Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

Browsing in Adjustments

Finally…I had a fill a couple of weeks ago. Nearly 4 weeks ago actually. She put in another 1ml giving me about 10ml total. I was surprised as I thought they only took 10ml but she said she has a girl with 14ml in hers. Interesting. Anyway I noticed the effect immediately. Eating is hard work. My portion sizes shrank immediately and I take a long, long time to eat now. I lost 1kg the first week without even trying. Yay! I got a bit excited and hoped that the 1kg a week loss would continue. Why do I always think that it’s going to work without me making an effort? The following week I put on the 1kg I lost and last week I stayed the same. The thing is that if there is a loophole I will find it! If I’m at home and have lots of time then although initially I can’t eat as much I can eventually finish the plate over a matter of hours. For instance I was still serving myself my usual serve of breakfast – not as much as it would’ve once been but more than I should be eating with a lapband in! I’d eat an initial amount – put the plate on the bench and come back over the following hours and finish it bit by bit.  Admittedly before the fill I would’ve eaten that breakfast and probably snacked on extra things but still…why do I cheat myself like that?

So this week I got strict again and have been using my lapband plate to serve my food so I don’t have the opportunity to come back and ‘finish’ leftover food. That’s beenworking well. Will be interesting to see whether that’s made a difference weight wise. I even managed to fit in one Jillian Michaels workout dvd.

However I have a new tactic…I can’t believe I’m about to write this…I got sucked in by the Bodytrim ads on foxtel! Can you believe 2 years and thousands of dollars later I’m buying diet products again? Sigh…anyway I’ve watched 2 of the dvds and read some literature and I’m actually quite impressed. It’s actually not a diet and sounds like a really reasonable way to eat for the rest of my life…It is low carb (not no carb but low) and I’ve never really been sure about this approach before but this guy really makes sense.  He says that if your diet is high in carbs that the carbs are the first thing your body will burn and it will never get to burn the fat stores if there’s lots of carb stores there. Which kind of explains why I keep putting on so much weight. My diet has always been really high in carbs. He also believes that food is 70% of the success of weight loss and just plain old walking is 20% and strenuous exercise is 10%. I like this concept. It explains why the weeks I’ve killed myself exercising 6 or 7 times a week at high intensity that I don’t lose weight! I like the fact that despite the fact he owns one of the most successful personal training companies in Australia he is not advocating strenuous exercise for weight loss. He just wants you to walk 10,000 steps and follow the food plan. Of course walking 10,000 steps is still a challenge for me but I hope to work my way up to it.

It’s funny because I really fight the structure of a ‘diet’ usually. I hate being told what to eat. But clearly just eating what I want isn’t working and I’ve been really feeling the need for some structure. On the bodytrim weight loss plan (there’s also a weight maintenance plan) you basically eat 6 small meals a day of which 3 are protein snacks.  The rest of the meals are primarly protein and veg however for breakfast you can have one serve of  starchy carb or fruit. You also have one protein only day a week and one ‘free’ day a week where you can eat what you want but they recommend you still eat your protein snacks. It seems like a good balance to me.  From what I’ve researched people seem to be having a lot of success with it.

I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and I used to be quite anti protein diets but for some reason this one appeals. Maybe I’m desperate!

Anyway it kind of fits in with what I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile. Now that Carys is on solids I’ve been wanting to change the way we eat. I’m following the Baby Led Weaning method which means no purees, mushy baby food etc. The principle is she should be able to eat appropriate food off our plates.  And of course anything with added salt or preservatives is not recommended. We eat lots of canned and packet sauces etc. So I can’t feed her what we’re eating! I’ve been steaming veg etc for her separately which is not ideal.  So I’ve been slowly going through all the sauces we have in the cupboard and have been planning to get back to more ‘real’ foods and this is a great opportunity.

I have been wanting to update here for some time but honestly I just don’t seem to have any time to myself these days…I love being a Mum but boy is it tiring and time consuming! I miss being able to just go and do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it…but of course I wouldn’t change a thing.  Tonight everyone else is in bed and I decided to stay up and put down some things that have been on my mind.

5 weeks after giving birth to Carys I was quite excited as I was only 4kg heavier than I was when I first fell pregnant. This was of course still much higher than  my lowest weight (due to IVF and my last pregnancy) but I was still quite surprised and happy to see most of the weight disappear that quickly. I stopped weighing myself in the end but I estimate I put on between 16-18kg during the pregnancy so was happy to have shifted 12+kg within 5 weeks. However I haven’t really weighed myself much lately and I’m a bit scared to as my eating has been TERRRIBLE and I have done no exercise.

