Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

Browsing in Mushies

2 more days till I’m back on solid foods! I went shopping tonight in anticipation and bought way too much food! My plan for Thursday is

Breakfast: 1/2 a piece of toast for breakfast (with either lite peanut butter or low fat butter and vegemite)

Snack: Weight watchers crackers and cheese

Lunch: 1/2 Pita bread with chicken and salad

Snack: Tin fruit

Dinner: Chicken with veg

Had a really tough day today. I just felt really hungry. I’m not sure if it was being a bit bored and frustrated at work or just my emotions catching up on me from yesterday but all I wanted to do was eat. Even when I reached the point of fullness, I still wanted to eat, though luckily I was too scared to push it too far, as I wasn’t sure what would happen. Twice today however I ate past the point of being full. I think I am definitely feeling hungrier now than I have been and so I’m finding it hard to be disciplined and stick to the meal plan I’ve been given and then there’s the 2nd part of it which was wanting to eat out of boredom/frustration/emotional reasons. Basically I was hungry straight after I finished my breakfast but was able to hold off till lunch by having a coffee. However about an hour after lunch I was really hungry and went down and bought a 97% fat free Risotto from the 7-Eleven and ate half of that, followed by a fun-size Mars Bar. After I finished the Risotto I was stuffed, but I was still determined to eat the fun-size Mars Bar and I probably would’ve eaten more of the Risotto if I hadn’t have forced myself to get up and put it in the fridge. I just wanted to keep eating. It really scared me.

I was really stuffed for several hours after that. Finished work, drove home, did some grocery shopping and then came home and put it all away. By that point (probably 4 hours after I finished the Risotto) I was famished again and HAD to eat. Had my usual size portion of Spaghetti Bolognaise and was still hungry, so had some prawns that my husband had cooked up in a beautiful lemon sauce with garlic, sun-dried capsicums and olives. I got through about 1/4 of that when fullness set in and I was truly stuffed. I probably had about 6 small prawns. But still I ate beyond the point of fullness and am still stuffed an hour later.

I’m scared by this compulsion I’m feeling to eat till I’m stuffed. Though I do feel confident that the band is causing me to stop way before I would’ve pre-band and will stop me from causing too much damage. You will have noticed that I have been sneaking in the odd non-mushy food such as prawns and Risotto which although mushy in my eyes isn’t strcitly what Todd described as puree! However I’ve just felt ready for it and honestly couldn’t bare any more baby style foods or soups.

Food for today:

Breakfast: 1 weet-bix with Trim milk

Snack: skim cap, nestle diet custard rice

Lunch: Home made chicken and veg soup (about 1 cup)

Snack: Chicken and lemon Risotto (1 serve – 150g), fun size Mars Bar
Dinner: Spaghetti Bolognaise (1/2 cup of sauce with a tiny amount of spaghetti) + approx 6 prawns with small amount of olives, sun-dried capsicum

Calories: Approx 945 calories

Exercise: None


Had a great day again today. Went to see a counsellor that I first saw about 12 months ago and then never went back again till last week. I feel like our session really gave me a lot to think about and helped put some puzzle pieces together in my head.

