Not The Biggest Loser

I just want to be…

Browsing in Optifast

So I lost another kilo this morning. That makes it officially 6kg. I worked out my scales weigh me about 2kg lighter, probably because I weigh myself first thing in the morning and with no clothes on! 6kg in 11 days is pretty good!

Didn’t have the best day today though. Woke up at 1pm! A huge sleep in for me. Started the day off with a shake. I felt a bit odd during the day, have pulled a muscle in my neck and I think it was causing me headaches today and I felt a bit nauseous. I went down for a nap later in the afternoon and felt slightly better. My husband was making my favourite meal of Pork rashers in this amazing sauce in the oven with fried rice. The smell of it just about drives me crazy. Because I’d only had 1 shake all day, and because I knew it was going to be a long time till I could eat that meal again (if ever), I decided to have a small serve of it for dinner. I had a serve about half the size of what I would normally eat and really enjoyed every bite. However now, a few hours later I’m feeling quite sick :-(

Started off the morning well…my usual Optifast shake. Raced off to the dietician at Coolangatta (in the convertible we purchased a few weeks ago…made the drive very worth while…such a beautiful car to drive on an hot summer’s day). The dietician went well. It was interesting to find out what I’ll be eating over the next few weeks and how to eat it. Or rather drink it! It’ll be fluids only for the first 2 weeks while my stomach heals.

My percentage of body fat is 48.9% and my goal is 30% which will put me below 100kg. My lean body mass (Muscle + Bones + Organs + Fluids) is currently 70.5kg. Which puts my goal of 70kg into perspective…though he did say I’d lose some muscle as I lose weight.

I meet with him 2 weeks after surgery to talk about weeks 2-4 after surgery which is the mushy food stage.

My first day after surgery I am to drink clear fluids only such as water, clear fruit juice, cordial, black tea or coffee. Then from days 2-14 I am to commence full fluids. Todd has asked me to drink Optifast 3 times daily (600ml total) and 400ml of V8 for my veg intake as well as a luquid vitamin such as Supradyn. I think I’m going to struggle with the shake at lunch time, so I might try and having thin soup instead for lunch at work.  I’m also able to drink diet cordial and tea anc doffe with milk and artificial sweetener (no sugar). I have to spend the first 4 days sipping 50ml (shot glass) every half an hour to keep myself hydrating and so I don’t drink too much at once and make my band slip. It’s going to be an interesting 2 weeks!

After meeting with Todd the dietician, I met up with the wonderful Cath who has lost 30kg since her surgery earlier this year. She was a source of so much information and was so positive, supportive and honest. It was so good to talk to her and it just confirmed even more that I was doing the right thing. I had a skim cappucino with equal while talking to Cath.
On the way home I ate an Optifast bar for lunch. Later met up with my friend Sarah for a diet coke at the Coffee Club. It just about killed me as everyone around us kept ordering this divine hot food including wedges and all sort of other things made from filo pastry. It really was quite hard to sit there and just have a diet coke!

When I got home I cooked up my stir-fried veg. My husband had about a 1/3 of a chicken breast left over from the BBQ he had just cooked, so I decided to put that in with my veg and really enjoyed it. I don’t remember ever enjoying chicken breast quite that much and I am a chicken breast lover! I felt a bit guilty about it, but then I have to put it into perspective. I didn’t eat McDonalds or a block of chocolate it was a small piece of very low fat chicken breast cooked without oil.  However later that night I had a packet mix cappucino and a tiny, tiny sliver of sitcky date pudding with a teaspoon of chocolate ice-cream. I am talking no more than 2 tbsps worth of food here. However I am concerned that after the piece of toast I ate yesterday that I’m starting to break it every day, even if only in small ways. Hoping to be 100% good tomorrow!

Only 5 more days till surgery!

Got a few things going on in my personal life that made today hard. Felt a bit down all day which made me want to give up and eat. I succumbed to one last thick piece of white vegemite toast (naughty I know). I talked myself into it by saying I won’t have one next week and probably won’t be able to eat it after the surgery, so it was my last one…even though my last one was supposed to be the day before I started Optifast! I’m the master of excuses!