A couple of weeks ago I decided my eating was really out of control. I was hungry all the time and my meal sizes seemed to be getting closer to what I used to eat pre-band. So I spoke to my lactation consultant and also Dr Duncombe about whether they thought I should have an adjustment. I already have a low milk supply so I didn’t want anything to affect my supply even further! Both of them agreed I could have an adjustment so I did that and had 1ml put back in. I’m pretty sure this took me back to my pre-pregnancy fill amount. My first few days I took it easy and felt a difference. However it didn’t take me long to work out that although the fill slowed me down eating wise I could still eat almost as much as I was before the 1ml. I just had to eat it slower and really chew well. So I went back for another 1ml  two weeks later. And again I’ve found the same thing. I have to eat a lot slower and I’m having more food get stuck (but eventually pass through) but I can still eat a hell of a lot more than I should be able to.  It’s scaring me! I mentioned to Dr Duncombe that I was worried I’d stretched my new ‘pouch’ or smaller stomach but she didn’t think I had. I’m tempted to go get another fill to see what it does. I’m almost wanting to get to a point where I can only drink liquids but I know that is just stupid as that will definitely affect my milk supply and I know it’s not healthy. I just need my band to be my self control at the moment and I don’t think it’s ever going to be?

I’ve been feeling really depressed lately despite being so in love with my little girl. I hate the way I look and I still can’t fit back into a lot of my clothes. My stomach is the main problem…I hate the extra bit that’s hanging down and stopping me from wearing my jeans and hence most of my tops which I feel I need the tightness of my jeans to wear with them.  My depression is causing me to want to eat more and eat bad food and it’s just a vicious cycle.

I’m not exercising and I’m hating the way I feel. I ache when I get up in the morning. My knees and ankles crack loudly with almost every move and I’m starting to spend more time on the floor with Carys and getting up from there is  a real effort and it hurts! Don’t even talk to me about bathing her as I’ve just started bathing her in the big bath and it is a real effort to get down and stay on my knees to bath her, let alone getting up.

The thing is I don’t want to be that Mum! I want to be full of energy when I get up in the mornings and get up and down off the ground with her with ease. So why am I doing this to myself? Why am I doing this to her? I love her more than anyone/anything I’ve ever known. I don’t want to be a fat Mum. I don’t want her to get teased because of me. I don’t want her to be ashamed of me. I want her to be proud of me. I don’t want to let my weight stop me from taking her to the beach or wet’n’wild or to go out and run around with her.

I’ve got every excuse under the sun for not exercising. It’s too hot, it’s magpie season so I can’t walk, I don’t have time. And truthfully fitting in anything is hard work. I could definitely fit in a walk with her (i.e do something that includes her rather than trying to use my exercise bike or elliptical where I need her really to be asleep) but the heat and the magpies are an honest deterrent for me. So I’ve been toying with the idea of joining a gym with childcare. I mean I’m not working and I should just make it my job to go to the gym EVERY day. With someone to take care of Carys while I work out I have no excuse really. Except I’m struggling big time with the idea of a stranger looking after her for an hour. BIG TIME. She’s only 3 months old. Will she feel abandoned? What if they are mean to her? What if they don’t pick her up if she cries? It’s all just too much for me. Except of course I know that she’s better off being without me for an hour every day than forever. My mortality is playing on my mind big time. I’ve never seriously considered the fact that something could happen to me because of my weight. But since Carys came along I have nightmares about me having a heartattack or something and leaving her without a Mum and the thought devastates me. I want to be around for my little girl so I need to think about that when worrying about her being in childcare for an hour right?

So tomorrow I’m off to check out a Pure Health Club near me that has childcare and lots of classes. They even have a class you can bring your baby along to which I love the sound of (wish they had that one more than once a week!).  Wish me luck!

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I know it’s been ages since I last updated. I’ve really had a hellish month and I just have not been able to bear the thought of sitting at the computer for too long to update. I’ve been experiencing really bad morning sickness and of course tiredness, but it is mainly the nausea that is affecting me the most. No vomitting, but just a terrible nausea that hangs around all day, every day. It comes in waves and is sometimes bearable so I can get things done, but sometimes completely debilitates me, so that all I can do is lay down and feel sorry for myself.