Warning…this is pretty heavy stuff…

While I have been talking a lot about the fact that I’ve been feeling depressed since surgery because I can’t eat to cover my feelings, we came to a few other conclusions today. The truth is that over the years I’ve actually become more and more depressed and I’ve never been able to work out what has been causing it. Food tended to relieve the symptoms temporarily, but it would often rear it’s ugly head, particulary during the last 6 months or so. One thing I have never really been able to put my finger on is why I am depressed, or why I have had to use food to cover up my feelings. I actually think my whole life I’ve always been too scared to be myself. I’ve always worried about other people’s feelings and happiness over my own in all relationships (not just romantic ones) and this has caused me to be very unhappy. I often will not tell people if I don’t like something about the relationship or if they do something to upset me. Instead I’ve supressed it and then eaten to make the uncomfortable feeling go away. Of course it doesn’t, it’s just a temporary band-aid and all those feelings have just built up over the years. I’ve done it since I was a little girl, not wanting to upset my Dad or my Mum about things they may have done or not done that made me unhappy. Why? Because I didn’t want them to be mad at me, or I didn’t want to upset or hurt them or because I was scared they wouldn’t love me anymore? I’ve pretty much run away from confrontation my whole life for this reason. Now my husband will disagree with this wholeheartedly but the truth is I’m happy to have conflict over the small things, but when it comes to serious, big, relationship changing things, I’d rather pretend that everything is ok. I’ll often completely disregard my own unhappiness to save hurting someone…what does that do to a person over a lifetime? It slowly kills them, it causes them to eat themselves to death to avoid the pain of ignoring their own feelings over a lifetime. And the last 6 weeks, without the ability to use food to cover that pain, so many feelings have come to the surface and I’ve had to (and am still) deal with them…it’s not easy. I’ve been hiding my true self, my true opinions almost my whole life so that people will like me, so that I won’t hurt people. Of course that’s not to say I haven’t hurt people, but in my head if something I am thinking or doing is going to hurt someone, then I should not tell them or do that thing which will hurt them…often that’s not the case though…

This may seem like common sense, but this was a huge revelation for me today. I’ve never really felt safe to be who I am, to think what I think, to say what I think. I’m still discovering who I really am and I’m slowly learning that in order to have healthy relationships I need to be completely honest with myself and open with those I’m relating to about my feelings. Times they are a’changin…Interestingly I have slowly been making some small changes in this area even before my surgery, but it really clicked with me today that I need to start looking out for me. I need to start expressing myself and my feelings. I need to start speaking up when I’m not happy or when I’m hurt.

Part of this depression I think is a long suffering feeling of loneliness which is probably brought on mostly by myself. When I lost my Mum, I lost the one person who I felt closest to emotionally. When I’m sad now, even 13 years later, the one thing I always think first and which always leads to tears is “I just want my Mum”. The ironic thing is that there were many times that my Mum couldn’t be there for me in the way a Mum usually is because of her own problems. So I think I grieve for the loss of the person emotionally closest to me, but also for the times she couldn’t be the Mum I wanted her to be. Growing up with Mum I pretty much learnt that I had to take care of myself. Don’t get me wrong…I wasn’t neglected, but times were sometimes tough and being pretty much an only child from a broken marriage and having my Mum go through what she did, I had to be self sufficient. I had my Dad and my step-Mum and my step-brother and step-sister, but there were problems there too and I wasn’t always able to embrace the supportive environment that should’ve been for me. There were times when I did a lot of looking after my Mum too, from an early age. So I’ve pretty much lived most of my life feeling lonely, like I had to cope with what life throws at me on my own and even when offers of help came, I never quite believed I could count on anyone but myself. So even in long term relationships, I’ve kept a tight rein on things that had to be done, I’ve been in control of things, because I never quite trusted anyone else to take care of me. This just fuelled the loneliness I felt. I’ve been at a point over the last 6-12 months where I have just been exhausted and overwhelmed by everything I’ve taken on myself to ‘take care of’. And it’s no wonder…I’ve been taking care of things and others my whole life, but not really taking care of myself. And again, eating gave me respite from these responsibilities. Not real respite of course, only imagined, but it worked temporarily.

Phew…so I’ve certainly been given some food for thought (haha) and I fully intend to voice my feelings much more often now, rather than supressing them. I don’t imagine it will be easy. The few times I have done this, has been extremely scary and confronting for me, but I’ve realised it’s time I really thought about what makes me happy and letting others know about it too….

Right now I’m actually quite hungry. I ate dinner about 3 hours ago, but instead of eating anything else, I’m going to do a bit of bookwork and then go to bed!