Tonight was worse as far as being tempted to eat, but so far I have managed to survive. My husband was cooking a BBQ with fries in the oven (AGAIN!) and because I was feeling so down, it was near impossible to say no! But I sat in the office eating my stir-fried veg instead of joining them and now they are all eaten and cleaned up so the danger period is over. Though they are currently at the shops buying sweets and other yummy things to eat while watching a dvd. I think I’ll be staying in the office tonight doing paperwork! Great Friday night huh?

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Todd the dietician to find out exactly what I will be eating after surgery and I guess to catch up with how I’m going on Optifast. After that I’m meeting up with Cath who is an amazing woman who has had the surgery and has lost 30kg and looks incredible! She was the speaker at the information evening I went to in September and I was really inspired by her story. I didn’t get a chance to meet her that night as there were so many people there. I’m also hoping that the gorgeous Nic from one of my favourite lapband blog sites http://pic5.piczo.com/GunnaBeASkinnyMini/?g=1 will turn up. Her site was the first one I found when I was doing research and her success floored me. She looks even more amazing now after losing 41kg in 11 months. She is such an inspiration and I can only hope to look as incredible as she does.

300px-Mongolianbbq.jpg

So today was a good day, till I decided to go to a Mongolian BBQ restaurant with my husband and our guests on the way home from Brisbane. Now personally I don’t think this was too much of a tragedy. I normally have a bowl of stir-fried veg for dinner with a shake. Tonight I had lots of veg with some meat and sauces/oils added in. I made sure I didn’t go overboard on any of the oils and I basically had 2.5 bowls of the veg and meat. It was really satisfying to have some meat with those veg and the sauces they have there are so tasty, so I really enjoyed my dinner.

I even resisted the fried ice-cream which everyone else ordered, and considering it is one of my favourite things in the world, i think I did very well! I did have a few bites of my husband’s, but I was proud of myself for resisting the temptation to order a whole one for myself!  So that is my 2nd unauthorised meal since being on Optifast for 8 days and I don’t feel too bad about it since I know I have been near perfect the rest of the time and it wasn’t like I gorged on really high fat junk food. Weight loss on my scales is still around the 6kg mark. I did weigh myself yesterday at Dr Layani’s room, but I can’t remember what I weighed in at! I remember telling Felicity it was 4kg, but now I am thinking I could have miscalculated it and it could’ve been 5kg, but I just don’t know. I was weighing with my clothes and shoes on when I got weighed at the surery, so I figure that makes a big difference too.

I am considering having one last yummy breakfast the morning before my surgery. I have to fast after 6pm, so it will be an early rise to enjoy one last breakfast. I am thinking of a bacon and egg roll on turkish bread…I may also have one last meal the night before…nothing too bad…maybe just a nice piece of bbq’d steak since I might not be able to eat steak again.

The funny thing is that even though I ate a decent meal tonight, I feel even more like eating now than I usually do. I feel really hungry and would like nothing better than to go out to the kitchen and make a nice piece of vegemite or peanut butter toast. It is part physical hunger but mostly mental I think…

layani-mid.jpg

Had a fairly good day at work yesterday, as in I am getting used to the hunger during the day. Arrived at Dr Layani‘s rooms at about 3.30pm for my appointment. I was actually feeling quite nervous and worried, I don’t know why. I guess it is still hitting me about how much of a big change this is going to be on my life. Dr Layani soon put me at ease, and made me feel very confident that I was making the right decision and that I was in capable hands. I didn’t really have many questions as I’ve done a lot of research and spoken to a lot of people.
Afterwards I filled out my hospital admission form had a good chat to Felicity about the operation, the hospital stay and my Optifast stage. She was surprised when I told her my BMI was 54, which was nice :-) She said she’d never have guessed it was that high. I find that a lot, that most people don’t realise how much I weigh…I don’t know why that is…especially since I’m short, I thought I would look heavier than I really am. I get it a lot though…when people used to hear I was applying for The Biggest Loser, they would often say “But you’re not big enough to go on the show, you’re not like the other contestants” which is funny because I am EXACTLY like them, and in some cases heavier than some of the contestants! It’s kind of nice that people don’t see me like that…

Anyway spoke to my health fund to double check they cover me…they do…Phew…Felicity rang them first when I first arrived at the office and I was having a small heart attack while she was talking to them, knowing I would have burst into tears if they said no! Spoke to my Dad after my appointment and he asked me if I wanted him to pick me up after the surgery, which I greatfully accepted. My husband is taking Thursday off and hanging around waiting for me to have my surgery so he can see me afterwards and I was hoping he wouldn’t have to take another day off to pick me up on Friday. Besides it will be nice to have my Dad pick me up…he’s going to take the day off for me. I’m lucky to have such supportive family.