I’m now nearly 10 weeks, so hopefully only another 2-3 weeks to go. I’ve been so thankful to have 2 weeks off work so I don’t have to cope with working and the nausea for 2 weeks but I’m really not looking forward to going back to work on Monday. I am counting down the days till our 12 week Nuchal Translucency scan so that we can hopefully clear any worries we have about this pregnancy. I pray the results are normal. I don’t know how I’d go through another experience like last time and to have to go through all this morning sickness again….ugh….

The sickness and tiredness has really had a huge affect on my mood and it hasn’t helped that I have let everything fall behind (housework, paperwork etc). I feel so guilty for not doing everything I should be doing and I have really been struggling with my weight and eating.  I have put on 2kg since I first went to the accupuncturist. I know this is becuase of my eating. Since my morning sickness set in, my healthy eating went out the door. All the food I was eating prior to getting sick now makes me feel sick, so no more eggs for breakfast, no avocado, nuts, rice crackers etc. I am eating A LOT of bread and lots of salty, savoury things (some not so good for me).  Luckily I have zero sweet cravings, though I’ve still managed to eat a few sweet things here and there as comfort food.  I’m really struggling. Breakfast consists of 2 pieces of toast with butter and vegemite and cheese or peanut butter. A few hours later I’m sick and hungry again so if I’m at home I’ve been having a bacon and egg sandwich. A few hours later I’m hungry and sick again and so it will be another meal. And this just continues all day. Food helps the nausea slightly, well at least the nausea is worse if I’m hungry, so I’m constantly eating. And of course I’m so sick I am not exercising. I barely move from the lounge all day when I’m at home. It’s bad. I’m trying to convince myself that I’ll be better once this morning sickness goes around week 12-13, but in the meantime I’m so down about it.

I had 1ml removed from my band a few weeks ago which has given me slightly less restriction, but not that much to be honest. Apparently I now have about 6.5ml instead of 7.5ml. I mentioned to the doctor who does my fills that my accupuncturist was worried I wasn’t getting enough nutrition to the baby and she got a bit fired up and said I was getting plenty of nutrition and not to let anyone tell me otherwise.  I find it hard to know who to believe.

My accupuncturist has since asked me to get all my fluid removed while I’m pregnant. She is convinced the band is making my morning sickness and indigestion worse as food is not flowing through the stomach as it should be. I actually wouldn’t mind getting some or most of the fluid removed, but I’m worried about the reaction I’ll get from the doctor who wanted me to still have ‘control’, so didn’t want to remove too much fluid. And of course she’ll weigh me and find I’ve put on 2kg since she adjusted me, and I just don’t think I could handle that, even though she never gives me a hard time about my weight gains, it is me who does that.

I am thinking I could go back to my surgeon for an adjustment, but I know they were very adamant that I should wait to lose more weight before falling pregnant again, and also I feel ashamed to face him, having put on so much weight since my initial 20kg loss. So I feel stuck and frustrated and like I am disappointing everyone and can’t do anything right.  I can’t handle any lectures right now, I’m know I’m not doing well. I know I’m not doing the right things. I just don’t know how to fix it.

Sorry for such a depressing post after all this time. I’m finding it really hard to pick myself up out of this mood. Anyone would think I wasn’t happy about being pregnant. I really am.

All has been going well since my adjustment. I’m happy with the portions I’m eating again and was beginning to wonder why I’d never had all the problems others have experienced with the band being tight. I am apparently very close to my band being completely full and yet I have very few issues. I do definitely have restriction and have to eat certain foods very carefully (mainly breads and meats) but I can still eat anything I want if I chew very well and eat very slowly.

However 2 nights ago I had a bit of a scary experience. We had steak, mushrooms and oven fries for dinner. All were a little overcooked and hence VERY dry. It was fillet steak and so was tender and soft despite very overcooked. They were very tiny pieces (smaller than my palm, probably about half the size). I really should’ve only eaten 1, however because my husband served me up 2, I decided to eat both. I ate VERY slowly. It took me about an hour to finish my dinner. I felt full afterwards but not uncomfortable. Now that I look back on it, it was quite unusual that 3 or 4 hours after dinner I was still satisified and not hungry. I usually find I’m hungry 2-3 hours after meals.