Food for today:

Breakfast: 1 sachet of Porridge with trim milk

SnacK: skim cap

Lunch: 1/2 cup of Spaghetti Bolognaise with veg sauce with tiny amount of spaghetti

Snack: small skim cap, Nestle diet rice custard

Dinner: 1/2 cup of Spaghetti Bolognaise with veg sauce with tiny amount of spaghetti (I know…you think I’d be sick of it now, what can I say I get A LOT of meals out of one saucepan of Spaghetti Bolognaise!)

Snack: 140ml weight watchers ice-cream

Calories: Approx 973 calories

Exericse: 20 minutes on the exercise bike – Calories: 153 calories (50% fat) Max HR: 144 Avg HR: 131

Had a really great day again today. Hubby and I got lots of things done around the house and had a generally pleasant day. I’ve had the best weekend I’ve had in ages and feel like I’ve achieved enough and am relaxed enough to go back to work on Monday. The perfectly balanced weekend for me!
Food for today:

Breakfast: porridge with skim milk

Snack: 150ml Rush Wicked Latte 99% fat free milk, 1 coffee (skim milk, 1 sugar)
Lunch: 1/2 cup of Spaghetti Bolognaise with veg sauce with tiny amount of spaghetti

Dinner: 1/2 cup of Spaghetti Bolognaise with veg sauce with tiny amount of spaghetti

Snack: 140ml weight watchers ice-cream

Calories: Approx 854 calories

Exercise: None


Had an amazing day today. I’m definitely feeling much better, though I think the effort both my husband and I have been making to get out and do things together is helping. I had an appointment with the dietician at 12.30, so we both took the convertible out for a drive to Coolangatta. It was such gorgeous weather and it always makes me smile to be in that car. Todd was really pleased with my progress during the past 12 days. I lost a total of 2.1kg since my last visit of which 2.9kg was fat. I also gained 1.7kg of muscle. So the small amount of exercise I did, really helped to make sure I was losing all fat! So as of Thursday I’m on to solid foods and Todd gave me a sheet with some ideas on what to eat. The meal sizes are very small! He explained that I really need to control my portion sizes until I have my first fill in 2.5 weeks. For instance for breakfast some of my options are 1/2 slice of toast or 1 egg and a 1/4 slice of toast. (Oh sweet toast, how I have missed you!). I can’t imagine eating only 1/4 or 1/2 a slice of toast, but I’ll certainly be giving it a shot!

After my appointment we sat down for a coffee at a cafe across from the beach. Hubby had an octopus and squid dish while I sipped my coffee. His food didn’t worry me in the least, as I am not a huge fan of seafood. Now if he had’ve ordered the bacon and eggs or something with hot chips, I would’ve had to have killed him! After we finished at the cafe, we went for a half hour walk on the beach, and then got a New Zealand natural banana smoothie and headed home to do a few chores and go for a swim.
I had such a pleasant day and it really has made me feel so much better than I was.

Food for today:

Breakfast: Porridge with skim milk

Snack: skim cap

Lunch: 1 New Zealand Natrual bananarama smoothie
Snack: 1 small can of tuna mixed with sweet chilli sauce

Dinner: 1/2 cup of spaghetti bolgonaise sauce with tiny amount of spaghetti

Snack: 140ml Weight watchers ice-cream

Calories: approx 923 calories

Exercise: 30 minute walk on beach


Have been feeling quite hungry today. I have found that if I let myself get too hungry in between meals, that I don’t seem as satisfied with that 1/2 cup of food. I have an appointment at the dietician’s tomorrow, so it will be interesting to see what meal plan he gives me for the next few weeks on solids. It will also be interesting to see the difference in weight/muscle/fat since I have started exercising this week. Only 3 times, but hopefully it increases the fat lost and decreases the muscle lost. I’ve certainly noticed today that my cravings for food have diminished. I still have my moments, but I think about the food I can’t eat a lot less than I used to and just seem to be used to what I am eating now. There was even a huge amount of afternoon tea at work this afternoon for someone who was leaving. There was my favourite fresh sponge cake filled with fresh cream, chocolate cheesecake and Mrs Fields cookies and I deliberately stayed away and didn’t eat any. I imagine some of that sponge cake with cream would’ve gone down easy. I even considered adding a spoonful on top of my Diet Chocolate Mousse when I opened the fridge after the afternoon tea was open to find a huge plate of it there with a big sign “Eat me” and the smell hitting me…but I was strong enough to resist and glad I did…