So I left Dr Layani’s in a very good mood. They were all so friendly there and really made me feel very positive about the whole experience. Yay!

I found last night quite hard when I got home. I was really hungry, so I decided to go to bed at 8.30pm as for some reason my back and legs were aching and I didn’t want to think about being hungry anymore, so had an early night which was well needed.

So today was ok…I’m getting used to the days and the hunger I’m feeling. I just have a cup of coffee (skim milk, equal) when I get really hungry and I can’t take it anymore.

Feeling a bit down tonight and sorry for myself. Silly really…I’m sure I’ll be over it tomorrow and feeling better….Tomorrow is my appointment with Dr Layani…I’m looking forward to meeting the man who will help me change my life!

125109_bbq_meat_and_tools_8.jpg

I get home and my husband is entertaining our guests who have arrived from overseas and is cooking sausages, eye fillet steaks and lamb cutlets on the BBQ and has shoestring fries in the oven. The smell…is…almost…unbearable….

Sigh…So I’m sitting in the office, just finished my stir-fried vegetables and now sipping my Optifast shake and I was fighting back the tears. It’s just food…why would I feel so bad about missing out? I swear I am almost grieving over not being able to eat the BBQ dinner. Which makes no sense at all, I mean there will be other BBQ dinners and though I won’t be able to eat as much as I normally eat and though I might not be able to eat red meat, I will be able to substitute it for other things just as yummy!
I want so much to not feel like food has control over me, and to not feel as hungry as I do, and yet I’m petrified of not being able to indulge myself as I used to. How silly is that, that I want to hold on to the very thing that makes me overweight and therefore makes me unhappy. Strange, complicated creatures we are. Or maybe it’s just me…

roast beef.JPG

(and last for 10 days). So I succumbed to the roast meal yesterday and it was divine. I do admit to over-indulging and not sticking to the small serve I promised I would eat, so I ended up feeling full and sick for the rest of the night, but stuff it, I really enjoyed it. It was my last meal for 10 days and will be my only meal for 14 days, so I don’t feel too guilty about it.

The rest of the day I only had 1 shake, and it was pretty easy, as I knew I was going to be having a decent meal later that day. The scales showed another half a kilo loss, though I bet that soon disappears after yesterday’s feast!

p.s my in-laws make the best Roast Beef dinners including yorkshire puddings smothered in gravy, cauliflower and broccoli in cheese sauce and the crispiest roast potatoes you’ve ever had in your life. It was certainly the right meal to break Optifast for!

Blue_sky_over_Grey_by_Catfox.png

So I woke up this morning instantly feeling better. I decided to jump on the scales to see what was happening with my weight. I was pleasantly surprised to see my weight was 5kg less than when I weighed in at Dr Layani’s office. Now admittedly they are different scales, and scales can vary, but I didn’t care. I doubt there will be 5kg difference between them. The point is I’ve made a significant difference in just 2 days!

I was slightly disappointed that I wasn’t going to enjoy my usual cooked breakfast made up of scrambled eggs with sundried tomatoes, mushrooms and 97% fat free bacon on turkish toast with coffee flavoured milk. However we had a busy morning ahead of us, so the fact that I could get straight up, make a shake and go out straight away was a good thing. So we spent the morning out and about doing things we needed to get done, came home, had bowl of salad and a shake and then spent an hour in the pool. The weather here is glorious at the moment, so be able to spend a bit of time soaking up the sun and staying cool in the pool was amazing and really good for my state of mind.

I’m now off to go clean up the house for our visitors arriving on Monday and I’m not even that bothered by it. Feeling much more energetic today which is a nice feeling.