I went to bed feeling normal but woke up at midnight with a burning sensation coming up through my chest and into my throat which I now realise was reflux. I sat up and burped up some acidy fluid. I sat in the bathroom for about 5 minutes wondering if I was going to vomit. No luck there unfortunately, as I just am not a vomitter! Everytime I feel like I might vomit, I burp instead! Most annoying. I had to sit up for about an hour before the burning feeling went away. At the same time I felt like I had a lump of food stuck in my chest. I’d never experienced that feeling for an extended period of time. Usually I get really short blockages that I can fix by either bringing up the food and spitting it out or waiting/drinking.

I went back to sleep and stayed asleep by putting an extra pillow on the bed so I was sleeping with my head up higher. The next morning I woke up still with that lump of food stuck and feeling very uncomfortable. In some ways I was happy because I wasn’t hungry at all, in fact was still feeling full from dinner. I went to work and slowly sipped a coffee. Even though I was happy not to be hungry, I started to get a bit worried and the feeling wasn’t exactly comfortable. I read some info on the internet that suggested a carbonated drink may help. So I went to buy a Coke Zero (despite just deciding I was no longer going to regularly drink this after a lecture from my dentist about how bad it was for my teeth which are bad anyway!). After drinking the Coke Zero I did start to feel better and I think that it must’ve helped finally move the blockage. I was able to eat some porridge mid morning when I started to feel hungry again and ate some soup for lunch. I attempted to eat 1/2 lamb steak and vegies for dinner (all on my very small lapband sized plate!), but after a few mouthfuls I decided it wasn’t feeling too comfortable and ate the veg and mashed potato only.

Today I’ve stuck to similarly liquidy foods – Porridge for breakfast, soup for lunch and tried to just have an Optifast for dinner but I am STILL really hungry even after having a small serve of mashed potato and veg!

Got back to my walking again tonight with a 4o minute walk. Last week after the improved eating (not that good, still way too much chocolate!) and the exercise 5 times, I managed to lose 2kg! Woohoo!

I had a much needed adjustment yesterday and am feeling much better about my food quantities again. I have walked for 40 minutes for the past 2 days and spent an hour at the gym today. So even though it is early days I’m feeling much better about my prospects for getting some of this weight back off and getting back onto my weight loss journey.

Dr Duncombe was really great yesterday and after I told her all that I’d been through since March actually said she thought I’d done very well to have only put on 6kg since I saw her last.

It surprises me that I can share the events of the past few weeks with people who haven’t heard them yet and not get upset. I told her all that happened and not once felt like I would cry. I have kept up such a cheery disposition at work as well. Sometimes after appearing so happy and smiling all the time, it all just hits me and I get really down. This happened after seeing Dr Duncombe yesterday. I think also the fact that I see her at the Wesley Hospital which is where I had my ultrasounds and amnio and found out the baby’s heart had stopped probably didn’t help.

Today’s food:

Breakfast: Bowl of porridge with skim milk, skim flat white

Snack: 1 salada cracker and 1 slice of low fat cheese

Lunch: 1/2 serve of Lamb Korma and rice

Snack: skim flat white

Dinner: Lapband plate size of pasta with chicken and sun dried tomato sauce and vegetables

Exercise:

1 hour cardio at gym

I’ve been quiet lately as we moved house and were without internet for awhile. My weight hasn’t changed much lately either as due to the move and other things going on, my eating hasn’t been the greatest and I’ve had no time for exercise. The nice thing is that there’s still no significant weight gain but it really is time to get moving again. I started this week with the best of intentions and contacted my old kickboxing trainer Monday morning to see if I could book in that afternoon for my first kickboxing session in forever. However before he replied to me, I felt the familiar monthly pangs in my abodomen and knew by that afternoon I would not be able to do anything but lay on the bed with a hot water bottle, so I postponed my training till Wednesday afternoon.

So the last 48 hours I’ve done very little and though I’ve started both days well with my planned fruit salad, they haven’t always ended well as I’ve needed more substantial and comforting food to line my stomach to soothe the acid forming in my stomach from all the anti-inflammatories and painkillers I’ve been taking. So now that that little stumbling block is out of the way, I hope that I can continue my mostly wheat and dairy free diet and start a regular excercise plan again.