This evening my husband and I got out of the house, drove to Broadbeach and went for a 45 minute walk along the beach. It was such a nice change from sitting around the house watching tv. We finished the walk with a really nice coffee from one of the cafes. It was good for both of us to get out of the house and enjoy each other’s company and talk a bit, as things have been a little strained lately. Hopefully we’ll do much more of that in the coming weeks.

Food for today:

Breakfast: 1 sachet porridge with trim milk

Snack: skim cap

Lunch: 1/2 can Heinz Very special Minestrone soup

Snack: Nestle diet chocolate mousse, skim hot choc with marshmallow

Dinner: 1/2 Lean Cuisine Lasagne

Snack: 1/2 Boost bliss bar, 1 small skim cap

Calories: Approx 889 calories

Exercise: 45 min walk – 418 calories (50% fat) – Max HR: 157, Avg HR: 135

Well it’s been 3 weeks and I almost feel normal. It’s interesting to see how the amount of time you think about the band starts to decrease as time goes on. Sometimes I forget I have the band, though of course am reminded every time I eat. I have to say that I still think about food a lot. I’m still planning my next meal and when I’m going to eat it, but I guess it’s a different thought process than before. Even though I’ve been feeling a bit depressed lately, I do definitely feel generally healthier and clearer mentally and physically. Only 1 week to go before I get to eat solids again! Was still quite hungry after dinner, so had the Boost bliss bar (1/2 low fat ice-cream and 1/2 real fruit gelati) almost immediately after dinner which was a huge mistake as was really stuffed after that. I set out to eat the whole bar, but could only eat half. Such a strange feeling, still getting used to it.
Food for today:

Breakfast: 1 sachet of porridge with trim milk

Snack: skim cap

Lunch: Blended chicken mince and veg (1/2 cup)

Snack: 1/2 cup custard

Dinner 3/4 cup Blended chicken mince and veg

Snack: 1/2 Boost bliss bar

Calories: Approx 675
Exercise: none

Got some stuff going on which is making it hard for me to post much more than food…

Food for today:

Sachet of porridge with trim milk

Skim cap

1/2 Lean cuisine lasagne

1/2 cup of custard

1 eden chocolate (6g)
1/2 cup of minced chicken and veg blended

1 weetbix with skim milk (I was hungry, but it was also an emotional response…probably could’ve/should’ve gone without it)

Calories: Approx 864 calories
Exercise: None


Had a pretty good day today. Still feeling much better. After chatting to another bandster that I met on the yahoo forums, I decided to start tracking my calories out of interest. So I started up an account with calorieking, which I find great because it has all the Australian brands of foods and everything is so easy to find! Will be interesting to see how my calories change through the different stages of food I’m eating. One thing I’m wondering about is what the difference would be if I ate blended food (which I am now doing) and soft food which I chew till it is of a puree consistency? Surely there wouldn’t be any difference? I don’t intend to…but I’m just wondering if I ate a thicker soup with soft small chunks of veg in it and didn’t blend it, but chewed the veg till it was of a puree consistency, wouldn’t that be just the same? This friend of mine who was banded just a few days after me has already progressed to ‘soft foods’, so can eat pasta, stews with soft meat/veg in it etc. I plan to stick to Todd’s diet for me for the next 2 weeks very strictly, but it is interesting to note the differences between surgeons.

