick now makes me feel sick, so no more eggs for breakfast, no avocado, nuts, rice crackers etc. I am eating A LOT of bread and lots of salty, savoury things (some not so good for me).  Luckily I have zero sweet cravings, though I’ve still managed to eat a few sweet things here and there as comfort food.  I’m really struggling. Breakfast consists of 2 pieces of toast with butter and vegemite and cheese or peanut butter. A few hours later I’m sick and hungry again so if I’m at home I’ve been having a bacon and egg sandwich. A few hours later I’m hungry and sick again and so it will be another meal. And this just continues all day. Food helps the nausea slightly, well at least the nausea is worse if I’m hungry, so I’m constantly eating. And of course I’m so sick I am not exercising. I barely move from the lounge all day when I’m at home. It’s bad. I’m trying to convince myself that I’ll be better once this morning sickness goes around week 12-13, but in the meantime I’m so down about it.

I had 1ml removed from my band a few weeks ago which has given me slightly less restriction, but not that much to be honest. Apparently I now have about 6.5ml instead of 7.5ml. I mentioned to the doctor who does my fills that my accupuncturist was worried I wasn’t getting enough nutrition to the baby and she got a bit fired up and said I was getting plenty of nutrition and not to let anyone tell me otherwise.  I find it hard to know who to believe.

My accupuncturist has since asked me to get all my fluid removed while I’m pregnant. She is convinced the band is making my morning sickness and indigestion worse as food is not flowing through the stomach as it should be. I actually wouldn’t mind getting some or most of the fluid removed, but I’m worried about the reaction I’ll get from the doctor who wanted me to still have ‘control’, so didn’t want to remove too much fluid. And of course she’ll weigh me and find I’ve put on 2kg since she adjusted me, and I just don’t think I could handle that, even though she never gives me a hard time about my weight gains, it is me who does that.

I am thinking I could go back to my surgeon for an adjustment, but I know they were very adamant that I should wait to lose more weight before falling pregnant again, and also I feel ashamed to face him, having put on so much weight since my initial 20kg loss. So I feel stuck and frustrated and like I am disappointing everyone and can’t do anything right.  I can’t handle any lectures right now, I’m know I’m not doing well. I know I’m not doing the right things. I just don’t know how to fix it.

Sorry for such a depressing post after all this time. I’m finding it really hard to pick myself up out of this mood. Anyone would think I wasn’t happy about being pregnant. I really am.

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with my body. I’ve been fluctuating up and down since that initial 3kg loss in 5 days. I don’t really understand. As of last weigh-in I’d put on 2 of the 3 something kilos I’d lost. And I can’t identify any difference in my eating. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not eating perfectly 100% of the time, but I’m slipping up far less than I used to and I wasn’t putting on weight then. I just don’t know. The only difference I can identify is that I’m now pregnant. Even though I’m only 5 weeks, maybe that’s just what my body does? My stomach feels so bloated and huge.  It’s just silly sigh.

I have been continuing to read Jon Gabriel’s book. One of the thing he suggests is visualising yourself with the body you want. The problem I have with this is that I can’t. I actually can’t imagine myself with a smaller body. I can’t imagine how it would look, I can’t imagine how it would feel.  So my dear husband spent some time photoshopping my face on a body I would love to have. I’m not aiming for a size 8 or even a 10. I’ve always admired hte more curvy shapes on women and I think Jenifer Hudson has an incredibly feminine body. So here’s me with Jenifer Hudson’s body. I almost cried when I saw the finished product (despite my face looking a little large). I’m really hoping this imagine helps me to work towards a body I’ve never even come close to. Oh and rather cool that I’ve photoshopped myself onto the red carpet at the Grammys tee hee (with a fabulous tan I might add!)

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What would I do without you all? It is so nice to know you are all out there, listening to me and offering advice to help me. Nola, I swear I really do need to make my next holiday to Tasmania. I could really do with a good laugh. I know your big day is coming up in a couple of days and I am so excited for you. I will be with you in spirit and will be thinking of you all day. You’re going to do so well. It’s actually a great idea for me to maybe try getting back to liquids and mushies for awhile…I think I’ll try it. I was wondering about having another fill, but my band is already so tight. I get a lot of restriction that I get through by eating really slow and chewing really well. I wonder how I’d go with more. But maybe that’s worth a try too.

Cranky, I agree with your comments totally. I just feel so guilty for always spending so much money on me and never really succeeding or it never really working. And by the way the holiday is the main reason I can’t afford regular counselling! haha. I will look into it though.

Cass…hope you had a great holiday…we’ll have to talk!

Tracey, thanks so much for your comments. I think I already did that GPMP last year.  I had to convince my GP I was depressed though (which I actually was). I was referred to a psychologist who I didn’t really think was right for me so I only did 4 of my sessions. I wonder if you can have more than 1 GPMP?