Interestingly I haven’t noticed that much of a difference in food quantities since I had my last fill. I do honestly feel like the quantity I’m eating is probably ideal for weight loss if I could start to eat a bit better and get exercising. However I can still eat more than 1 cup of food which worries me? Especially since I have noticed a lot more restriction when eating some things, particularly bread or anything dry. I’ve had some painful moments where the first few mouthfuls of sandwiches, rolls or bread have real trouble getting down and seem to get stuck and hurt a lot when going down. So if I have another adjustment I can only assume this will get worse? I don’t know if it’s because my first few mouthfuls can tend to be eaten without thinking and therefore without chewing carefully enough or if I’m just going to have to stay away from bread etc if I have more adjustments. I guess I will have to wait and see.

I had an appointment with my new dietician Selena Chan who is just lovely. I had to change dietician’s as I’ve now moved to Brisbane and it’s just too far to go to Coolangatta for the dieticians there.  Comparing her stats to Todd’s are a bit hard as they are different scales and last time Todd has to measure my body fat etc on my left side rather than my right which can show significant differences, so the comparisons are a bit meaningless, but at least I have another starting point with her. I’ve updated my dietician’s stats page.

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So I had my follow up appointment with Dr Read on Friday. It was very interesting, just as I thought it would be. There were all sorts of interesting finds from my tests, but the most important was the proof that I was low in zinc and high in copper as Dr Read suspected and then the results of my 40 food allergy test. It turns out I have allergies to every food they tested me for! The 2 strongest reactions were to Cow’s milk and citrus mix (orange, lemon, grapefruit), however I also showed allergies to:

  • Corn
  • Oat
  • Rice
  • Rye
  • Wheat
  • Egg White
  • Egg Yolk
  • White fish mix (Cod, Haddock, Plaice)
  • Shellfish mix (Crab, lobster, prawn)
  • Soya Bean
  • Bean mix (Haricot, kidney,pea)
  • Mustard mix (Cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower)
  • Potato
  • Apple/pear
  • Berries mix (Raspberry, strawberry, blackberry)
  • Nut Mix (Almond, cashew, Hazelnut, Peanut)
  • Yeast (Bakers & brewers)
  • Chicken & Turkey
  • Pork & Beef

More info on the allergy tests I had can be found here: http://www.arlaus.com.au/sub.php?page=allergy 

Doesn’t really leave me with much to eat there does it? Dr Read suggested I cut out the most common troublesome food groups and still keep eating the meats, vegetables and fruits as I have to eat something! So for 3 months the main things I need to cut out are all grains, cow’s milk, eggs, shellfish and white fish, soy, citrus, nuts and yeast. For anyone who knows me well bread and coffee are 2 of my favourite things. I love my vegemite toast and my 2-3 cappuccinos a day. It’s now been 2 days without toast and cappucinos and I tell you it is hard!  This afternoon I craved my cappuccino so much! I’ve switched to a short macchiato in the mornings now which is an espresso coffee with a tiny dollop of foamed milk on top and I add a little bit of caramel syrup to it to make it drinkable. It’s not as good as my usual cappuccino but it gives me an impressive hit of caffeine and does still taste good, albeit a lot smaller! So the last 2 days my diet has consisted of:

Breakfast: Fruit salad

Snack: tin tuna

Lunch: Chicken or tuna salad

Snack: tin 2 fruits

Dinner: Lamb and steamed vegetables

Both nights I’ve caved in and had some forbidden sweets after dinner, but that will not continue!  I plan to stick to that basic meal plan most days with only some small deviations when eating out or on weekends. I suspect this should get my weight loss going fairly quickly. Still haven’t lost any weight but after my 2nd fill today I’m hoping that will help!

I was supposed to get a fill with Dr Read on Friday, but he had trouble locating the port. It was a little bit painful as he did have several attempts of sticking the needle in and jiggling it about to find the right spot, but in the end it was just too difficult and I was freaking out a bit. Dr Read has done quite a few fills, but not as many as Dr Layani or Dr Jenny Duncombe who also does fills for Dr Layani, so I booked in for a fill today with Dr Jenny Duncombe at the Wesley hospital. The fill was quick and relatively painless and I now have 7ml after Dr Duncombe added an extra 2ml today. I feel the restriction already, but ate dinner without any issues. We actually went out for dinner and I ordered an entree size chicken pasta and didn’t even get to eat half of it! Yay! So strange that I delight in eating so little these days! So I expect to be into the low 120′s and into the high 110′s in the very near future and I can’t wait. I’m hoping once I move next week that I can start exercising again to really move it along.