One of the things my friend mentioned was that the weight loss she is experiencing after surgery feels like a dream come true. She almost feels like she’s going to wake up from it any moment and it will all have been a dream. That’s exactly how I feel. I’ve only lost about 13kg so far (as of this morning) and yet I slowly see the shape of my body changing. i still have a lot longer to go, but I’m so excited by seeing less ‘rolls’ and pudgy bits in some places…It’s very exciting and I know it’s only going to get better!

Food for today:

200ml v8 juice

1 sachet porridge with trim milk

skim cap

120ml Fruit puree

1/2 can of Pea and Ham soup

1 cup custard (doh, I have been thinking I’ve been eating 1/2 a cup, but has actually been a cup! No wonder it seems like a lot!)

skim cap

1/2 Lean Cuisine beef lasagne

Calories: Approx 971 calories
Exercise: 20 minutes on recumbent bike – 122 calories (60% fat) Max HR: 130 Avg HR: 117


A miracle occurred today. I exercised! I went for a 25 minute walk! Feeling much better today mentally and I think that helped me get into action. When I went to see Jan, the nurse at Dr Layani’s rooms last week, she really stressed the importance of me starting to regularly walk and how it would help reduce the amount of excess skin and also ensure I was losing fat, not muscle. I’d been meaning to start walking last week, but was just feeling so down I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I even walked on my own! Normally I’d use the excuse of having to wait for my husband to do it with me, or I couldn’t do it because we had visitors or because it was too dark, or the mosquitoes would get me or it looked like it might rain. All those things ran through my head, but I went anyway and it felt really good.

Came home and folded and put away the washing that I have been too lazy to do since last week and dropped the ironing off to the ironing lady which was overdue by weeks (hahaha I know, I couldn’t quite bring myself to just do the ironing!). Maybe that cry yesterday did me the world of good, as I am definitely feeling better today.

Oh and for the first time in my life I’m throwing away food! It’s hard to do…I still struggle with it…but this morning while eating my fruit puree, I just couldn’t eat it all and threw the last bit away!

Food for today:

150ml Rush Wicked latte 99% fat free milk

1 sachet of porridge with Trim milk

120ml fruit puree

1 skim cap

1/2 cup of pea and ham canned soup

1/2 cup custard

3/4 cup of moroccan lamb and rice blended (had the 1/2 cup at first and was still hungry)

1 miniz strawberry smoothie ice-block (35g)

150ml Rush Wicked Latte 99% fat free milk

Exercise: 25 minute walk – 203 calories (50% fat), Max HR 157, Avg HR 135


Hit an all time low today and just cried for no apparent reason most of the day. Spent most of the day on the computer and then went and laid down and started Khaliah Ali’s book which is really compelling reading. I’m loving it. I just felt so sad and couldn’t stop crying. Leni’s comment really got me thinking. I keep saying that I must be feeling sad because I can’t eat to make myself feel better and I’ve really been thinking a lot about that. The problem is that I can’t distract myself the way I used to with food. I realised that my whole life was about food, what I was going to eat and when. That meant that instead of thinking about the other things in my life that were making me unhappy, I could just fill my mind (and body) with food and not have to deal with any of those thoughts. Now everything is exposed and raw and there’s no distracting myself away from those feelings with food. In the past if I was sad like this I would go out and buy a whole lot of takeaway and chocolate and ice-cream and drown my sorrows. It would give me something else to think about! Not only did I get to make myself temporarily happy with the food, but afterwards I could just get stuck in the guilty feelings of eating bad food and that would totally distract me from what was really making me sad in my life. So I’m adjusting to having to deal with those things that I don’t like in my life or the things that are making me sad…and it’s hard. But I know in the long run it will be worth it and it just has to be done.

Food for today:

1 sachet porridge with skim milk

1/2 cup baked beans

1/2 cup of blended moroccan lamb with rice (courtesy of the in-laws, brought home by my husband)

140ml weight watchers ice-cream

150ml Rush Wicked Latte 99% fat free milk

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