I have a dilemma tomorrow. We’re going to my in-laws for an early dinner tomorrow as they have family friends visiting from overseas. To be honest my plan was always to just have a small dinner there even though I was on Optifast. I figured one day of 2 shakes and 1 normal meal wouldn’t do me that much harm. I still feel that but do worry that it may cause me to spiral out of control and lose will power when I have been so strong till now. I just don’t know. They are having a roast meal and the danger is that I’ll just over indulge on everything. The problem is that I don’t think I can sit there while they all eat and watch them.

hell.jpg

Ok, the 2nd day was really not much fun. Not helped by the fact that it was Friday and Friday is usually our ‘treat’ night where we get home, either buy or make something a little bit naughty and sit back and relax and watch some tv or dvds. I was really hungry all day at work and had a few panic attacks on realisation that I was not going to be able to eat anything remotely exciting this weekend. The issue is that I had nothing to look forward to. never mind that I had 2 days off work, the weather’s going to be beautiful and we just purchased a convertible which I was going to be able to drive around in the sun all weekend. The thought of not being able to eat my usual treats on the weekend was making me depressed. Weird that I look forward to eating on the weekend. I came to the conclusion that my life revolves around food. That’s actually what it’s about. The next meal. And when I take it away I panic. Surely I have more pleasurable things in my life than eating? But honestly I think the majority of the time it gives me the most pleasure in my life more than anything. Which brings me to an intersting point that the psychologist raised during my 2 hour consultation with her on Friday morning. The idea of happiness vs pleasure.

See I think that food makes me happy. Actually it doesn’t. it gives me pleasure. The 2 main things in life that give us pleasure are food and sex. What makes us happy is the bigger things – love, acheivement, health etc. So I have this misconception that food makes me happy. Actually what would make me happy is to be slim and healthy. Really interesting realisation that one. The session with her was hugely beneficial and gave me so much to think about. She is exactly the psychologist I’ve been looking for, as she has a really great understanding of food/weight issues. I have a bit of homework to do, so I will share that once I’ve done it. I’ll definitely be going back to visit her in the near future. We talked about how I will feel and what sort of things I’ll be doing in 3 months. We worked out that in 3 months after surgery, it’s highly possible I’ll have lost 25-25kgs. That really excited me to hear that. She said that most people my size will typically lose around 8kgs on Optifast in 2 weeks and then another 8kg in the first month after surgery. That makes 16kg in 6 weeks and then another 4kg each month for 2 months, which is about 24kg. We estimated a conservative loss of 40kg in the first year which would be a huge change.

So yesterday I was cranky, starving, depressed and a bit emotional. I had to go shopping with my husband and that was really hard. I picked up 2 packets of stir-fried veggies from the fruit and veg section and 2 pears and I was done, but of course he had to go and buy his food for the week and for our guests that are arriving on Monday for 4 weeks! I was starving as it was now around 7.30pm and the last thing I had eaten was a bowl of raw baby spinach at around 12.30pm. So my poor hubby had to put up with a very cranky and impatient me last night. Thankfully he knows why I’m cranky and is being very patient with me. We got home, I cooked up my bowl of stir-fry veggies and ate that and then my Optifast shake while watching 2 episodes of the Sopranos. I was so exhausted and depressed that I fell asleep half way through the Sopranos and then went straight to bed after that finshed. I couldn’t bear the thought of spending more time feeling so hungry and sad. The depression came from a mixture of things…being a bit worried about doing well at the new job, getting a rejection email from The Biggest Loser and the fact that I wasn’t able to eat to make myself feel better that weekend. It was all just a bit too much and I was feeling very sorry for myself.

I remember watching “Big Medicine” and seeing Allen really struggle with depression because he couldn’t comfort himself with food anymore, he had to actually deal with the issues that were making him depressed. I really identified with that, and I think I will struggle with that a bit.

Anyway yesterday’s food:

Breakfast: Optifast chocolate shake with tsp coffee

Lunch: Bowl of raw baby spinach leaves with balsamic vinegar, chocolate Optifast bar

Snack: Skim cappuccino with 1 equal

Dinner: Bowl of stir-fried veg with soy sauce and chilli, chocolate Optifast shake with 1 tsp coffee