I am still feeling really down, so I really recognise the need to see someone. The problem is always who should I see? I have been doing some searching on the web to try and find some counsellors who specialise in food/weight issues. I guess I’ll keep searching until I find the right person.

As much as the thought of going back to work in 2 days fills me with dread, I am thinking it will probably do me some good. I seem to be able to snap out of my depression when I’ve got things to occupy my mind. Here’s hoping…

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I’m back from my overseas holiday. We had a great time. It was a really good break and I had lots of happy moments. We ate a lot and not always well. My only saving grace was that we walked everywhere, pretty much every day, all day. So I think that helped me weight wise, though I think I have put on a few kilos. I did weigh myself when I got back, but because I have no idea what I weighed when I left, I can’t say for sure, but I think I did put on a few kilos.

I suffered from a really bad ulcer on the roof of my mouth about 1.5 weeks before we came home and that seemed to turn into an infection on my left tonsil which was sore for the last part of my trip. At one stage I was worried that maybe it was reflux that caused the ulcer and then the sore throat as I woke up quite a few nights coughing and that maybe I had been pushing the limits of my band. However the day I got home I went to the doctor and got some penicillin as she thought it could’ve been tonsilitis and the sore throat cleared up within 24 hours, so I am thinking it wasn’t reflux. It did give me a scare though.

I’ve certainly come to the realisation that exercise is not enough and that I really need to take control of my eating again. I am not happy with where I am weight wise, in fact I’m downright depressed about it. I have been feeling really lost and don’t know what to do or how to fix my eating. Then I remembered that the dietician gave me a perfectly good and flexible plan to follow many months ago and that would probably be a good place to start. I dismissed it at the time as I felt it was just another ‘diet’ which I was so over, but I know now that I HAVE to get into a healthy eating routine. The band is not going to do it on it’s own. Exercise is not going to do it on it’s own. I need to take control. I guess I had a real penny dropping moment the day I got back that lapbanding is really not the easy way out and I am still going to have to work damn hard to get this weight off (damn it!).

I had some great times overseas and mostly I felt pretty good about myself (possibly helped by the fact that american men generally can find beauty in women of all shapes and sizes), however on returning and checking out the photos on the ‘big screen’, I realised that I didn’t look so good after all and it really did depress me. I can’t believe a year after my surgery I have manged to put back 10kg of the weight I lost after surgery and still look unacceptably fat. I am going to my cousin’s wedding in 10 days in NSW, and I had really hoped to have had a huge transformation by then and that my aunty (who doesn’t know I had the surgery) would ask me how I did it and I could tell her. But no, most people wouldn’t even notice the change. I can barely notice it anymore. I also just saw a photo of me in the dress I’m planning to wear to the wedding and I look huge in it. I really did think I looked good that day. sigh. It makes me want to go out and buy another outfit, but what’s the point…clothes can’t hide what I look like.

Another realisation I had when I was overseas was that eating out was actually a good thing. My band is pretty tight and so in order to eat what I want to eat, I have to eat VERY slow. My husband is a very fast eater, so by the time he’s finished his meal, I have literally only taken a few bites and have hardly touched my meal. He is not the most patient of people, so I always start to feel a bit panicked and start to try and rush which causes the band to get blocked which causes me to have to wait longer for my next bite (or go to the bathroom to bring up the blockage if it is really bad). This means that I will never finish a meal when we eat out. This was really good for my portion sizes. What tends to happen at home is that because I can sit in front of the tv and eat and it doesn’t affect him how long I take, I can take up to an hour to finish a meal, and so I tend to be able to eat more (still less than I used to, but considerably more than I think I should be able to). So one of the things I am going to do is to set myself a time limit. Anything I can’t finish in 20 minutes will have to go. This will be a really hard one for me, but it really must be done. I think I also need to kill the habit of eating in front of the tv. Another hard one as it’s something I really love to do…

I’ve had a really, really bad day today. I have been feeling quite down lately and today I couldn’t stop eating. I ate and I ate and I ate way past the point of feeling comfortable. I knew I was doing it to smother my sadness, my anxiety, my emotions and I told myself that’s what was going on and I did it anyway. I don’t know how to stop doing that. I know people suggest going for a walk, reading a book, doing something different, but at those points it seems impossible to do anything but eat. It makes me happy and it’s the only thing I want to do.  Thankfully since I’ve had the band, these moments don’t happen as extreme as they did today very often, but it did scare me. I don’t want to cause my band or myself damage by overeating. I want to feel the hope that I felt before I had the surgery that I CAN do this. That I can lose weight. But I will be honest and say I’ve lost it. I feel hopeless that so many around me are having such success with their bands and I have failed myself AGAIN.  I think it’s probably time I sought counselling for this, but it’s just so expensive to go regularly and I don’t know where to start to find the right person who is not too far from me and won’t cost an arm and a leg. I would love to see Tess Law again but going down to the Gold Coast regularly is not practical and she’s also not cheap (though totally worth the money). But I do need help. I am just so sad and finding it so hard get on top of it.

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